Realities of Self-Isolstion

Yesterday has been my most stressful day on record for me from the Covid-19 effect. It was stressful because I am still working out of the home and have 3 children trying to do online school. The youngest one Facetimed me many times trying to get help with a math worksheets. I had to tell him to stop and move on. But, the problem is that he is not the type of kid that this situation is working. He needs the connection with his teachers and other students. He has a hard time asking for help on a good day and now I had to come home and force him to ask for help on a question and email a teacher. I came home from work to then spend the rest of the evening helping him catch up so that his workload tomorrow is less.

I had tried to lay down the law and my oldest child would be warden this week. I said to get up earlier and get your work done first then fun stuff after. It backfired in some ways. They are more annoyed and wait for me to help finish projects or work but since I’m not there I don’t realize their plan until I’m home.

I want to say that I understand it is new for the teachers and for the children. I feel like I shouldn’t complain and that there is worse things. But, this is my pain. It is my stress. I hit a wall yesterday with trying to work, getting Facetimes I couldn’t answer, taking the calls on my lunch break and then going over my lunch break with my son to then stay late at work to make up for the time. Later, I felt resentful to come home because I wouldn’t be able to unwind and that it was homework for which proceeded to take up the whole evening. Adding to this, the premier came on the news to add to the sad predictions and state of our economy to just drive more fear into my family. I couldn’t talk about it and I couldn’t listen to it anymore. I changed the channel. I went to sleep as soon as I could to just shut off the day. I feel guilty that I am feeling this way. I am grateful for my life and this won’t last, but it is hard on my heart. We each will face our own pain during this time and all is ok to feel. We are each affected differently in our own lives.

On top of all this, my father is in a senior home. They are on lockdown. The libraries are closed now, but before I would get my father large print books to read. So, I got him a tablet, library membership over the phone and then downloaded the app that connects to the ability to download books from the library. It is awesome and I thought this is going to be great. The one problem is that I handed a device to an 87 year old man with no tech savvy skills. At first, he couldn’t flip a page. His fingers were unable to move anything. His hands are dry from all the sanitizing so I said you need a little lotion. Then next call, I don’t know what happened it all disappeared. Now, it is on the wrong page. I want to throw this tablet across the room. Ok, it’s fixed. The next call, I finished the book now how do I get back to the other books. I told him what to do. It isn’t doing anything. We kept discussing and then he was able to do it. He opened the next book and cheered that it said Chapter 1. I have over the years have had to talk others through programs, computer errors, and tech questions, but nothing could have prepared me for this situation. Hahaha. I fully feel for any tech company that has to try to talk someone with no computer experience through an issue over the phone.  I am lucky that it does seem to be working for him, but I wish I could show him face to face a little more. I know he is safe and is taking it seriously, but I pray he stays healthy.

My kids are up and down. They are muddling through their work. They are sad over the missing social interactions. They took for granted that they had school and people before all of this happened. My son misses this a lot. Then, their parents are gone for work and can’t be the support during this time. Then you feel the mom-guilt for resenting the long days this creates for myself.

I really contemplated blogging about this because I know why we are doing this and preventing illness but at the same time it is my truth of my situation. I write my truth on my journey. It is hard sometimes and other times I am so thankful and blessed. We have our jobs right now. We have food. We are healthy and the people we love are healthy right now too. But, my stresses are just as real as anyone else who acknowledges their own feelings.

I remind myself, day by day. We are in this together. The world is still a beautiful place. It won’t last forever. We will never forget and will not take for granted our family and friends we value most.

Be kind.

My Fears Are True

I’ve sat in fear on taking chances or risks because they wouldn’t work out. I have organized events where no one registers or when no one shows up. I have cried in past. Now, I feel disappointed when people promise and cancel. It takes time for me to organize another thing again. In some ways it’s torture. I feel I have lessons to learn and experience to gain but also I feel like a fool. Vulnerability leads to joy (or so they say) but it’s very uncomfortable along the way.

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Chasing Happiness

It’s futile!

You can’t chase happy. It isn’t something to be found but to be created.

