Discomfort is a Blessing

I feel discomfort. All is right in my world. I have good people in my life, but since I am always searching for more healing you have to allow the feelings to come up. The feelings are uncomfortable. It is like a pit of anxiety in my solar plexus. My last blog I had a nervous/panic in a group setting while doing a reading. I persevered through it and came up well, but my own self was a mess. Why? Why did I get into such a crazy nervous pile of goo when I literally was with safe and kind people?

My stillness with spirit and the conclusion is that I have buried my emotions. I have avoided conflict in so many ways so that I could be in that comfortable state of peace and calm. I noticed that I was feeling overwhelmed and had anxiety that I had not seen since the kids were a lot younger like 10-12 years ago. I haven’t been blogging very much and though I don’t have much of an audience it always felt better to tell my stories out in the open. I suppose it was a chance to release the things that no one wants to hear in every day conversations. But, now I realize that everything has been bottled up and this is how I got started letting it out in my blog posts again.

Love It and Hate It

Have you ever loved something and hated it as much? I had an experience that were both those things. I am on this journey of spiritual awakening. Yay! It is great except what you learn along your journey is that is it is truly about healing and growth. Boo…just kidding.

Perspective on an Amazing Life

Years ago I didn’t understand why I had read so many books on understanding ego vs awareness. Eckart Tolle and Michael A. Singer were my life blood. Reading those two books just blew my mind on the reality of my life. A New Earth took a sail across my living room when I had the realization about my own ego. I was shocked. It sounds so sad now, but I thought no way, it is the ass clowns that thought their shit don’t stink are the ones with ego, but it turned out it was me too. The Now or Present Moment was a concept that I grasped but couldn’t hold onto for long periods of time. It was a time of meditation every single day for a long time. I practiced and studied to understand that meditation was to be brought into every single moment and not just 20-30 minutes in the morning.

Breakthrough Practice

To write a blog post about how you have overcome a situation has taken me some time. I feel I finally got to another step through my journey. It has been extremely hard to extremely simple and everything in between. I have been doing a lot of readings and my mediumship development readings as well. The one part of practice readings of course is to read for others and every single one adds to your experience bank. The other aspect of the practice is the amount of messages and healing you receive and it is like taking a healing shower a few times a week.

Developing With Spirit

I signed up with a spiritual community group for spiritual and mediumship development. It works. I had asked for more community and I got it. I asked to be with others that wanted to talk spirit and I got that. The one thing that no one can prepare you for is the growth and healing you’ll experience, but it feels like being hit with a sledgehammer instead of a feather.

I work with mediums that can give evidence of a passed loved one that can blow your mind. I feel inadequate. There are some that speak so eloquently and I am in awe. I have times I feel really good and other times I feel like a complete loser. I see that the struggles I have in every day life show up on a spiritual path. I feel like most times I am unseen. I am constantly reminding myself that I am seen. I have something to say. I cannot be liked by everyone and that is okay. Honestly, it will take practice to remind myself of my worthiness.

Eruption of the Heart

Mel Robbins reminded me that I have gotten exactly what I asked for in this present moment, which is more healing. I think back to last year, I’m sure it was through tears that I begged to understand what was deeper under the mother wound so many months ago. I read this quote and realized I did get what I wanted which was to keep learning and growing. The problem is that it isn’t like eating a moist chocolate cake with icing that isn’t overly sweet that captivates your taste buds and is incredibly satisfying, but instead healing is an intense amount of emotional work. I see that the next steps, the soon to be answered prayers and I am thankful on how far I have come.

Honest Musings

Truth.

Dishonesty is a thread that is woven tightly in how I was raised. The truth that I was shown began this adaptation of how I perceived I should live my life. “Don’t tell anyone about what happens in our home”, so when you are asked you dismiss the conversation, or say it is fine. Angry outbursts is an everyday event, so you never want to add to the anger and learn to lie by omission. It is like a roll of the dice and maybe just maybe no one knows the truth of what you didn’t tell.

I wanted peace above all else so you learn that keeping your mouth shut hopefully saves the ones around you any discomfort, but you constantly lock yourself down and tie your hands to never be free. The lies of course happen when you need others the most. You hide your shame. You wouldn’t want them to know you aren’t perfect and sometimes do shitty things. I became so tired of it and it created the inability to ask for help or to accept love. You learn to not talk about your problems and don’t cause anger to be directed at yourself and it all starts with not telling the truth; the thread that holds it together.

New Year, Same Opportunities

What is the difference between December 31 to January 1st? Nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I am writing some intentions down for the new year and I am also good with leaving 2021 behind. I guess what I mean is that year after year it has been the same, which is a hope for new beginnings but you can make that at any moment on any date on the calendar. The difference between the two days is only the change in year.

All the things I need to be doing are the same as everyday. I should make myself a priority. I should exercise, meditate, and make good food choices. I should follow my intuition and take a risk and follow my dreams. Big changes are a huge shift and can feel overwhelming, but I know deep down what my mind, body and spirit really need.

More to Life

I had a good reminder tonight that the things I say and do matter. I have felt that the pandemic/vaccinations are a war that I have given up on. I mean I gave up on sharing my life on social media. It seems the fighting and the fear sharing was gaining so much ground that I felt lost on it. Conversations were about others spreading more fear.

So, when I get reminded that there is more to life than the pandemic. There are couples going on a fertility journey, caregivers taking care of cancer patients, real life issues and situations that are difficult to deal with during a non-pandemic time and great stories of love and life. It all seems lost in this world. A person really dies from covid and people lose their heart in discussing it. They forget that a person died that others loved. Did we lose our compassion for others? Did being right trump caring about others?

Shadow Self Discoveries…Again

This past month proved to me that taking action instead of thinking about doing something was completely worth it. I had told you that I had done the inner child retreat, a writing course, and a health challenge, but I also joined a spiritual community of healers. We can practice with each other, videos are uploaded, healing circles and previously recorded videos to browse. I looked for spiritual community and I found it. It has been rewarding that I needed to be around others that are on this spiritual path like myself, except it just shows more patterns to heal.

We know deep down that we can make changes or understand that we need to make changes, but as a society we ultimately end up letting ourselves down again and again. It is like choosing the cheap fast food over healthy choices. I’ve thought a lot about this ability to keep choosing yourself and stop wasting time. I had signed up for a 7 week chakra yoga program. I took the time today and did the root chakra yoga. I also did a spirt circle which was another hour. I had an opportunity to ask myself questions and then sit with the answer. The answer is simple; less talking, thinking and more doing. The healthy challenge was kind to me in the way that it reminds me to be easy on myself. Food prep is worth it and even 5 minutes of exercise is better than nothing, but better than nothing attitude is not my specialty.