My Pain for Glory

It was late last night and I left my last blog post hanging. It was late. I am not having a good day. I asked the question, how do I hold myself accountable to my path? I realized that feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable seems to be the only way. And comfort causes more issues which seems so contrary to everything a human wants to feel…peace. I decided that when I feel that way it is just an illusion. Real ups and downs are better for me then just staying comfortable.

But, I don’t want to chase the pain away. I don’t want to push it down. I don’t want to eat or drink anything to calm it. I just want to accept it. I want to look at it and feel compassion and love for myself. I want to let it go and leave my body and fill the space with new passion. Continue reading

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Part 1 Examine My Life

This journey of discovering my vulnerability has made me examine my past. I have struggled with looking back at my life because I have always thought I don’t want to go back there. I don’t live there anymore. I had this belief for a long time, but after visiting a healer she told me that I have my past, especially with my mother, still held inside. I laughed and cried a bit because I thought, haven’t I dealt with this? The healing also brought up vulnerability and how I needed to face the truth about myself. Continue reading

Getting Old Sucks

Sir, have you had thoughts of suicide? Do you sometimes feel that your family would be better off without you? He breaks down and says yes, some days.

It hurts my heart to hear the answer to the question. He is so brave and has been so strong for so many years. But, the body is becoming weak. The mind is sharp. It is a pain deep inside watching this conversation between doctor and patient. I can’t seem to lose that moment in my memory.  He has had a stroke. He has had a lot of stress leading up to this stroke. It wasn’t the cause, but it didn’t help. Continue reading