Chasing Happiness

It’s futile!

You can’t chase happy. It isn’t something to be found but to be created.

I’ve been very mixed up on what happiness is for me. I’ve tried making others happy which I thought would return back to me. No dice. I’ve struggled with happiness thinking it was something to find outside of myself. But what I’ve really learned is happiness comes from within when you are living your authentic true self, following your passions and being filled with gratitude. I am not always doing this. All my crutches that I’ve used to block out the truth are poison and I need to release them. Anything I have told myself to deceive my truth was pulled out from some foggy files of my youth. I felt like I had things figured out but it is what I didn’t want to see which makes it so dangerous. The good feelings of love, joy and happiness elude me and control and fear replaced them Continue reading

Self-Examination Heals

A healing journey is going to be different for everyone because of life circumstances and what lessons we need to learn. But, there is one thing that is the same for everyone is that our healing begins within. It is me.

When I have spent time in the past being the victim and blaming others it is really annoying when you start having to look at yourself. No one makes you feel guilty, you feel guilty. A person treats you poorly that is about them and then how you respond is about you. At times, if you allow the same poor behavior to be given to you then that is something you are carrying to attract such behavior. Uggghhh!!! Fine. Continue reading

Note to Self

I always used to use that expression, “note to self” when I wanted to remember something. I haven’t used it in a long time and it came to me when I was thinking that I have had a lot of little things come up and felt they were important and didn’t want to forget. Here goes…

Note to Self:

I want to remember that all that has happened was to propel me forward. Even in the darkest times, my biggest failures, my rock bottoms, bad choices and shame happened to me for a Divine reason. At the time, I was in despair, but retrospect has changed me beyond what was possible if only I had good times going on in my life. If you were asked what situation has defined you; the reply would never be the trip to Hawaii it would always be the parts of life that has shaken you up. Continue reading

Flawed and Struggling

It has been 6 weeks since my last blog.

It is hard to write anything when you feel shame.

My last blog I stated that I would do some tasks that work on my Self. I did. I went to the local Christmas craft sale and promoted my art and did mini-card readings with chakra testing. I had some business and made some cash. I didn’t sell any art, but it was good just to share it. The more things I do that feel scary and then turn out to be ok makes me feel stronger. Continue reading

Can’t Go Back

I’ve been working on this spiritual awareness stuff for awhile. I struggle. Sometimes I think I want to go back to the heavy veil over my eyes before there was awareness of the bigger picture. So, I let my mind wander back about 9 years ago. I was getting my worse cases of anxiety. My little girls were in elementary school and I struggled with them telling me their struggles. I would have been calling the school more. I would have probably developed some illnesses and depression. I had very little friends in the community and I had a constant war inside of knowing that this wasn’t important, but thinking it was everything. I lived in constant fear. I wanted to make my home a safe and comfortable place, but I know that comfortable isn’t safe at all. You never take a risk and you can’t discover your passion. Continue reading

My Pain for Glory

It was late last night and I left my last blog post hanging. It was late. I am not having a good day. I asked the question, how do I hold myself accountable to my path? I realized that feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable seems to be the only way. And comfort causes more issues which seems so contrary to everything a human wants to feel…peace. I decided that when I feel that way it is just an illusion. Real ups and downs are better for me then just staying comfortable.

But, I don’t want to chase the pain away. I don’t want to push it down. I don’t want to eat or drink anything to calm it. I just want to accept it. I want to look at it and feel compassion and love for myself. I want to let it go and leave my body and fill the space with new passion. Continue reading

Part 1 Examine My Life

This journey of discovering my vulnerability has made me examine my past. I have struggled with looking back at my life because I have always thought I don’t want to go back there. I don’t live there anymore. I had this belief for a long time, but after visiting a healer she told me that I have my past, especially with my mother, still held inside. I laughed and cried a bit because I thought, haven’t I dealt with this? The healing also brought up vulnerability and how I needed to face the truth about myself. Continue reading

Getting Old Sucks

Sir, have you had thoughts of suicide? Do you sometimes feel that your family would be better off without you? He breaks down and says yes, some days.

It hurts my heart to hear the answer to the question. He is so brave and has been so strong for so many years. But, the body is becoming weak. The mind is sharp. It is a pain deep inside watching this conversation between doctor and patient. I can’t seem to lose that moment in my memory.  He has had a stroke. He has had a lot of stress leading up to this stroke. It wasn’t the cause, but it didn’t help. Continue reading