I had an epiphany yesterday driving to the hockey arena. The arena has really wonderful people in it, but also very high-energy, competitive, controlling, manipulative people there too. It got me thinking about all the varied personalities on the way there for the second time that day because of our hockey tournament. Continue reading
I have teenage daughters.
I used to be a teenager. I never think of that time as easy or forgettable. I remember. The struggles and emotional world wind that time was to me is brought back to the surface time and again listening to my daughter’s stories. But, I also know with surety that the time we spend in this hormonal hell hole is short. In the big picture it is clear but I understand when you’re in it that it feels like forever. Continue reading
I have a split personality. I have the awareness, spiritual side. That side of my parenting and me as a woman in the world is very calm and peaceful. When she is strongly connected in spirit, surrounded by nature and in harmony she does offer the best advice. She sees her children as these souls experiencing life. She wants them to see themselves as they are and being ok with all of it.
The other side is the ego. It holds the fears. It shows itself mostly with anger, but it has sneaky ways too when I get a great idea and then quickly my brain tells me how I shouldn’t do that. I pass it off as no big deal, but in awareness I realize that was my fears at play. The ego yells at my kids and snots off the lady at the grocery store. It is the reactive place when I am not conscious.
The awareness is starting to be there more and more. Even if the ego starts its rant the awareness kicks in and stops me. I am working on this in my parenting of my children. I am trying to keep it in the forefront that each of my children are individuals and have a purpose here. I cannot impose my dreams on them. I have seen it already in many things. My kids all show athleticism in sports they try. I did too. But, wasn’t allowed the opportunity until I was older to join sport activities. I sent them off to soccer, volleyball, basketball and hockey. There has always been a small voice that says if you did all the training and took them into the elite levels they will make it. Then, the spirit asks is that what they want, or is it what I had wished for? I have to breathe. Is it my dream for them, or their own?
Is success for them based on my expectations?
It truly is the hardest thing to not force confirmation on them. To just allow them to be there and speak to them when I am in my awareness. I was upset with my daughter the other day because of a website she was on. I yelled at first, but soon realized, no that is not what I want to convey here. I immediately calmed my tone and told her the concern and that I wanted her to understand the stranger on the other side of the computer. Underneath all of that I told her, if you are lonely then lets make plans with your friends, or let’s watch the movie you wanted me to watch with you. I want you to focus your connection with real people and not think that connection will come from strangers. We watched the movie. When I spoke to her in the calm voice and tried to see what the real deal was she said to me, I love you. I know that’s her way of saying thank you for seeing me.
I want to help pave the road and open doors for them. But, I want them to choose if it is the road for them or the door to go through. I want them choosing in their awareness. I want them to remember that they’ve had the power all along and not to let them forget that the awareness is what they were born with. We, as a society, put the limitations and the children forget who they truly are to be. We must let them remember.
I was getting ready for a fundraising event and I had my phone playing music. A slow song came on and I let it play not thinking much about it. The song was over and it repeated. No songs had repeated up to that point, and no song repeated after. It was strange. The song was, “I Believe in Love”. It made me ask, do I believe in love? Continue reading
A friend asked that I blog about judgmental parents. I thought oh sure, that is such an easy topic, but I think she wanted me to make a plea to parents to be kinder when speaking about other people’s children. It seems to be so common in our society. Is it truly just a human condition? As a human, we are constantly comparing, judging and measuring. Are they better or are they less than us? We can’t ever seem to let it be. I was one of those parents long ago and maybe catch myself thinking or saying it once in a while even now. I held my ruler up and measured them against how I was as a parent and many failed. Some parents didn’t fail, but somehow seemed like they had it together better then me then I felt jealousy. Once in a while, I make it sound like I have it all together when I don’t. A parent will talk to me about their own children and most times I will say yes, I have been there, but sometimes I offer advice on what I have told my own children, but it makes me feel like I’m sounding superior. I don’t like it about me. I try to remain aware in conversations when people reach out. They want to be heard and supported and not reminded of their failings. Continue reading
Bubby: If you believe in God then you go to heaven?
Me: What do you think?
