Being a human with a soul is truly a struggle. The confines of our body. The societal pressures to be “normal”. The fears that wreak havoc on our mind keeping us small and unassuming. Getting too comfortable. Confusing to follow your dreams and loving life if you have no followers. The need to document on Snapchat, Instagram or YouTube but never the true self just a well manicured image. We want to be loved and accepted. But, everything we do proves that we don’t. We are scared to be real because it may lead us away to the unknown. This is scary and different. Who do you think you are? You think you’re better then us? People don’t support you they try to bring you down to their level. Continue reading
I have a split personality. I have the awareness, spiritual side. That side of my parenting and me as a woman in the world is very calm and peaceful. When she is strongly connected in spirit, surrounded by nature and in harmony she does offer the best advice. She sees her children as these souls experiencing life. She wants them to see themselves as they are and being ok with all of it.
The other side is the ego. It holds the fears. It shows itself mostly with anger, but it has sneaky ways too when I get a great idea and then quickly my brain tells me how I shouldn’t do that. I pass it off as no big deal, but in awareness I realize that was my fears at play. The ego yells at my kids and snots off the lady at the grocery store. It is the reactive place when I am not conscious.
The awareness is starting to be there more and more. Even if the ego starts its rant the awareness kicks in and stops me. I am working on this in my parenting of my children. I am trying to keep it in the forefront that each of my children are individuals and have a purpose here. I cannot impose my dreams on them. I have seen it already in many things. My kids all show athleticism in sports they try. I did too. But, wasn’t allowed the opportunity until I was older to join sport activities. I sent them off to soccer, volleyball, basketball and hockey. There has always been a small voice that says if you did all the training and took them into the elite levels they will make it. Then, the spirit asks is that what they want, or is it what I had wished for? I have to breathe. Is it my dream for them, or their own?
Is success for them based on my expectations?
It truly is the hardest thing to not force confirmation on them. To just allow them to be there and speak to them when I am in my awareness. I was upset with my daughter the other day because of a website she was on. I yelled at first, but soon realized, no that is not what I want to convey here. I immediately calmed my tone and told her the concern and that I wanted her to understand the stranger on the other side of the computer. Underneath all of that I told her, if you are lonely then lets make plans with your friends, or let’s watch the movie you wanted me to watch with you. I want you to focus your connection with real people and not think that connection will come from strangers. We watched the movie. When I spoke to her in the calm voice and tried to see what the real deal was she said to me, I love you. I know that’s her way of saying thank you for seeing me.
I want to help pave the road and open doors for them. But, I want them to choose if it is the road for them or the door to go through. I want them choosing in their awareness. I want them to remember that they’ve had the power all along and not to let them forget that the awareness is what they were born with. We, as a society, put the limitations and the children forget who they truly are to be. We must let them remember.
Never have I felt so shaken to the core of who I think I am and who actually exists. I carry such an appearance of having it together and I don’t. My human self tricks itself into believing that if I don’t say what’s going on then no one knows any different that life appears perfect. But there’s chaos under the calm water. I have looked at myself and in this awareness I am messed up. I have been everything that I don’t like in others…the victim, the blamer, the justifier, etc.
It has hit me earlier this month when I complained about a good thing that happened in my life, but it came to me in man-drama style which annoyed me. So every time I saw this good thing I felt mad about this good fortune and then eventually it cost me. It cost me more. And I had the instant realization that I caused it. I wanted my good stuff to happen only a certain way. And when it didn’t I chose to get caught up in the anger I felt. The anger and blame made me forget about what an amazing gift it was. Why did I get so blind?
And then it started coming to me that I am very guilty of silently creating my life-drama situations. They say if your thoughts predict your future then I would agree it’s true in my case.
In reflection of my life, I have created such chaos in times when I should have been very honest. If I had been truthful then I wouldn’t have to pretend to have it all together. I could have lived in a difficult time but it would have been real. And being real feels better then the lie.
The weight lifts off of you.
If I had said out loud my issues when it was happening it could have been dealt with. If I had once reminded myself that how another behaved wasn’t about me then I could have had peace.
The truth will set you free. I’m still tied up in my chains but they are slowly loosening and breaking apart. The less I resist them the more I realize they never had the power I thought they did.
