I worked on writing down my goals and desires. I tried to write down the first steps in moving forward and then added some deadlines to get motivated. I faltered there. Ego took over a lot and convinced me that I am crazy for wanting more. I have a good life. I still worked through and wrote it down, but when I stared at them nothing made me feel excited. I flipped the page over and then just wrote down every idea that I have had recently and filled up the page. I felt more excitement. They appeared to be more of a bucket list, but maybe that is what is needed from me. I have so many hopes and dreams and I am not even trying to fulfill them a little bit. Continue reading
I refuse to move from this spot until I make another choice. I want to choose as I always have…the choice of staying small. I sit here thinking a miracle will happen but the universe has conspired to stand back and let me choose. I know if I choose the same I’ll end up here in a year in the same exact spot just a different date on the calendar.
If I choose different then I must be vulnerable and face my fears. The fears of getting some attention, failing, falling on my face, rising to new heights and all the other possibilities. Continue reading
“Everybody can be great, because everybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. You don’t have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve. You don’t have to know Einstein’s “Theory of Relativity” to serve. You don’t have to know the Second Theory of Thermal Dynamics in Physics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love.”
– Excerpted from “The Drum Major Instinct”, a sermon by Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., 1968.
As I read the quote from Martin Luther King I felt inspired that I could do great soul work too. I was ready to blog. I was ready to share my wisdom…and I had nothing to tell you except more of my pain. I struggled with it because ego says “I’m done with sharing where my fears comes from.” But, the soul whispers “Free your self.” Continue reading
I heard Deepak Chopra mention in a meditation that “There is a tendency, unfortunately, spirituality involves renouncing your desires. But, there is nothing impure about desire itself.” That statement brought me to this blog to create a voice about my spirituality dilemma and the church I grew up in. Continue reading
I have a split personality. I have the awareness, spiritual side. That side of my parenting and me as a woman in the world is very calm and peaceful. When she is strongly connected in spirit, surrounded by nature and in harmony she does offer the best advice. She sees her children as these souls experiencing life. She wants them to see themselves as they are and being ok with all of it.
The other side is the ego. It holds the fears. It shows itself mostly with anger, but it has sneaky ways too when I get a great idea and then quickly my brain tells me how I shouldn’t do that. I pass it off as no big deal, but in awareness I realize that was my fears at play. The ego yells at my kids and snots off the lady at the grocery store. It is the reactive place when I am not conscious.
The awareness is starting to be there more and more. Even if the ego starts its rant the awareness kicks in and stops me. I am working on this in my parenting of my children. I am trying to keep it in the forefront that each of my children are individuals and have a purpose here. I cannot impose my dreams on them. I have seen it already in many things. My kids all show athleticism in sports they try. I did too. But, wasn’t allowed the opportunity until I was older to join sport activities. I sent them off to soccer, volleyball, basketball and hockey. There has always been a small voice that says if you did all the training and took them into the elite levels they will make it. Then, the spirit asks is that what they want, or is it what I had wished for? I have to breathe. Is it my dream for them, or their own?
Is success for them based on my expectations?
It truly is the hardest thing to not force confirmation on them. To just allow them to be there and speak to them when I am in my awareness. I was upset with my daughter the other day because of a website she was on. I yelled at first, but soon realized, no that is not what I want to convey here. I immediately calmed my tone and told her the concern and that I wanted her to understand the stranger on the other side of the computer. Underneath all of that I told her, if you are lonely then lets make plans with your friends, or let’s watch the movie you wanted me to watch with you. I want you to focus your connection with real people and not think that connection will come from strangers. We watched the movie. When I spoke to her in the calm voice and tried to see what the real deal was she said to me, I love you. I know that’s her way of saying thank you for seeing me.
I want to help pave the road and open doors for them. But, I want them to choose if it is the road for them or the door to go through. I want them choosing in their awareness. I want them to remember that they’ve had the power all along and not to let them forget that the awareness is what they were born with. We, as a society, put the limitations and the children forget who they truly are to be. We must let them remember.
I examined my life. I felt a freedom in it. I looked at life and realized that I had told the stories to keep it all logical because I didn’t want to feel any of the pain. The raw emotions were vulnerability and back then that was scary. It still has its moments.
Fast forward. I went and saw two different energy healers in a matter of a few days. They each helped in their own way. The first reminded me to keep being curious in my life. There were many things out there that I should look into and add to my life and practice. The second healer reminded me to be brave. What if I woke every morning and asked myself how could I be brave today? He told me to clearly define what it is I want. Homework!! Continue reading
This journey of discovering my vulnerability has made me examine my past. I have struggled with looking back at my life because I have always thought I don’t want to go back there. I don’t live there anymore. I had this belief for a long time, but after visiting a healer she told me that I have my past, especially with my mother, still held inside. I laughed and cried a bit because I thought, haven’t I dealt with this? The healing also brought up vulnerability and how I needed to face the truth about myself. Continue reading
Never have I felt so shaken to the core of who I think I am and who actually exists. I carry such an appearance of having it together and I don’t. My human self tricks itself into believing that if I don’t say what’s going on then no one knows any different that life appears perfect. But there’s chaos under the calm water. I have looked at myself and in this awareness I am messed up. I have been everything that I don’t like in others…the victim, the blamer, the justifier, etc.