I’ve been very mixed up on what happiness is for me. I’ve tried making others happy which I thought would return back to me. No dice. I’ve struggled with happiness thinking it was something to find outside of myself. But what I’ve really learned is happiness comes from within when you are living your authentic true self, following your passions and being filled with gratitude. I am not always doing this. All my crutches that I’ve used to block out the truth are poison and I need to release them. Anything I have told myself to deceive my truth was pulled out from some foggy files of my youth. I felt like I had things figured out but it is what I didn’t want to see which makes it so dangerous. The good feelings of love, joy and happiness elude me and control and fear replaced them Continue reading

After Thought

I wrote 2 very serious and painful blogs that I left in draft. I’m going to delete them. I’ve mentioned that we have patterns and stories we tell ourselves. In those blogs I wrote of my pain and how my expectations were once again thrown down to the very bottom. I felt so hurt over some actions that I felt winded from the gut shot. I couldn’t post it. I felt that I was throwing someone under the bus and it wasn’t worth it. The next day, still in pain, I wrote another one. It was similar but I was starting to come out of my pain coma and started to see a bit clearly. I articulated myself nicely and couldn’t post that one either. Continue reading

The Stories We Tell

Ego – is a false sense of self as shared by Eckhart Tolle. I’ll paraphrase Oprah to acknowledge the ego definition that “nothing, no material item, no position in life, no status, no job, no thing has ever defined who you are.

But, I still fall for it.

The ego comes out of me when I so believe that something is unfair. The need to be right. The need to explain myself to show that this is right. The need to defend myself when someone says I’m wrong. It is when I watch people in power, not just in politics but even in my small community, take advantage of their position to make life better for themselves. They think only of themselves and somehow seem to have and take every advantage. Even in my belief that their ethics are wrong they somehow prove that they are wealthier and more often than not stuff works out for them. I get caught up in that whirlwind that is “so unfair.” That is ego. Oprah tells me that when something happens that is hard that I have to ask “what’s the lesson?” Continue reading

Battle of the Warrior

I have spent a lot of time working on my spiritual life. I started to pick up on my physical self. I work on my mental health. Mind body spirit has been an important part of my existence. But, I am faced with other’s struggles and with those three things I am at a loss on how to help.

There’s been a lot going on to people around me. Their pain is palpable. My help seems futile. I struggle with doing enough for them, moving ahead with my own life and trying not to implode from my lack. I know that their pain and suffering is not mine but when I reflect during this time it hurts me too. I in no way understand what it is like to have cancer nor have the treatments or be vulnerable to the health system. Continue reading

Note to Self

I always used to use that expression, “note to self” when I wanted to remember something. I haven’t used it in a long time and it came to me when I was thinking that I have had a lot of little things come up and felt they were important and didn’t want to forget. Here goes…

Note to Self:

I want to remember that all that has happened was to propel me forward. Even in the darkest times, my biggest failures, my rock bottoms, bad choices and shame happened to me for a Divine reason. At the time, I was in despair, but retrospect has changed me beyond what was possible if only I had good times going on in my life. If you were asked what situation has defined you; the reply would never be the trip to Hawaii it would always be the parts of life that has shaken you up. Continue reading

The “Real” Reality Show

Reality. It is such a stark contrast to imagination. The truth compared to story telling. It bares all and I have to look at it. It sucks. Sigh, accept it, but quickly I turn to the story telling part of my brain that wants to make everything okay. But, awareness keeps on teaching me that it isn’t real. The truth is the real deal. No sugar coating, justifying, finger pointing will make the truth any less real. Continue reading

A Prison I Made

Here it begins.

Debbie Ford isn’t with us anymore. But, her work on our shadow self is just as needed. I have studied it in the past, but the one thing I learned is that if you open the door and take a peak that you will get a good taste of what is there. Most of us want to slam the door and go back into denial. I do too. But, each time I look it seems that I get a little closer to the truth.  Continue reading

Reflection Noticed

I have nearly always tried to protect myself from the energy of the room. I read the quote recently and I do not make that attempt to influence an entire room. I typically expect that when I head to certain “rooms” that I will be faced with difficult people and just try to get out unscathed. I never considered the possibility, but I think that this is what my life is trying to show me… the potential possibilities of who I am. Continue reading