There’s a lot I hate about the detox. I hate the smoothies. I hate taking baths and you are supposed to do the detox bath. I miss coffee. A lot. But, there has been some interesting changes.
Day 1: smoothie from hell. It had mint and lime in it so my mind wandered to a mojito, but with kale it was more like scum on a pond. So gross. I had my excellent salad with protein and good fats. I was good at work. I missed coffee but I drank green tea with ginger and it helped me feel like I was having something. I had my supper and then went to a soccer windup filled with hotdogs, cookies and ice cream. I had none of it. I felt pretty good and thought I can do this….
Day 2: smoothie was better, made a different kind, so that helped. I felt really weak and shaky when I first woke up. This day proved to be the detox day. I felt ill. I was so exhausted. The book says to feel better about it because it means it’s working. I couldn’t keep my eyes open but had a fitful sleep. I really had concerns if this was the best choice for me.
Day3: gagged down another smoothie. I still felt weak and shaky in the morning. But, overall it was more tolerable at work. I had made the cauliflower soup, but again texture is important to me. It reminded me of the smoothie. It was like baby food. I made supper later and went for a run. I felt I had some energy back and was able to get some stuff done.
Overall I have learned some things about myself. I hate food that reminds me of baby food. I like chewing. I realized how much I relied on coffee to keep me awake. I went to sleep earlier. I am a snacker. I can eat fairly well in meals, but I like grabbing of few of these and a few of these. I like sweet foods too. I miss eating my apple at work. I miss cheese. But, I have lost 5 pounds so far. It seems crazy. I have been exercising every day. Day 2 exercise was a walk because I felt so crappy, but by Day 3 I felt better.
It is Day 4 and I am going camping. I will stick to it as best as possible. I am packing healthy food and since there’s no power on site then I may have to forgo the smoothies for a chewable version of them. So excited for that. But, I think it is possible.
#detox 6.5 days to go
My friend said, “I think you should do the 10 Day Detox with me!” My first thought was no. But, ego is always saying no to these changes, so I said yes. I bought the book, but the more I read the less I was feeling great about it. I told her I am starting tomorrow. I said if I read the whole book I will not want to do this. I will follow the 10 days. I will read the book as I go. I got it on the Kobo reader so I won’t eat the pages of a real book.
The Blood Sugar Solution. 10-Day Detox Diet by Mark Hyman, M.D. is the book that I got.It says things like no sugar, no coffee, no alcohol, no dairy, no gluten and no fun. I said the last time that I was non-drinking was like from 0-14 years of age. So, I figured I can do no alcohol for 10 days at 40. Cross fingers. The part I have the most trouble with is coffee. I am going to miss that the most. It explains what sugar does in the body and how certain food causes inflammation. It makes a lot of sense. And then the fear kicks in. The ego telling me that oh big deal, you aren’t going to die tomorrow. Why do you have to do this? It will take forever to prepare the food. But, a small voice tells me it is just 10 days. I got this. It will be ok. There is lots of veggies to eat. I won’t be hungry. The worst part will be the first couple days and the best part will be the results.
I am going to do the poor man’s version of this 10 day detox. I don’t want to buy all the stuff that he says, and I have stuff in my garden that will be great to work with too. I looked over the meal plans and feel that I can do them, or a version of them and follow the recommendations. I am not a fan of smoothies, but I will give them a try. I like chewing my food and smoothies in the morning are usually gag worthy. But, I’ll put an umbrella in it and call it festive. I will try some of the meals, but will have to do some basic meals for lunch at work.
But, the tricky part is there is questions. So, here’s my attempt to answer them.
Why? Why am I doing this detox? I need a change. I love baked goods. I love coffee. I like a glass of wine. I am not over the top, but I also am not doing my body any favors.
What do I hope for? I hope to see a change after the 10 days. I hope I feel amazing. I hope I can raise my vibration to my Higher Self.
What are 3 specific goals? To work out every day for the 10 days. To not feel hungry by the end of 10 days. I hope to shrink some belly fat.
What are the top 3 things that hold me back from losing weight? busy life, motivation, sugar love
What beliefs do I have that might be holding me back? I do not have the time.
What is my relationship with food and how would I like to nourish myself? I enjoy food a lot. I have learned to equate it with how to love others. And I’d like it if my nourishment came from a spiritual place and not the fridge.
