Realities of Self-Isolstion

Yesterday has been my most stressful day on record for me from the Covid-19 effect. It was stressful because I am still working out of the home and have 3 children trying to do online school. The youngest one Facetimed me many times trying to get help with a math worksheets. I had to tell him to stop and move on. But, the problem is that he is not the type of kid that this situation is working. He needs the connection with his teachers and other students. He has a hard time asking for help on a good day and now I had to come home and force him to ask for help on a question and email a teacher. I came home from work to then spend the rest of the evening helping him catch up so that his workload tomorrow is less.

I had tried to lay down the law and my oldest child would be warden this week. I said to get up earlier and get your work done first then fun stuff after. It backfired in some ways. They are more annoyed and wait for me to help finish projects or work but since I’m not there I don’t realize their plan until I’m home.

I want to say that I understand it is new for the teachers and for the children. I feel like I shouldn’t complain and that there is worse things. But, this is my pain. It is my stress. I hit a wall yesterday with trying to work, getting Facetimes I couldn’t answer, taking the calls on my lunch break and then going over my lunch break with my son to then stay late at work to make up for the time. Later, I felt resentful to come home because I wouldn’t be able to unwind and that it was homework for which proceeded to take up the whole evening. Adding to this, the premier came on the news to add to the sad predictions and state of our economy to just drive more fear into my family. I couldn’t talk about it and I couldn’t listen to it anymore. I changed the channel. I went to sleep as soon as I could to just shut off the day. I feel guilty that I am feeling this way. I am grateful for my life and this won’t last, but it is hard on my heart. We each will face our own pain during this time and all is ok to feel. We are each affected differently in our own lives.

On top of all this, my father is in a senior home. They are on lockdown. The libraries are closed now, but before I would get my father large print books to read. So, I got him a tablet, library membership over the phone and then downloaded the app that connects to the ability to download books from the library. It is awesome and I thought this is going to be great. The one problem is that I handed a device to an 87 year old man with no tech savvy skills. At first, he couldn’t flip a page. His fingers were unable to move anything. His hands are dry from all the sanitizing so I said you need a little lotion. Then next call, I don’t know what happened it all disappeared. Now, it is on the wrong page. I want to throw this tablet across the room. Ok, it’s fixed. The next call, I finished the book now how do I get back to the other books. I told him what to do. It isn’t doing anything. We kept discussing and then he was able to do it. He opened the next book and cheered that it said Chapter 1. I have over the years have had to talk others through programs, computer errors, and tech questions, but nothing could have prepared me for this situation. Hahaha. I fully feel for any tech company that has to try to talk someone with no computer experience through an issue over the phone.  I am lucky that it does seem to be working for him, but I wish I could show him face to face a little more. I know he is safe and is taking it seriously, but I pray he stays healthy.

My kids are up and down. They are muddling through their work. They are sad over the missing social interactions. They took for granted that they had school and people before all of this happened. My son misses this a lot. Then, their parents are gone for work and can’t be the support during this time. Then you feel the mom-guilt for resenting the long days this creates for myself.

I really contemplated blogging about this because I know why we are doing this and preventing illness but at the same time it is my truth of my situation. I write my truth on my journey. It is hard sometimes and other times I am so thankful and blessed. We have our jobs right now. We have food. We are healthy and the people we love are healthy right now too. But, my stresses are just as real as anyone else who acknowledges their own feelings.

I remind myself, day by day. We are in this together. The world is still a beautiful place. It won’t last forever. We will never forget and will not take for granted our family and friends we value most.

Be kind.

Decade in Review

It’s a New Year. I refuse to do a resolution. January 1st doesn’t start my time to change. I do hope that I can keep up with moving more, eating healthy and being more social. I bought a rowing machine (yay me). I have been out snowshoeing and even organized a bunch of ladies to come out to enjoy the trail. I did a quick snowshoe last night before it got dark. I like it since it is fresh air and enjoying what I can of winter.

I thought I would review the decade. I saw that there was this feed on Twitter on people doing the highlights of all their major successes which is great, but doesn’t feel real. If you never really look at it all then it seems to defeat the purpose of how things changed. 10 years ago in 2010 I was 34. I had all my kids. We were married for 10 years and we’re living in a 3 bedroom mobile home for a family of 5. Oldest child would have almost 8, the middle was 6 years old and the youngest was 18 months old. Yikes. Remembering that reminds me that I found that time hard. I worked a bit to have my own money. I knew I was done with having anymore children. The older girls were in school. Continue reading

Bad Mom Moments

Your truth is what heals.

Gabrielle Bernstein

I’m a mess lately. I want to be the mom from the family sitcom. In a half hour I have solved a problem and gotten a few laughs. But, life isn’t like that at all. The kids don’t memorize their lines, drama goes on for days at a time and I don’t feel the happy ending at the end of the day. Continue reading

Flawed and Struggling

It has been 6 weeks since my last blog.