Bubby: Yes. When I die I’ll get to heaven and meet Terry Fox*(see note below)? (He had recently watched a video at school and was very touched by his journey.)
Me: Yes, you would meet Terry Fox. It’s not just believing in God it’s being the good person and being kind to one another and that’s how you get to heaven. (Had to add the being good part)
Bubby: Mom? Will you always be my mom?
Me: Yes. Forever.
Bubby: But, when I die and come back in another life you won’t be my mom?
Me: (I had to pause here, my kid is talking about reincarnation) Well, maybe I’ll come back as your kid and you’ll be my dad. Maybe we will be best friends. Maybe we will get married.
Bubby: Ewwww. (And laughs but quickly gets serious again) Mom one day you’ll die. I don’t like that.
Me: Yes, but then I’ll get to meet Terry Fox and I’ll keep watching over you. And I’ll wait for you to live your life and do amazing things and then you can come join me and Terry Fox in heaven.
Bubby: Don’t be a scary ghost. I’ll lock you out of the house. (Laughing)
Me: One day you’ll get older and you’ll understand it’s not so scary. You and I are bonded forever even if we die we will continue being together. But, until your older and can understand this more just know that right now I’m your mommy in this life. I can see you feel worried and I don’t want you to worry about it anymore.
We snuggled up and watched our movie. But it got me thinking and watching him out of the corner of my eye. How does a little person think such big thoughts? And it occurred to me that it’s the soul talking. It brought up our connection to each other. It may appear it was his anxiety but I believe that my job as his mother is to just awaken his soul memory and that he is a much grander soul then me. And I understand why he came to me in this life.
In the awakening of my soul memory and serving my purpose here on earth I will be able to help my children to remember why they are here. Thank you Bubby for that gift!!
* Terry Fox waas a Canadian athlete, humanitarian, and cancer research activist. In 1980, with one leg having been amputated, he embarked on a cross-Canada run to raise money and awareness for cancer research. Although the spread of his cancer eventually forced him to end his quest after 143 days and 5,373 kilometres (3,339 mi), and ultimately cost him his life, his efforts resulted in a lasting, worldwide legacy. The annual Terry Fox Run, first held in 1981, has grown to involve millions of participants in over 60 countries and is now the world’s largest one-day fundraiser for cancer research; over C$650 million has been raised in his name. (Wikipedia)
I’ve used this term “planting a seed” quite often recently. I had told a friend who was frustrated that she couldn’t get out of old habits. I said in awareness the seed is planted and just like a real seed the plant doesn’t grow overnight. It takes time and nurturing of self to see the growth. If you keep being kind in the change to yourself and the acceptance then great changes are made. A seed in this circumstance is planting a new idea in my mind or maybe yours. It can be asking for what you want and releasing it out to the universe. The seed is the beginning and the end. In real seed life span, you use it to plant but then the seeds are reproduced to keep spreading. Is the seeds you are spreading like weeds infesting other plants or is your seeds planted with love and beauty in mind?
We plant seeds every day in our children. I’ve noticed sometimes the seeds I’ve given out myself have had to be removed because I’ve realized it was damaging and there are times it’s too late for me to change it. I may have to ask for forgiveness and forgive myself. These gardens can easily become infested with garbage thoughts and also can flourish into incredible beauty. But, both needs care and attention. My role as their mom has made me question if I’m the garden attendant or the gardener. But I’m just a seed planter. I hope that a remark or kind word or by my actions will stimulate new growth for them. It can quickly change because my child doesn’t guard their garden and someone comes in and destroys what has been created. Or they plant new seeds that may or may not help. My role is simple that I must teach them how the garden works. It starts with our self.
It’s a crazy seed gardening trip. It’s so easily manipulated and changed. So I focus on planting seeds with great love and to make great positive change. In every action and interaction we are planting seeds among people we are in contact with everyday. Be considerate of those actions and either you are adding beauty and possibly destroying it. Choose well.