How does being overweight diminish my happiness and from my ability to fulfill my life’s purpose? If you eat unhealthy food you can’t connect with your Higher Self as easily. You need to eat purely to make your body as receptive. I’d like to see if this can happen. Overall, I’m not unhappy, but I know I can feel better and that my body is capable of more.
What positive experiences have I had in the past that resulted from eating well and practicing self-care and nurturing? I felt strong and powerful. I felt that I could do what I set my mind to do.
I won’t lie. I think an angrier version of myself will emerge the first few days. The one that is ticked about no coffee and lack of food. But, I will keep pushing and count down the days. The hope is that after 10 days I will see the difference and want to continue with the awareness of my food and my Self. I will keep you in the loop.
I had a teacher back in junior and senior high that still makes me feel annoyed after this many years. I see him once in awhile and he knows not to make small talk with me. He tried once after high school and I told him to never speak to me. And, in all our years of dealing with each other he has honored that request.
I bring him up and am going to use him in this story, but “he” will actually be many people that did very similar things to me that made a negative impact in my life. I don’t want to paint teachers in a bad way, because I had amazing ones too. I had adults in my life that made a difference. This time I have to face an aspect of it and try to explain it to you.
I entered his classroom in Grade 7. It didn’t take long and he told me that I chewed gum like a cow. We entered this battle ground for the next 6 years. Him telling me I was a shitty student and me telling him no I’m not. But, he had me over a barrel all those years. He graded me unfairly. I know, oh maybe you weren’t such a great student, but truthfully his classes were my worst. It sent me over the top when he wrote on my essay that it was written well, but he didn’t think I understood what I wrote. Nice. He gave me a 35%. If you didn’t get his poetic whit, he thought I cheated. If I approached his desk he would ask what are your idiotic friends up to behind you. So, I would move to the side and ask him the same question. He’d tell me to go sit down. A boy would break apart a computer disk (yes, I’m that old) and throw the pieces at me. I had plastic hanging in my hair. I finally turned around and said stop it. He kicked me out of class. I got a high mark on a multiple choice and he asked if I cheated in front of the class. There was only this one teacher teaching these particular subjects and there wasn’t choice in anyone else or going to a different school.
But, what my point is….. he worked hard on making me feel bad about who I was. Parts of me did not believe him, but there was a part that swallowed it. I had to eat it when I went to the principal and said he marks me unfairly. The principal said I can’t get involved with marks. I was told I wasn’t any good at writing. I dreamed of writing a novel. I loved poetry. I was told I was a fool. I still wrote.
The part that happened that has crippled me is that yes, I did keep writing. I kept writing for me, but those words didn’t leave that place. I fought a lot of what was said to me during high school and all through my life, but I realized that I believed some of it. I was told I was average. I was told I wasn’t good enough. I was told because I was a girl that I didn’t have to aspire to be much. I wasn’t pretty enough. As my issues grew, I didn’t get down on myself, but I did accept it. I accepted that I wasn’t pretty or special. I wouldn’t accept praise because I’d tell a joke and blow it off. I learned to be ok in my place where society had put me, but the fucking genius part of the whole thing was that I didn’t for the longest time really understood that I HAD FUCKING ACCEPTED IT! I deep down accepted that I was nothing. So, I thought I’d protect myself by keeping to myself. That my friends is a downright mother effing lie to yourself. It caused me pain. Pain that has met me at 40 years old. After this many years when the real pain of it is so long gone I am still immobilized by the fear it created. It created that I was scared of what people thought of me. I feared to risk to put myself out there in case of rejection.
I am not who he said I was. I know now that how people act is not about me, but it speaks volumes of them. I think now about that teacher and I think he had most likely started out with aspirations of doing well with his teaching career. He probably felt he would make a difference to most of the children. I bet in all those 6 years he had me in his class he would have never come to the conclusion that I was one of them. He didn’t nurture me. He didn’t praise nor care about how I turned out. I think he kept me at a passing grade to make sure I moved on year after year. But, his actions now has taught me something so valuable that had high school been but a hop skip and jump I wouldn’t have learned it. I allowed how he treated me to become my voice in my head. He spoke poorly of me and I resisted. But, a small part of me accepted it too. I heard it over the years not just from him, but from family, friends, neighbors, adults and my peers. To everyone else: something was always wrong with me. So, I tried speaking out and got shut down. I hid myself and that caused me pain because though I chose it I still felt rejected by the world. No one noticed I wasn’t around. I started stepping out and big things started to change.
