The Tale of a Perfect Wannabe Mother

I caught myself doing it again. I blog about stuff, but I try to not show you the real juicy stuff. I graze over my troubles with a dismissive hand gesture. Like no big deal, we all go through it, and then I move onto how I overcame my battle. Ughhhhh. Continue reading

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Dear Spirits – Shooting Stars

Truthful blog means that you can’t lie. I did not see any shooting stars besides a bit of fire works but it was Canada Day here. So, I asked what can I write about in this post. I remembered the time I really did see a shooting star and felt that was the story to share with you.

As I was growing up my mom travelled a few times to visit her brothers in Toronto. Her one brother in particular she would stay with and would have such a great time with him and his wife. We never got to go on those flights. But, one time for a wedding we drove through the United States and came up around to Toronto. I got to meet my Aunt Julia. She was a spitfire of a woman. She would tell it like it is. She would feed you until you literally closed your eyes and your mouth. My mom thought the world of her.

I later travelled to Toronto on my own to spend some time visiting with my mom’s side of the family. I got to know them, but it isn’t easy. I don’t speak Polish and for some of them they don’t speak English. But, we still seem to communicate. I know enough words and can understand more then I can speak, so it works out.

We received an invitation to a 50th anniversary for my aunt and uncle. I told my husband we should go with the girls. We will make it a trip and go to this anniversary. We did. My aunt and her friends partied more then the young people. We went back to their home. My uncle was back not long after, but his wife was still dancing and drinking. We laughed because he lovingly mocked her dancing around and then swatted his hand and shook his head.

It was many years later and she passed away quite suddenly. I couldn’t fly out. We had some flowers sent. It was winter time and it was the day of the funeral. I was in our basement adding more wood to the fire. We have a wood room so there is plenty of wood packed in the house. I had thought of her many times through the day. I knew her family was grieving her loss. She was so much fun and so vibrant. But, for whatever reason I got this urge to open the basement door to the outside. I did. I looked at the starry sky and a shooting star passed just at that moment. Her name passed through my mind and I burst into tears. There she was. I closed the door and wept.

Thank you for the reminder of that story. She was a great lady and I am so glad she had this big life. She was that shooting star that night.

War On Chores

I’m at war. I slick my hair in a ponytail for efficiency plus the grease from not washing it helps hold it in place. My battle begins like every other day. I expect the people I love to lend a helping hand or give me a few kind words of support. It doesn’t happen. It instead gets ugly. Continue reading

Mommy Monk

Do you know hard it is to write the truth of your self to the couple people that read this? Extremely difficult. It is one of the reasons I can’t seem to post that often. I have a lot saved in draft but not published. Why? I’m scared. I am so worried that I am going to say the wrong thing. Or it is the right thing and then more is expected.But, it will be my truth. But, you may not agree with me or you will. You may think I’m crazy. I may start to doubt that thought and then I save it in draft and crisis is adverted.

I promised this blog of madness to be honest. I felt that I wanted it to be humorous and spiritual. I am a funny person. I find though that being funny and talking about spiritual things can seem counter productive. But, it seems to me that if I had instead become a monk and done the spiritual side only, then I know I would have longed to be free from that silence. I instead chose a life with a husband and children and in the depths of what many call a normal part of life. But, try as I might to be in awareness of life and have the stresses also has been challenging for the most part.

So, to break up this sometimes awkward feeling I have to tell you the truth of my struggles:

I meditate most mornings. I get up earlier to do this. So, most mornings I can get my mediation in and have a coffee and if the weather is great then I’ll go out on the deck and love the nature before its go time. But, occasionally my husband gets up a little after I do. I have my eyes closed and my headphones on. I am still, silent and present. Then a finger pokes me in the face.

I have read the most mind blowing book, or listened to a podcast that made me want to be a better person starting right now. I am basking in the light of my new found wondrous light and this euphoric state of being and then BANG! A door slams. Muffled argument in the bathroom downstairs between my daughters because one was looking at the other and not staying on their side of the sinks. I yell downstairs “Knock it off you two, or you’ll be sharing a room again!!”