My son is a sweet boy. He’s mine so of course I love him to pieces. But, as I would tell you about any of my children I love them for all their “stuff”. I love their victories. I love good grades. I love when they score. I love their hugs. I love their humor. But, I love their faults. I secretly love their snide remarks (still punishable, but somehow courageous). I love them pushing the boundaries and getting the rude awakening of being put back into place. I love when they have to get through a hard lesson. I love what others call a weakness, because I know it is to be their greatest strength with a bit or lots of perseverance they can overcome. Hockey for my boy has done all these things and more. Overcoming your fears is the greatest lesson that I could teach and for any one of us to learn.
My girls have their activities picked out right away. I wanted my son to try a sport during the winter months. So, I tried to point him in every direction except hockey. I had grown up playing baseball as a kid. Hockey has a heartbeat all its own in this area. The families live and breathe it and are unavailable during most weekends through the season. Weekends are so sacred to me that even I had a difficult task of allowing that to be given up for a sport that I didn’t feel any ties to. I offered him taekwondo. I said he could break a board. He would learn to kick his sister’s butts. He said, “Mom, I don’t like them very much but I don’t want to hurt them.” I was joking, I told him. But, it didn’t change it for him.
He told me he would play soccer, but all we have locally is an outdoor season and it isn’t until the spring. I said that isn’t going to work since as soon as you hear the purr of the tractor you’ll drop soccer leaving me to try to get my money back.
I had a bit of hockey equipment sitting in the shed but as September had started I wasn’t mentioning it except in light whispers and when he was asleep. The season had begun. I was resisting to ask him about it, but one afternoon I had asked him again.
“What do you want to do?”
He said, “I’d play hockey or soccer.”
“Why hockey?” Turning away so not to show my shocked face.
“Because my friends play it.”
Huh. So, I said ok. I went out the next day and bought the next few pieces we needed. I brought them home and told him ok, we will put you in hockey. He freaked out. He screamed no. I’m not doing that. They will laugh at me. And for reasons unknown to me I spent the time to calmly convince him to try at least once. He tried on the equipment and ran around the house like he was a Transformer.
The night of practice rolled around and he fought it. He didn’t want to go and told me all his fears of why it wasn’t a good idea for him. For a seven year old he was very articulate. I paused for a moment and thought I don’t want to go either. But, with a sigh, I told him I will help you get dressed, I will watch you participate and you need to try at least once. He got his coat and boots on and drove to the arena. I talked about how everyone feels nervous the first time. I told him just try your best and that every time you go you will get better and better. I told him stories of his sister’s trying things and feeling nervous too. He nodded and listened and only asked that I stay at the arena and watch.
He went out on the ice. He fell countless times. Parents were coming and going through the arena teasing me about being a hockey mom. I was honest and said I am not happy about it. I watched my kid be told by the coaches on what drill was next, or waited for him to skate over to join the other kids since he was always last. I couldn’t hear what they had to say and with my son’s helmet on I had no clue what his face would reveal about how he was feeling.
Time was up and practice was officially over. I headed downstairs to the dressing room. He saw me and waited for me to approach and said, I’m so proud of myself. And in that moment all my hating of hockey and being the hockey mom broke away. I was taken to the most primitive place of love and admiration. My boy was to be forever changed by this moment. He liked it, but as his mom I knew that most blessed part of this whole thing was that his voice inside was now full of courage. I can do it. If I practice I can get better at it. If I work hard and listen to the coaches I will get better. And, if I try new things that it can be mastered.
He has learned a lot and I’m sure some of that is the game of hockey, but for me he has learned a lot about life. He’s had coaches and kids on the team say things to him which he questions and we talk about it. He can roll with the punches and find that voice inside that says I got this and I’m ok. Hockey is just the sport that has taught him some things on this path and in truth it could have been another sport had we lived in another area that offered more choices, but now I wouldn’t change it. It was growth for me too. I was nervous about it as well, but it is what we make of it.
My want for my kids will always be success, but I know the difficulties will be the most pivotal changes to be overcome. His success with hockey is not mine. It is his. If this goes any further to him it will be great, but to me, my goal is not trying to get him advanced at the game, but to use the tools presented in his life to shape him into an adult so that he knows how to overcome problems and can handle new things that will enter his life again and again. In that, I am grateful.
Dedicated to R.B. and of course to my Bubby.