I am on this soulful journey so I have been working on awareness. I meditate. I self-heal. I stay present. All my work has come to a huge head with this area that I had to consider was their truth in the quote as it suggests…Was I willing to stay comfortable and content staying broken? I have had the biggest upheaval with this state of being. In awareness, it seems once you know the truth you can’t pretend you don’t know. It causes the worst kind of pain to pretend to be blind. You can always still see the TRUTH.
We hear all the quotes and phrases that say when you fear it do it anyways. But, I am telling you that I really must do this. I must push past all the broken thoughts I have on being me out there in the big wide world. The world that has social media dill hole’s ready to tear me apart. It has the opposite too; the people that will like what I have to say and want more. In the end, if I can’t keep thriving then my life will run down a path of little resistance. It will stay easy and comfortable. When asked is this all I am really meant to do? The answer is no. I know it is not.
I am more than what they say I am. I am more wise. I have such a gift that is so undeniably special and I am ready to keep releasing it out. I am real. I am true. I am more then what they say I am.
Life’s changing people!!
My son is a sweet boy. He’s mine so of course I love him to pieces. But, as I would tell you about any of my children I love them for all their “stuff”. I love their victories. I love good grades. I love when they score. I love their hugs. I love their humor. But, I love their faults. I secretly love their snide remarks (still punishable, but somehow courageous). I love them pushing the boundaries and getting the rude awakening of being put back into place. I love when they have to get through a hard lesson. I love what others call a weakness, because I know it is to be their greatest strength with a bit or lots of perseverance they can overcome. Hockey for my boy has done all these things and more. Overcoming your fears is the greatest lesson that I could teach and for any one of us to learn.
My girls have their activities picked out right away. I wanted my son to try a sport during the winter months. So, I tried to point him in every direction except hockey. I had grown up playing baseball as a kid. Hockey has a heartbeat all its own in this area. The families live and breathe it and are unavailable during most weekends through the season. Weekends are so sacred to me that even I had a difficult task of allowing that to be given up for a sport that I didn’t feel any ties to. I offered him taekwondo. I said he could break a board. He would learn to kick his sister’s butts. He said, “Mom, I don’t like them very much but I don’t want to hurt them.” I was joking, I told him. But, it didn’t change it for him.
He told me he would play soccer, but all we have locally is an outdoor season and it isn’t until the spring. I said that isn’t going to work since as soon as you hear the purr of the tractor you’ll drop soccer leaving me to try to get my money back.
I had a bit of hockey equipment sitting in the shed but as September had started I wasn’t mentioning it except in light whispers and when he was asleep. The season had begun. I was resisting to ask him about it, but one afternoon I had asked him again.
“What do you want to do?”
He said, “I’d play hockey or soccer.”
“Why hockey?” Turning away so not to show my shocked face.
“Because my friends play it.”
Huh. So, I said ok. I went out the next day and bought the next few pieces we needed. I brought them home and told him ok, we will put you in hockey. He freaked out. He screamed no. I’m not doing that. They will laugh at me. And for reasons unknown to me I spent the time to calmly convince him to try at least once. He tried on the equipment and ran around the house like he was a Transformer.
The night of practice rolled around and he fought it. He didn’t want to go and told me all his fears of why it wasn’t a good idea for him. For a seven year old he was very articulate. I paused for a moment and thought I don’t want to go either. But, with a sigh, I told him I will help you get dressed, I will watch you participate and you need to try at least once. He got his coat and boots on and drove to the arena. I talked about how everyone feels nervous the first time. I told him just try your best and that every time you go you will get better and better. I told him stories of his sister’s trying things and feeling nervous too. He nodded and listened and only asked that I stay at the arena and watch.
He went out on the ice. He fell countless times. Parents were coming and going through the arena teasing me about being a hockey mom. I was honest and said I am not happy about it. I watched my kid be told by the coaches on what drill was next, or waited for him to skate over to join the other kids since he was always last. I couldn’t hear what they had to say and with my son’s helmet on I had no clue what his face would reveal about how he was feeling.