It has hit me earlier this month when I complained about a good thing that happened in my life, but it came to me in man-drama style which annoyed me. So every time I saw this good thing I felt mad about this good fortune and then eventually it cost me. It cost me more. And I had the instant realization that I caused it. I wanted my good stuff to happen only a certain way. And when it didn’t I chose to get caught up in the anger I felt. The anger and blame made me forget about what an amazing gift it was. Why did I get so blind?
And then it started coming to me that I am very guilty of silently creating my life-drama situations. They say if your thoughts predict your future then I would agree it’s true in my case.
In reflection of my life, I have created such chaos in times when I should have been very honest. If I had been truthful then I wouldn’t have to pretend to have it all together. I could have lived in a difficult time but it would have been real. And being real feels better then the lie.
The weight lifts off of you.
If I had said out loud my issues when it was happening it could have been dealt with. If I had once reminded myself that how another behaved wasn’t about me then I could have had peace.
The truth will set you free. I’m still tied up in my chains but they are slowly loosening and breaking apart. The less I resist them the more I realize they never had the power I thought they did.
I got here, because I didn’t fit in. I tried. Dear Lord, I tried to fit the “normal” people, but I couldn’t act cute, spunky, or be sexy. I wasn’t willing to conform. Conformity was death to me. Fitting in was no match for the hatred I had for giving in.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a level of “pretend” in my life. I pretended I was ok and that was enough to satisfy the peers. I had a level of conformity, but it was simple; don’t be weird. Be funny. Be high energy. Be a friend. But, under no circumstances show your true self to these people. What I truly learned about myself from child through to my teens is that when you unsure about your place in your community then you internalize it to be a bad part of you. When in fact, it actually demonstrates what is wrong with society.
I always had a calling to this light that was deeper and stronger then I could understand. I was the strange girl that would not side with you just to make you happy but point out both sides of the situation. I was the teen counsellor to my friends. My mother hated this because we had a party line (shared a phone line with our neighbor) and anyone who called either residence was getting a busy signal. I was an excellent listener and had a Dr. Phil flare with a tell it like it is long before he made his debut on TV. This never changed over the years. I would always regard this as people would talk and I could hear what they weren’t saying. The problem is that most people were speaking in half truths for a reason. They did not want some girl telling them their truth out loud. The reactions were not nice, but I didn’t know that just because I heard it didn’t mean I should say it. I feel like I see their story and can see the bottom layer on where stuff started for them, but again most people aren’t ready to hear the truth unless they are in search of healing.
But this calling was too strange sometimes and I would mask it with parties and drinking. I tried my best to put out the flame of light inside me. I covered it up as much as possible. And then, it all fell apart and the flame appeared to be snuffed out. My mother was sick and later died. I had an Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love moment of break down lying on the floor and instead of not wanting to be married or have babies as Elizabeth felt; I instead I didn’t want to be dealing with this at my young age. In the year after her death, I had kept my life as dull as I could with alcohol. .
So, I kept partying. I met a guy and he was a good sign in my life. But, there came a point that he reached out his hand and offered it to me. He wanted me to settle down and sober up. It was like a door opened and it felt like it could save me. I thought I’d feel euphoric entering into that choice, but instead I lost everything. My friends were gone. I chose the guy and I was black-balled from my “normal” life. I never felt so alone. The guy remained steady, but I felt lonely and isolated. This lasted several years. In wasn’t all for nothing because this is where I started searching for spiritual growth. The flame I thought was gone it came back around where I had strange comfort in the fire I was building within. It reminded me when I was younger before the teen years when I still felt that being myself was cool or at least a small version of my Self. I circled around in this private world. I got married and had children. I kept to myself until I had no choice because the universe has a bigger plan for me.
My children grew up. I hesitated at every classroom door for every class party. I felt the same at every family function. They all thought they knew who I was, and I knew they were wrong. But, nothing made me want to tell the truth. It took me a long decade to have true friends. I have the most amazing group of people in my life now. But, I am the one that has the answers but I am the worst offender of not taking my own advice. How do you truly tell others to live their best life when you too scared to do the work that you are passionate about? Fear. How do you have such good friends but they know that deep down you aren’t telling them the truth of who you really are? Unworthiness.
And now here I am. I have been shaken to my core to live up to the potential and I still hesitate. Am I willing to knock down the wall to be free? The obvious answer should be yes. But, what would that really take? I have championed for others but I don’t do the same thing for myself. Why do I not think to put myself first? To put my goals as a priority? To love myself like I would my child? To want the best for me? I am in fear of achieving my goals. I know how to give love, but don’t give it back to myself. I have never done this before so how do I begin? And that is where I start….
The wall is cold. My hand presses on it to push it back, but it is solid. Even in my peripheral vision I can tell there is no opening. I’m not an engineer but how did I build something so elaborate. This wall seems to have no end. It is all around me. I can remember a time when that felt safe, but now it is hurting.
I close my eyes and wish for a way to see the light. I am asking for help. I can no longer do this alone. I surrender the wall. I surrender. I am on my knees and I hear an answer, “Make a choice to see the truth.” The truth? I open my eyes and there is light. Light all around me. The wall is gone. It was built out of fear. I see the light because I see it as the truth. The truth of who I really am and what I am here to do.