I want to write this blog. My son sits on my lap for a hug. He starts to ask me what I’m doing. He starts to read what I’m writing. He says dad is so funny. He poked you in the face. Oh yes, really funny. He shakes his head about his sisters. He asks, are you trying to write more. I said yes. So, I write….. You need to wash your hands. They are dirty. You are rubbing your eyes with dirty hands. Your eyes are dirty. Please go wash them. You are making mommy dirty. He giggles and says I can’t walk anymore. My legs are broken. Of course they are.

Enlightenment at its finest.

 

Dear Mom – Butterflies

I am still living in a bit of a harsh climate. There is not a lot of bug activity mostly because the temps are sitting around freezing. But, I knew you would think of something. So, I asked for you to show me butterflies in any means possible.

I then came home from work and I do not watch much TV. But, I did pause at the TV because my husband had on Three’s Company which I haven’t seen in some time. I laughed because there was so much sexual innuendo in that show and always a mix up with the room mates. This episode was Terry thought Jack was going to give a woman love lessons, but oops it was cooking lessons. Laughter ensues. In the apartment there is the big butterfly on the wall in the background. It caught my eye and I smiled. I don’t believe there is any coincidences. Continue reading

Dear Mom – Pets

Oh mom, I think I jinxed myself with this one. I got the sign Pets and thought oh great, I never see animals and rarely my own dog. I work in an office all day. The weather was cold and it gets dark early. I wasn’t feeling it. And that is what ruined this one for me.

My dog acted super calm which was unusual but not really anything exciting. The kids said nothing about animals or wanting a pet or anything related to pets. I saw nothing strange with animals or strange behaviors.

The only saving grace was that my friend texted me several times saying her dog was barking at things that weren’t there. Barking into the house when no one was home. She acted unusual and my friend told me about it. It would make sense to do that to a person who is among animals all day unlike myself.

Thank you mom for everything. I think I was distracted with the noise of my human self. I’m over it now and am looking forward to the next one.

Dear Mom Letter 2

Mom, I’m sure you were around after your death. Did you hear me talking with Dad? I struggled so much in my own pain that it was hard to deal with his. He was looking to get remarried less then a year later and I was trying to rebuild. As I sit here now I wonder about you then. Were you hoping he would move on and find love again? Did that feel ok to you? It didn’t feel good to me at the time. I remember telling him that he could replace a wife but I could not replace a mother. We cried in your bedroom many times. It was in those sessions of our despair that we formed a bond, dad and I. Your death made us pool together and talk like we have never done before. Continue reading

Hockey Lesson

My son is a sweet boy. He’s mine so of course I love him to pieces. But, as I would tell you about any of my children I love them for all their “stuff”. I love their victories. I love good grades. I love when they score. I love their hugs. I love their humor. But, I love their faults. I secretly love their snide remarks (still punishable, but somehow courageous). I love them pushing the boundaries and getting the rude awakening of being put back into place. I love when they have to get through a hard lesson. I love what others call a weakness, because I know it is to be their greatest strength with a bit or lots of perseverance they can overcome. Hockey for my boy has done all these things and more. Overcoming your fears is the greatest lesson that I could teach and for any one of us to learn.

My girls have their activities picked out right away. I wanted my son to try a sport during the winter months. So, I tried to point him in every direction except hockey. I had grown up playing baseball as a kid. Hockey has a heartbeat all its own in this area. The families live and breathe it and are unavailable during most weekends through the season. Weekends are so sacred to me that even I had a difficult task of allowing that to be given up for a sport that I didn’t feel any ties to. I offered him taekwondo. I said he could break a board. He would learn to kick his sister’s butts. He said, “Mom, I don’t like them very much but I don’t want to hurt them.” I was joking, I told him. But, it didn’t change it for him.

He told me he would play soccer, but all we have locally is an outdoor season and it isn’t until the spring. I said that isn’t going to work since as soon as you hear the purr of the tractor you’ll drop soccer leaving me to try to get my money back.

I had a bit of hockey equipment sitting in the shed but as September had started I wasn’t mentioning it except in light whispers and when he was asleep. The season had begun. I was resisting to ask him about it, but one afternoon I had asked him again.

“What do you want to do?”

He said, “I’d play hockey or soccer.”

“Why hockey?” Turning away so not to show my shocked face.

“Because my friends play it.”

