Which One?

I don’t know about you but in my past I had split personalities with how I acted with different people. Certain groups I would be loud and outgoing and then be quiet and more passive to others. There were times I didn’t realize the difference and then other times I knew exactly why I felt I had to act a certain way. It was the times that I was trying to fit in. I felt it so deeply to want to be liked but even if I tried to be like them they didn’t like me anyway. I could sense that it wasn’t worth it to try but had to experience the lesson many times. It’s the beginning of believing the way you are isn’t enough but enough for whom? For what?

The other aspect of this is that your soul chose your personality in order to get your soul work, lighted-path following, and passion filled work done. Why do we try to change so much for others? I’d like to imagine that I got more refined with age. I’d like to believe that I’m trying to work with the best parts of myself. It’s funny strange, but even in my 40’s I feel like I am being disapproved of by some people. It’s like they want to nudge me that my mouth running over “for them” needs to be told that I’m “too much or too loud or too crass”. It effects me less but I’m not immune.

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Taking the Time

Many of my blog posts get stuck in draft. Some of them don’t get published because I had a thought, but couldn’t get it out and once it takes so long I can’t bother to finish. Others are because I was whining, anger-filled, too much personal content and or possibly hurting someone else.

I read Glennon Doyle’s posts and she is so forthcoming with her life. She is wearing her emotions and talking about the gooey stuff and I am trying to process it on my own. I’m not sure if I could ever be that way. Being open like that is freeing, but I secretly am glad it is her not me. I think of anyone who has the ability to share such personal things as brave, but it can make me uncomfortable. I always thought I was feeling that discomfort for them, but I realize now it brings up discomfort in myself. It pokes at my own wounds. Continue reading

Realities of Self-Isolstion

Yesterday has been my most stressful day on record for me from the Covid-19 effect. It was stressful because I am still working out of the home and have 3 children trying to do online school. The youngest one Facetimed me many times trying to get help with a math worksheets. I had to tell him to stop and move on. But, the problem is that he is not the type of kid that this situation is working. He needs the connection with his teachers and other students. He has a hard time asking for help on a good day and now I had to come home and force him to ask for help on a question and email a teacher. I came home from work to then spend the rest of the evening helping him catch up so that his workload tomorrow is less.

I had tried to lay down the law and my oldest child would be warden this week. I said to get up earlier and get your work done first then fun stuff after. It backfired in some ways. They are more annoyed and wait for me to help finish projects or work but since I’m not there I don’t realize their plan until I’m home.

I want to say that I understand it is new for the teachers and for the children. I feel like I shouldn’t complain and that there is worse things. But, this is my pain. It is my stress. I hit a wall yesterday with trying to work, getting Facetimes I couldn’t answer, taking the calls on my lunch break and then going over my lunch break with my son to then stay late at work to make up for the time. Later, I felt resentful to come home because I wouldn’t be able to unwind and that it was homework for which proceeded to take up the whole evening. Adding to this, the premier came on the news to add to the sad predictions and state of our economy to just drive more fear into my family. I couldn’t talk about it and I couldn’t listen to it anymore. I changed the channel. I went to sleep as soon as I could to just shut off the day. I feel guilty that I am feeling this way. I am grateful for my life and this won’t last, but it is hard on my heart. We each will face our own pain during this time and all is ok to feel. We are each affected differently in our own lives.

On top of all this, my father is in a senior home. They are on lockdown. The libraries are closed now, but before I would get my father large print books to read. So, I got him a tablet, library membership over the phone and then downloaded the app that connects to the ability to download books from the library. It is awesome and I thought this is going to be great. The one problem is that I handed a device to an 87 year old man with no tech savvy skills. At first, he couldn’t flip a page. His fingers were unable to move anything. His hands are dry from all the sanitizing so I said you need a little lotion. Then next call, I don’t know what happened it all disappeared. Now, it is on the wrong page. I want to throw this tablet across the room. Ok, it’s fixed. The next call, I finished the book now how do I get back to the other books. I told him what to do. It isn’t doing anything. We kept discussing and then he was able to do it. He opened the next book and cheered that it said Chapter 1. I have over the years have had to talk others through programs, computer errors, and tech questions, but nothing could have prepared me for this situation. Hahaha. I fully feel for any tech company that has to try to talk someone with no computer experience through an issue over the phone.  I am lucky that it does seem to be working for him, but I wish I could show him face to face a little more. I know he is safe and is taking it seriously, but I pray he stays healthy.

My kids are up and down. They are muddling through their work. They are sad over the missing social interactions. They took for granted that they had school and people before all of this happened. My son misses this a lot. Then, their parents are gone for work and can’t be the support during this time. Then you feel the mom-guilt for resenting the long days this creates for myself.

I really contemplated blogging about this because I know why we are doing this and preventing illness but at the same time it is my truth of my situation. I write my truth on my journey. It is hard sometimes and other times I am so thankful and blessed. We have our jobs right now. We have food. We are healthy and the people we love are healthy right now too. But, my stresses are just as real as anyone else who acknowledges their own feelings.

