My Fears Are True

I’ve sat in fear on taking chances or risks because they wouldn’t work out. I have organized events where no one registers or when no one shows up. I have cried in past. Now, I feel disappointed when people promise and cancel. It takes time for me to organize another thing again. In some ways it’s torture. I feel I have lessons to learn and experience to gain but also I feel like a fool. Vulnerability leads to joy (or so they say) but it’s very uncomfortable along the way.

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Chasing Happiness

It’s futile!

You can’t chase happy. It isn’t something to be found but to be created.

I’ve been very mixed up on what happiness is for me. I’ve tried making others happy which I thought would return back to me. No dice. I’ve struggled with happiness thinking it was something to find outside of myself. But what I’ve really learned is happiness comes from within when you are living your authentic true self, following your passions and being filled with gratitude. I am not always doing this. All my crutches that I’ve used to block out the truth are poison and I need to release them. Anything I have told myself to deceive my truth was pulled out from some foggy files of my youth. I felt like I had things figured out but it is what I didn’t want to see which makes it so dangerous. The good feelings of love, joy and happiness elude me and control and fear replaced them Continue reading

Self-Examination Heals

A healing journey is going to be different for everyone because of life circumstances and what lessons we need to learn. But, there is one thing that is the same for everyone is that our healing begins within. It is me.

When I have spent time in the past being the victim and blaming others it is really annoying when you start having to look at yourself. No one makes you feel guilty, you feel guilty. A person treats you poorly that is about them and then how you respond is about you. At times, if you allow the same poor behavior to be given to you then that is something you are carrying to attract such behavior. Uggghhh!!! Fine. Continue reading

Action!

This has been my pattern. Great ideas are born in my mind in private and solitude. But, planting the seed out in public gets my back up. I have the most random thoughts of someone bad mouthing others about an event I might promote. The truth is that they will ignore it and just not go. If I saw someone who I wasn’t interested in advertising for an event I would just pass it on by and not go around telling others not to go. It takes energy to be negative and no one usually cares that much to waste precious time. Why do I self-sabotage? What is behind the fear of trying? I have had the bad moments happen such as no one showing up. I’ve had poor turnouts and great ones too. I think I am past the point that most know I dabble in some meditation, art or healing. It should be no surprise to most people. I shouldn’t feel awkward about talking spiritual. But, somewhere in the recesses of my mind not taking action rubs me the right way in my currency. Do I feel good for a moment when I don’t try? Do I get some satisfaction of being safe? Or staying comfortable? Do I watch the idea float up inside and it flourish in my imagination to watch it wither and die and disintegrate into thin air?

What is wrong with this picture? Continue reading

The Stories We Tell

Ego – is a false sense of self as shared by Eckhart Tolle. I’ll paraphrase Oprah to acknowledge the ego definition that “nothing, no material item, no position in life, no status, no job, no thing has ever defined who you are.

But, I still fall for it.

The ego comes out of me when I so believe that something is unfair. The need to be right. The need to explain myself to show that this is right. The need to defend myself when someone says I’m wrong. It is when I watch people in power, not just in politics but even in my small community, take advantage of their position to make life better for themselves. They think only of themselves and somehow seem to have and take every advantage. Even in my belief that their ethics are wrong they somehow prove that they are wealthier and more often than not stuff works out for them. I get caught up in that whirlwind that is “so unfair.” That is ego. Oprah tells me that when something happens that is hard that I have to ask “what’s the lesson?” Continue reading

Being You: How Hard Could This Be?

We were born and as soon as our soul is placed in our human body we start to forget about our true Essence of what we are to do on Earth. The older we get the more out of touch with our Higher Self we become. We can get easily caught up in the Earthly school and wonder what our purpose is really about.

Then we are given the opportunity to be on the Hero’s Journey. This is based on Joseph Campbell’s from his book The Hero With A Thousand Faces. Joseph never adapted the journey as one that a woman would make. Pffft. Things have changed dear Joseph. But, for the sake of his mythical journey analogy I think it raises the enlightenment of the journey of life. Continue reading

Battle of the Warrior

I have spent a lot of time working on my spiritual life. I started to pick up on my physical self. I work on my mental health. Mind body spirit has been an important part of my existence. But, I am faced with other’s struggles and with those three things I am at a loss on how to help.

There’s been a lot going on to people around me. Their pain is palpable. My help seems futile. I struggle with doing enough for them, moving ahead with my own life and trying not to implode from my lack. I know that their pain and suffering is not mine but when I reflect during this time it hurts me too. I in no way understand what it is like to have cancer nor have the treatments or be vulnerable to the health system. Continue reading

Faith Over Certainty

You get the voice that shares a feeling. It only makes one reference such as “go ask that person out” or “quit your job”. But, the mind comes in wants to see the entire thing. But, that feeling is a preview. The voice can’t tell you why because you’ve never done it before. So, we ignore it and fall into society’s belief that we should talk ourselves out of it. The voice can’t tell you anything more because you’d be moving from faith to certainty. We sabotage our lives and have done everything we can to stop ourselves from thriving.

-paraphrased from Kyle Cease video

I recently have been writing down my ideas in the note section of my phone. And I grapple with the same things that he mentions in this video. I get the idea and it won’t take long but the mind convinces me that I am not enough to complete it or that someone else is doing it and worst of all that no one will show up. Continue reading

Note to Self

I always used to use that expression, “note to self” when I wanted to remember something. I haven’t used it in a long time and it came to me when I was thinking that I have had a lot of little things come up and felt they were important and didn’t want to forget. Here goes…

Note to Self:

I want to remember that all that has happened was to propel me forward. Even in the darkest times, my biggest failures, my rock bottoms, bad choices and shame happened to me for a Divine reason. At the time, I was in despair, but retrospect has changed me beyond what was possible if only I had good times going on in my life. If you were asked what situation has defined you; the reply would never be the trip to Hawaii it would always be the parts of life that has shaken you up. Continue reading

A Prison I Made

Here it begins.

Debbie Ford isn’t with us anymore. But, her work on our shadow self is just as needed. I have studied it in the past, but the one thing I learned is that if you open the door and take a peak that you will get a good taste of what is there. Most of us want to slam the door and go back into denial. I do too. But, each time I look it seems that I get a little closer to the truth.  Continue reading