I’ve been on this journey of finding myself. I think what I wanted in that journey is that once I could put a finger on my biggest problem and have awareness that I could just move on from there. Release. Letting go. Mic drop. Done. I would be on the bus to my future and we were all along for the ride in peace and tranquility. This is the proof that as humans we just want to get back to normal after everything feels fixed, including me. Deep down I know that life is more like an onion full of layers. Peel one back. Cry. Then there is another layer. The past traumas seem different since we feel time has healed our wounds. I’m not 14 or 18 anymore. The same people can’t hurt me like they did back then. The realization is that the pain is very real and when it comes back sharply and with the same gut wrenching feeling after a memory surfaces then it is still alive and well living in my storage unit aka human body.
I have been doing some reading and it is one of those self-help books that require you to do work while you read. Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life by Christine Hassler is in the top three of great books that changed my protectory of my life. (The Untethered Soul and Seat of the Soul are the other two books if you were wondering) This book came up on my radar and the person had said it changed their life. I’m not finished the book yet, but it has really made me look and examine aspects of times my expectations were not met and I got the disappointment that came immediately after. I felt I had to write it out because I worried I would forget this moment and it seemed so poignant not to ever forget.
It is a quote that I have been tossing around lately. How many times do you not want to finish a task or project because it won’t be perfect? If I am not amazing at something then doubt creeps in.
Elizabeth Gilbert in “Big Magic” says, “Completion is a rather honorable achievement in its own right. What’s more, it’s a rare one. Because the truth of the matter is, most people don’t finish things! Look around you, the evidence is everywhere: People don’t finish. They begin ambitious projects with the best of intentions, but then they get stuck in a mire of insecurity and doubt and hairsplitting . . . and they stop.” I am part of the pack of people who don’t finish all that they start.
Sometimes when I write in my blog I think one of my children will read this in the future. I wonder if they’ll see me differently than as they see me without the blog entries. I remember not really knowing my own mother before she died and doing research later on and hearing about her life and thinking that I had no idea who she was at all. My mom didn’t tell me too many stories. My dad tried to fill in the blanks for me. My own children dismiss my stories sometimes like they heard it before or it isn’t like that anymore. But, I know the truth that the human spirit and connection between people haven’t changed all that much. It reads the same, but who am I at this stage of the game. I’m just the mom.
You can’t chase happy. It isn’t something to be found but to be created.
I’ve been very mixed up on what happiness is for me. I’ve tried making others happy which I thought would return back to me. No dice. I’ve struggled with happiness thinking it was something to find outside of myself. But what I’ve really learned is happiness comes from within when you are living your authentic true self, following your passions and being filled with gratitude. I am not always doing this. All my crutches that I’ve used to block out the truth are poison and I need to release them. Anything I have told myself to deceive my truth was pulled out from some foggy files of my youth. I felt like I had things figured out but it is what I didn’t want to see which makes it so dangerous. The good feelings of love, joy and happiness elude me and control and fear replaced them Continue reading →
A healing journey is going to be different for everyone because of life circumstances and what lessons we need to learn. But, there is one thing that is the same for everyone is that our healing begins within. It is me.
When I have spent time in the past being the victim and blaming others it is really annoying when you start having to look at yourself. No one makes you feel guilty, you feel guilty. A person treats you poorly that is about them and then how you respond is about you. At times, if you allow the same poor behavior to be given to you then that is something you are carrying to attract such behavior. Uggghhh!!! Fine. Continue reading →
I always used to use that expression, “note to self” when I wanted to remember something. I haven’t used it in a long time and it came to me when I was thinking that I have had a lot of little things come up and felt they were important and didn’t want to forget. Here goes…
Note to Self:
I want to remember that all that has happened was to propel me forward. Even in the darkest times, my biggest failures, my rock bottoms, bad choices and shame happened to me for a Divine reason. At the time, I was in despair, but retrospect has changed me beyond what was possible if only I had good times going on in my life. If you were asked what situation has defined you; the reply would never be the trip to Hawaii it would always be the parts of life that has shaken you up. Continue reading →
My last blog I stated that I would do some tasks that work on my Self. I did. I went to the local Christmas craft sale and promoted my art and did mini-card readings with chakra testing. I had some business and made some cash. I didn’t sell any art, but it was good just to share it. The more things I do that feel scary and then turn out to be ok makes me feel stronger. Continue reading →
I’ve been working on this spiritual awareness stuff for awhile. I struggle. Sometimes I think I want to go back to the heavy veil over my eyes before there was awareness of the bigger picture. So, I let my mind wander back about 9 years ago. I was getting my worse cases of anxiety. My little girls were in elementary school and I struggled with them telling me their struggles. I would have been calling the school more. I would have probably developed some illnesses and depression. I had very little friends in the community and I had a constant war inside of knowing that this wasn’t important, but thinking it was everything. I lived in constant fear. I wanted to make my home a safe and comfortable place, but I know that comfortable isn’t safe at all. You never take a risk and you can’t discover your passion. Continue reading →
It was late last night and I left my last blog post hanging. It was late. I am not having a good day. I asked the question, how do I hold myself accountable to my path? I realized that feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable seems to be the only way. And comfort causes more issues which seems so contrary to everything a human wants to feel…peace. I decided that when I feel that way it is just an illusion. Real ups and downs are better for me then just staying comfortable.
But, I don’t want to chase the pain away. I don’t want to push it down. I don’t want to eat or drink anything to calm it. I just want to accept it. I want to look at it and feel compassion and love for myself. I want to let it go and leave my body and fill the space with new passion. Continue reading →
This journey of discovering my vulnerability has made me examine my past. I have struggled with looking back at my life because I have always thought I don’t want to go back there. I don’t live there anymore. I had this belief for a long time, but after visiting a healer she told me that I have my past, especially with my mother, still held inside. I laughed and cried a bit because I thought, haven’t I dealt with this? The healing also brought up vulnerability and how I needed to face the truth about myself.Continue reading →