It is hard to write anything when you feel shame.

My last blog I stated that I would do some tasks that work on my Self. I did. I went to the local Christmas craft sale and promoted my art and did mini-card readings with chakra testing. I had some business and made some cash. I didn’t sell any art, but it was good just to share it. The more things I do that feel scary and then turn out to be ok makes me feel stronger. Continue reading

Lightbulb Moment

I had an epiphany yesterday driving to the hockey arena. The arena has really wonderful people in it, but also very high-energy, competitive, controlling, manipulative people there too. It got me thinking about all the varied personalities on the way there for the second time that day because of our hockey tournament. Continue reading

Dear Spirits – Shooting Stars

Truthful blog means that you can’t lie. I did not see any shooting stars besides a bit of fire works but it was Canada Day here. So, I asked what can I write about in this post. I remembered the time I really did see a shooting star and felt that was the story to share with you.

As I was growing up my mom travelled a few times to visit her brothers in Toronto. Her one brother in particular she would stay with and would have such a great time with him and his wife. We never got to go on those flights. But, one time for a wedding we drove through the United States and came up around to Toronto. I got to meet my Aunt Julia. She was a spitfire of a woman. She would tell it like it is. She would feed you until you literally closed your eyes and your mouth. My mom thought the world of her.

I later travelled to Toronto on my own to spend some time visiting with my mom’s side of the family. I got to know them, but it isn’t easy. I don’t speak Polish and for some of them they don’t speak English. But, we still seem to communicate. I know enough words and can understand more then I can speak, so it works out.

We received an invitation to a 50th anniversary for my aunt and uncle. I told my husband we should go with the girls. We will make it a trip and go to this anniversary. We did. My aunt and her friends partied more then the young people. We went back to their home. My uncle was back not long after, but his wife was still dancing and drinking. We laughed because he lovingly mocked her dancing around and then swatted his hand and shook his head.

It was many years later and she passed away quite suddenly. I couldn’t fly out. We had some flowers sent. It was winter time and it was the day of the funeral. I was in our basement adding more wood to the fire. We have a wood room so there is plenty of wood packed in the house. I had thought of her many times through the day. I knew her family was grieving her loss. She was so much fun and so vibrant. But, for whatever reason I got this urge to open the basement door to the outside. I did. I looked at the starry sky and a shooting star passed just at that moment. Her name passed through my mind and I burst into tears. There she was. I closed the door and wept.

Thank you for the reminder of that story. She was a great lady and I am so glad she had this big life. She was that shooting star that night.

War On Chores

I’m at war. I slick my hair in a ponytail for efficiency plus the grease from not washing it helps hold it in place. My battle begins like every other day. I expect the people I love to lend a helping hand or give me a few kind words of support. It doesn’t happen. It instead gets ugly. Continue reading

Mommy Monk

Do you know hard it is to write the truth of your self to the couple people that read this? Extremely difficult. It is one of the reasons I can’t seem to post that often. I have a lot saved in draft but not published. Why? I’m scared. I am so worried that I am going to say the wrong thing. Or it is the right thing and then more is expected.But, it will be my truth. But, you may not agree with me or you will. You may think I’m crazy. I may start to doubt that thought and then I save it in draft and crisis is adverted.

I promised this blog of madness to be honest. I felt that I wanted it to be humorous and spiritual. I am a funny person. I find though that being funny and talking about spiritual things can seem counter productive. But, it seems to me that if I had instead become a monk and done the spiritual side only, then I know I would have longed to be free from that silence. I instead chose a life with a husband and children and in the depths of what many call a normal part of life. But, try as I might to be in awareness of life and have the stresses also has been challenging for the most part.

So, to break up this sometimes awkward feeling I have to tell you the truth of my struggles:

I meditate most mornings. I get up earlier to do this. So, most mornings I can get my mediation in and have a coffee and if the weather is great then I’ll go out on the deck and love the nature before its go time. But, occasionally my husband gets up a little after I do. I have my eyes closed and my headphones on. I am still, silent and present. Then a finger pokes me in the face.

I have read the most mind blowing book, or listened to a podcast that made me want to be a better person starting right now. I am basking in the light of my new found wondrous light and this euphoric state of being and then BANG! A door slams. Muffled argument in the bathroom downstairs between my daughters because one was looking at the other and not staying on their side of the sinks. I yell downstairs “Knock it off you two, or you’ll be sharing a room again!!”

I want to write this blog. My son sits on my lap for a hug. He starts to ask me what I’m doing. He starts to read what I’m writing. He says dad is so funny. He poked you in the face. Oh yes, really funny. He shakes his head about his sisters. He asks, are you trying to write more. I said yes. So, I write….. You need to wash your hands. They are dirty. You are rubbing your eyes with dirty hands. Your eyes are dirty. Please go wash them. You are making mommy dirty. He giggles and says I can’t walk anymore. My legs are broken. Of course they are.

Enlightenment at its finest.