I’m still here.
It is an unusual time for me. I noticed that I haven’t really chatted with any friends. I’m not bothered by it. But, it all happened at the same time which made me notice it. And then I read that you need isolation to have a shift happen in your life. Isolation always felt scary like being alone is the worst thing that can happen, but I’ve learned being at peace by myself is a gift. Continue reading
I have learned some valuable lessons over my time in searching for answers to this life of mine. And I am going to share them with you and document them for myself. I can tell you theses lessons have all come with pain, tears and great joy but they changed everything for me.
“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.” Meister Eckhart
Being thankful for everything you have right now can really keep your heart and mind at peace. If you constantly can see the good in your situation it can make such an amazing difference. The best thing I ever heard when it came to gratitude was that even in our stormiest times that we should say thanks for the lesson we were going to learn. We don’t learn anything from staying safe and even a situation perceived as bad can teach us an amazing part of our self that we are stronger and better then we thought. Continue reading
*The only reason I can write this blog is because as I promised from last post that I had to take a risk. I did it. I wrote up a 4 week beginner meditation proposal that I would facilitate and sent it to an organization to see if they would allow me in their space. I sent it and felt naked.
I know we understand what being naked is like in the physical body, but what happens when we strip down the spiritual body? And what are we taking off?
My spiritual body is my soul. As I enter the human body it doesn’t take long for my limitations and walls to start going up. Protections need to be made, boundaries are drawn and labels start to stick which in turn start to block the soul from reaching the space between us and our True Self. Continue reading
I worked on writing down my goals and desires. I tried to write down the first steps in moving forward and then added some deadlines to get motivated. I faltered there. Ego took over a lot and convinced me that I am crazy for wanting more. I have a good life. I still worked through and wrote it down, but when I stared at them nothing made me feel excited. I flipped the page over and then just wrote down every idea that I have had recently and filled up the page. I felt more excitement. They appeared to be more of a bucket list, but maybe that is what is needed from me. I have so many hopes and dreams and I am not even trying to fulfill them a little bit. Continue reading
I refuse to move from this spot until I make another choice. I want to choose as I always have…the choice of staying small. I sit here thinking a miracle will happen but the universe has conspired to stand back and let me choose. I know if I choose the same I’ll end up here in a year in the same exact spot just a different date on the calendar.
If I choose different then I must be vulnerable and face my fears. The fears of getting some attention, failing, falling on my face, rising to new heights and all the other possibilities. Continue reading
“Everybody can be great, because everybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. You don’t have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve. You don’t have to know Einstein’s “Theory of Relativity” to serve. You don’t have to know the Second Theory of Thermal Dynamics in Physics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love.”
– Excerpted from “The Drum Major Instinct”, a sermon by Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., 1968.
As I read the quote from Martin Luther King I felt inspired that I could do great soul work too. I was ready to blog. I was ready to share my wisdom…and I had nothing to tell you except more of my pain. I struggled with it because ego says “I’m done with sharing where my fears comes from.” But, the soul whispers “Free your self.” Continue reading
I heard Deepak Chopra mention in a meditation that “There is a tendency, unfortunately, spirituality involves renouncing your desires. But, there is nothing impure about desire itself.” That statement brought me to this blog to create a voice about my spirituality dilemma and the church I grew up in. Continue reading
I have a split personality. I have the awareness, spiritual side. That side of my parenting and me as a woman in the world is very calm and peaceful. When she is strongly connected in spirit, surrounded by nature and in harmony she does offer the best advice. She sees her children as these souls experiencing life. She wants them to see themselves as they are and being ok with all of it.
The other side is the ego. It holds the fears. It shows itself mostly with anger, but it has sneaky ways too when I get a great idea and then quickly my brain tells me how I shouldn’t do that. I pass it off as no big deal, but in awareness I realize that was my fears at play. The ego yells at my kids and snots off the lady at the grocery store. It is the reactive place when I am not conscious.
The awareness is starting to be there more and more. Even if the ego starts its rant the awareness kicks in and stops me. I am working on this in my parenting of my children. I am trying to keep it in the forefront that each of my children are individuals and have a purpose here. I cannot impose my dreams on them. I have seen it already in many things. My kids all show athleticism in sports they try. I did too. But, wasn’t allowed the opportunity until I was older to join sport activities. I sent them off to soccer, volleyball, basketball and hockey. There has always been a small voice that says if you did all the training and took them into the elite levels they will make it. Then, the spirit asks is that what they want, or is it what I had wished for? I have to breathe. Is it my dream for them, or their own?
Is success for them based on my expectations?
It truly is the hardest thing to not force confirmation on them. To just allow them to be there and speak to them when I am in my awareness. I was upset with my daughter the other day because of a website she was on. I yelled at first, but soon realized, no that is not what I want to convey here. I immediately calmed my tone and told her the concern and that I wanted her to understand the stranger on the other side of the computer. Underneath all of that I told her, if you are lonely then lets make plans with your friends, or let’s watch the movie you wanted me to watch with you. I want you to focus your connection with real people and not think that connection will come from strangers. We watched the movie. When I spoke to her in the calm voice and tried to see what the real deal was she said to me, I love you. I know that’s her way of saying thank you for seeing me.
I want to help pave the road and open doors for them. But, I want them to choose if it is the road for them or the door to go through. I want them choosing in their awareness. I want them to remember that they’ve had the power all along and not to let them forget that the awareness is what they were born with. We, as a society, put the limitations and the children forget who they truly are to be. We must let them remember.
I examined my life. I felt a freedom in it. I looked at life and realized that I had told the stories to keep it all logical because I didn’t want to feel any of the pain. The raw emotions were vulnerability and back then that was scary. It still has its moments.
Fast forward. I went and saw two different energy healers in a matter of a few days. They each helped in their own way. The first reminded me to keep being curious in my life. There were many things out there that I should look into and add to my life and practice. The second healer reminded me to be brave. What if I woke every morning and asked myself how could I be brave today? He told me to clearly define what it is I want. Homework!! Continue reading
This journey of discovering my vulnerability has made me examine my past. I have struggled with looking back at my life because I have always thought I don’t want to go back there. I don’t live there anymore. I had this belief for a long time, but after visiting a healer she told me that I have my past, especially with my mother, still held inside. I laughed and cried a bit because I thought, haven’t I dealt with this? The healing also brought up vulnerability and how I needed to face the truth about myself. Continue reading