I remind myself, day by day. We are in this together. The world is still a beautiful place. It won’t last forever. We will never forget and will not take for granted our family and friends we value most.

Be kind.

My Fears Are True

I’ve sat in fear on taking chances or risks because they wouldn’t work out. I have organized events where no one registers or when no one shows up. I have cried in past. Now, I feel disappointed when people promise and cancel. It takes time for me to organize another thing again. In some ways it’s torture. I feel I have lessons to learn and experience to gain but also I feel like a fool. Vulnerability leads to joy (or so they say) but it’s very uncomfortable along the way.

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Chasing Happiness

It’s futile!

You can’t chase happy. It isn’t something to be found but to be created.

I’ve been very mixed up on what happiness is for me. I’ve tried making others happy which I thought would return back to me. No dice. I’ve struggled with happiness thinking it was something to find outside of myself. But what I’ve really learned is happiness comes from within when you are living your authentic true self, following your passions and being filled with gratitude. I am not always doing this. All my crutches that I’ve used to block out the truth are poison and I need to release them. Anything I have told myself to deceive my truth was pulled out from some foggy files of my youth. I felt like I had things figured out but it is what I didn’t want to see which makes it so dangerous. The good feelings of love, joy and happiness elude me and control and fear replaced them Continue reading

Self-Examination Heals

A healing journey is going to be different for everyone because of life circumstances and what lessons we need to learn. But, there is one thing that is the same for everyone is that our healing begins within. It is me.

When I have spent time in the past being the victim and blaming others it is really annoying when you start having to look at yourself. No one makes you feel guilty, you feel guilty. A person treats you poorly that is about them and then how you respond is about you. At times, if you allow the same poor behavior to be given to you then that is something you are carrying to attract such behavior. Uggghhh!!! Fine. Continue reading

Action!

This has been my pattern. Great ideas are born in my mind in private and solitude. But, planting the seed out in public gets my back up. I have the most random thoughts of someone bad mouthing others about an event I might promote. The truth is that they will ignore it and just not go. If I saw someone who I wasn’t interested in advertising for an event I would just pass it on by and not go around telling others not to go. It takes energy to be negative and no one usually cares that much to waste precious time. Why do I self-sabotage? What is behind the fear of trying? I have had the bad moments happen such as no one showing up. I’ve had poor turnouts and great ones too. I think I am past the point that most know I dabble in some meditation, art or healing. It should be no surprise to most people. I shouldn’t feel awkward about talking spiritual. But, somewhere in the recesses of my mind not taking action rubs me the right way in my currency. Do I feel good for a moment when I don’t try? Do I get some satisfaction of being safe? Or staying comfortable? Do I watch the idea float up inside and it flourish in my imagination to watch it wither and die and disintegrate into thin air?

What is wrong with this picture? Continue reading

The Stories We Tell

Ego – is a false sense of self as shared by Eckhart Tolle. I’ll paraphrase Oprah to acknowledge the ego definition that “nothing, no material item, no position in life, no status, no job, no thing has ever defined who you are.

But, I still fall for it.

The ego comes out of me when I so believe that something is unfair. The need to be right. The need to explain myself to show that this is right. The need to defend myself when someone says I’m wrong. It is when I watch people in power, not just in politics but even in my small community, take advantage of their position to make life better for themselves. They think only of themselves and somehow seem to have and take every advantage. Even in my belief that their ethics are wrong they somehow prove that they are wealthier and more often than not stuff works out for them. I get caught up in that whirlwind that is “so unfair.” That is ego. Oprah tells me that when something happens that is hard that I have to ask “what’s the lesson?” Continue reading

Being You: How Hard Could This Be?

We were born and as soon as our soul is placed in our human body we start to forget about our true Essence of what we are to do on Earth. The older we get the more out of touch with our Higher Self we become. We can get easily caught up in the Earthly school and wonder what our purpose is really about.

Then we are given the opportunity to be on the Hero’s Journey. This is based on Joseph Campbell’s from his book The Hero With A Thousand Faces. Joseph never adapted the journey as one that a woman would make. Pffft. Things have changed dear Joseph. But, for the sake of his mythical journey analogy I think it raises the enlightenment of the journey of life. Continue reading

Battle of the Warrior

I have spent a lot of time working on my spiritual life. I started to pick up on my physical self. I work on my mental health. Mind body spirit has been an important part of my existence. But, I am faced with other’s struggles and with those three things I am at a loss on how to help.

There’s been a lot going on to people around me. Their pain is palpable. My help seems futile. I struggle with doing enough for them, moving ahead with my own life and trying not to implode from my lack. I know that their pain and suffering is not mine but when I reflect during this time it hurts me too. I in no way understand what it is like to have cancer nor have the treatments or be vulnerable to the health system. Continue reading