Huh. So, I said ok. I went out the next day and bought the next few pieces we needed. I brought them home and told him ok, we will put you in hockey. He freaked out. He screamed no. I’m not doing that. They will laugh at me. And for reasons unknown to me I spent the time to calmly convince him to try at least once. He tried on the equipment and ran around the house like he was a Transformer.

The night of practice rolled around and he fought it. He didn’t want to go and told me all his fears of why it wasn’t a good idea for him. For a seven year old he was very articulate. I paused for a moment and thought I don’t want to go either. But, with a sigh, I told him I will help you get dressed, I will watch you participate and you need to try at least once. He got his coat and boots on and drove to the arena. I talked about how everyone feels nervous the first time. I told him just try your best and that every time you go you will get better and better. I told him stories of his sister’s trying things and feeling nervous too. He nodded and listened and only asked that I stay at the arena and watch.

He went out on the ice. He fell countless times. Parents were coming and going through the arena teasing me about being a hockey mom. I was honest and said I am not happy about it. I watched my kid be told by the coaches on what drill was next, or waited for him to skate over to join the other kids since he was always last. I couldn’t hear what they had to say and with my son’s helmet on I had no clue what his face would reveal about how he was feeling.

Time was up and practice was officially over. I headed downstairs to the dressing room. He saw me and waited for me to approach and said, I’m so proud of myself. And in that moment all my hating of hockey and being the hockey mom broke away. I was taken to the most primitive place of love and admiration. My boy was to be forever changed by this moment. He liked it, but as his mom I knew that most blessed part of this whole thing was that his voice inside was now full of courage. I can do it. If I practice I can get better at it. If I work hard and listen to the coaches I will get better. And, if I try new things that it can be mastered.

He has learned a lot and I’m sure some of that is the game of hockey, but for me he has learned a lot about life. He’s had coaches and kids on the team say things to him which he questions and we talk about it. He can roll with the punches and find that voice inside that says I got this and I’m ok. Hockey is just the sport that has taught him some things on this path and in truth it could have been another sport had we lived in another area that offered more choices, but now I wouldn’t change it. It was growth for me too. I was nervous about it as well, but it is what we make of it.

My want for my kids will always be success, but I know the difficulties will be the most pivotal changes to be overcome. His success with hockey is not mine. It is his. If this goes any further to him it will be great, but to me, my goal is not trying to get him advanced at the game, but to use the tools presented in his life to shape him into an adult so that he knows how to overcome problems and can handle new things that will enter his life again and again. In that, I am grateful.

Dedicated to R.B. and of course to my Bubby.

My Prayers Have Been Answered?

Evan Almighty. This movie came on TV and I thought the kids might like it so we watched it together. I told them the story about Noah’s ark and how the animals came 2 by 2 so that they might get the gist what the heck this was all about. The movie is ok, but I heard something in the movie that Morgan Freeman said as the God character in the movie. I mean who else could play God in a movie, Alanis Morissette? Oh that’s right, she did too. I found that this quote brought me a greater awareness in my life. It was this:

God : Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feeling, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

It is like that isn’t it? If I pray to have more patience and it is not patience I am given. I will be given an opportunity to wait. I will have free will and choice on how to handle that time. I could definately be impatient. I could tap my foot and throw a fit. Or, I could have a small spark of thought that shows me this is my moment to sit in peace.

I tell my friend that sometimes when you get stuck in the long line at the grocery store that maybe the universe is saving you from something else that you are unaware of that is happening outside of your knowledge. What if having patience in that moment in line helps to avoid a strange circumstance? It gives you a moment to acknowledge the people around you. It gives you a few moments of breath work. Deep breathing to clear your thoughts. You have now shown patience in a time when normally you’d have been annoyed the whole time and taken it out with your negative energy around you.

It starts with you. I have prayed for peace and have realized that it has been in opportunities that I haven’t reacted the same way that I have before. I have watched the words escaping my lips more consciously where in fact they don’t escape, but are chosen. I have said no when my heart does not desire what has been asked. I have accepted that I need to look at my self to make the choices that are right for me.

What does it all mean? Well, if you want to create family bonding time you build an ark and have a flood and then crash into the Whitehouse. Simple. Right?