Time was up and practice was officially over. I headed downstairs to the dressing room. He saw me and waited for me to approach and said, I’m so proud of myself. And in that moment all my hating of hockey and being the hockey mom broke away. I was taken to the most primitive place of love and admiration. My boy was to be forever changed by this moment. He liked it, but as his mom I knew that most blessed part of this whole thing was that his voice inside was now full of courage. I can do it. If I practice I can get better at it. If I work hard and listen to the coaches I will get better. And, if I try new things that it can be mastered.
He has learned a lot and I’m sure some of that is the game of hockey, but for me he has learned a lot about life. He’s had coaches and kids on the team say things to him which he questions and we talk about it. He can roll with the punches and find that voice inside that says I got this and I’m ok. Hockey is just the sport that has taught him some things on this path and in truth it could have been another sport had we lived in another area that offered more choices, but now I wouldn’t change it. It was growth for me too. I was nervous about it as well, but it is what we make of it.
My want for my kids will always be success, but I know the difficulties will be the most pivotal changes to be overcome. His success with hockey is not mine. It is his. If this goes any further to him it will be great, but to me, my goal is not trying to get him advanced at the game, but to use the tools presented in his life to shape him into an adult so that he knows how to overcome problems and can handle new things that will enter his life again and again. In that, I am grateful.
Dedicated to R.B. and of course to my Bubby.
What if I confused fear with excitement? It is a question that when I heard it the first time I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Ummm, no I think that’s fear. Just so you are not confused, this is not the fear that you feel in a back alley with someone standing in the shadows about to pounce. No. This is when you have a dream or goal and you suddenly find a million excuses and all the things that could go wrong so that you don’t even start. That part is the fear. You should be excited. You should be able to start making plans and make the steps to fulfill your goal. It could be quick or take a long time, but there would be joy and passion behind it. But, that excitement quickly turns to fear. Continue reading
Curiosity has brought me here. I entered 2016 saying that I would get back into the blogging world. I have such interesting things that rattle around in my cerebral cortex, but when I have a moment it seems the great idea has passed. It may explain the several posts that are saved into draft. I went to a chakra workshop today and it dawned on me after that I had a great idea that my phone could write some notes for me and so I commanded my British male Siri to dictate for me. He did and very eloquently I might add. So, finally I had my ideas to then have for this post.
As for my story, I received an email about this chakra workshop and immediately replied back to my yoga studio that yes, I will go. I honestly did not read much about what it was about, but just the date and what I should bring. My goal is to try something new when the opportunity arises. I went there with no expectations except a curiosity for chakra knowledge and an open mind. Continue reading
Do you ever have that feeling that someone is trying to bring you down? It is subtle stuff not blatant disregard, but just small little shitty things that they do. I believe that it is passive aggressiveness which is Pet Peeve #1. A close second, which this person also does is Pet Peeve #2 – condescension. I feel like I’m being corrected and looked down upon.
I get it. I choose to be bothered. I am a bit bothered, but then after a brief pep talk with my human and spiritual self I come to realize that it is their choice. They choose to leave me out for any number of reasons, which could be they don’t like me, lack of respect, unorganized, or jealousy. The spiritual side of me reminds me that I do not know the reasons behind their actions, but what I do with them is about me, and leaves a mark on my soul. And, me feeling angry about it is really no better then their actions.
Condescension – hate it. I despise it because when someone is the same age as you and then talk down to you because you aren’t educated enough, don’t do it right and for whatever stupid reasons they feel they need to correct you about drives me to drink and violent punching thoughts. 😉 No, not really. Okay, at least a glass of wine. Spirit steps in and reminds me that I have most likely done this to others as well. Again, am I these things? Am I uneducated? No. Am I doing what’s right? Yes, for me. Do I need to be corrected? No, but in some situations maybe I do.
Is my purpose for the greater good? Yes. I should keep the awareness of my purpose and then how others are acting is like watching a puppet show, amusing but I don’t need to participate. Because, if my purpose is still to help others then I can’t lose focus on that gift that I could be giving to others rather then wrapped up in their crap. But, my question for you is, if someone is rude to you in a subtle way and continues to do this because of your lack of reaction, does this make you appear stupid or resilient?