Healing with Forgiveness

Inner child work. This is the last piece of my puzzle on my spiritual healing, for now. I had to do some research about the inner child and there is some different schools of thought on the work that needs to be done.

You can speak to your inner child like a small human that lives inside possibly giving that inner child permission to understand the world more than they knew back then or acknowledge that there was missing emotional care, support and love at times in their young life. Another aspect is to go back to the inner child and remember what it was like to play, their innocence, and the zest for life without the burdens of adulthood. Also, you can view your world from the child perspective but maybe to understand the adults around you now from your own adult self.

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Another Layer

I’ve been on this journey of finding myself. I think what I wanted in that journey is that once I could put a finger on my biggest problem and have awareness that I could just move on from there. Release. Letting go. Mic drop. Done. I would be on the bus to my future and we were all along for the ride in peace and tranquility. This is the proof that as humans we just want to get back to normal after everything feels fixed, including me. Deep down I know that life is more like an onion full of layers. Peel one back. Cry. Then there is another layer. The past traumas seem different since we feel time has healed our wounds. I’m not 14 or 18 anymore. The same people can’t hurt me like they did back then. The realization is that the pain is very real and when it comes back sharply and with the same gut wrenching feeling after a memory surfaces then it is still alive and well living in my storage unit aka human body.

I have been doing some reading and it is one of those self-help books that require you to do work while you read. Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life by Christine Hassler is in the top three of great books that changed my protectory of my life. (The Untethered Soul and Seat of the Soul are the other two books if you were wondering) This book came up on my radar and the person had said it changed their life. I’m not finished the book yet, but it has really made me look and examine aspects of times my expectations were not met and I got the disappointment that came immediately after. I felt I had to write it out because I worried I would forget this moment and it seemed so poignant not to ever forget.

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Connect and Love

A friend sent me a picture of my young self she found in one of her family photo albums. You know, the good ol’ days of camera flashes going off, film that got sent in and then mailed back the prints. I am guessing it was in kindergarten and my friends mom took a picture and I was the only one looking at the camera.

Halloween party circa 1980

Looking at my little face, it looked like I had a cheek filled with food and it was a fun party. Little did I know at the time how many things would happen. I already felt the fear back then to fit in and be noticed.

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Seeing Clearly

Have you ever had a moment of clarity, a great idea or an epiphany, but it was such a small grasp of something that you feel could be so big that you realize you’ll lose sight of it if you don’t write it down? That is where I am at right now. This blog has helped me to stay focused and to remind me of the lessons I have learned. I have turned back to my words many times to remind me that I am slowly getting a clue to this life. This pandemic time has made me feel and acknowledge some things about myself that I don’t ever want to forget, but I am terrified that I can’t articulate it clearly, but I have to try.

Here I go…

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Balance Needed

 I had a realization recently about the pandemic and how it changed the trajectory of my life. Previously, in early February I was going to take a meditation course and finish my last reiki level in the coming months. Then, everything was shut down. All I wanted was to educate myself further in my chosen fields. Road block: Pandemic.

I had thought that maybe it was a sign that I wasn’t meant to do that anymore. I thought I was trying to evolve my spiritual teaching and I was given a pause. I questioned myself. Many months have passed and I realized that it was a chance to think about what I do want. I stalled. I have gotten so hung up on thinking I was going to make a difference by the path I was on. With reflection, I wasn’t sure about the path anymore. Continue reading

A Cry to the Universe

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I have been glancing at Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey to try to understand where I am in mine. I felt called, I know I have refused the call and then came back to it. I am now at a point that I am at a threshold of change. I know I am purely on the knowledge that I don’t want to go back, but terrified of moving forward. Continue reading

Realities of Self-Isolstion

Yesterday has been my most stressful day on record for me from the Covid-19 effect. It was stressful because I am still working out of the home and have 3 children trying to do online school. The youngest one Facetimed me many times trying to get help with a math worksheets. I had to tell him to stop and move on. But, the problem is that he is not the type of kid that this situation is working. He needs the connection with his teachers and other students. He has a hard time asking for help on a good day and now I had to come home and force him to ask for help on a question and email a teacher. I came home from work to then spend the rest of the evening helping him catch up so that his workload tomorrow is less.

I had tried to lay down the law and my oldest child would be warden this week. I said to get up earlier and get your work done first then fun stuff after. It backfired in some ways. They are more annoyed and wait for me to help finish projects or work but since I’m not there I don’t realize their plan until I’m home.

I want to say that I understand it is new for the teachers and for the children. I feel like I shouldn’t complain and that there is worse things. But, this is my pain. It is my stress. I hit a wall yesterday with trying to work, getting Facetimes I couldn’t answer, taking the calls on my lunch break and then going over my lunch break with my son to then stay late at work to make up for the time. Later, I felt resentful to come home because I wouldn’t be able to unwind and that it was homework for which proceeded to take up the whole evening. Adding to this, the premier came on the news to add to the sad predictions and state of our economy to just drive more fear into my family. I couldn’t talk about it and I couldn’t listen to it anymore. I changed the channel. I went to sleep as soon as I could to just shut off the day. I feel guilty that I am feeling this way. I am grateful for my life and this won’t last, but it is hard on my heart. We each will face our own pain during this time and all is ok to feel. We are each affected differently in our own lives.

On top of all this, my father is in a senior home. They are on lockdown. The libraries are closed now, but before I would get my father large print books to read. So, I got him a tablet, library membership over the phone and then downloaded the app that connects to the ability to download books from the library. It is awesome and I thought this is going to be great. The one problem is that I handed a device to an 87 year old man with no tech savvy skills. At first, he couldn’t flip a page. His fingers were unable to move anything. His hands are dry from all the sanitizing so I said you need a little lotion. Then next call, I don’t know what happened it all disappeared. Now, it is on the wrong page. I want to throw this tablet across the room. Ok, it’s fixed. The next call, I finished the book now how do I get back to the other books. I told him what to do. It isn’t doing anything. We kept discussing and then he was able to do it. He opened the next book and cheered that it said Chapter 1. I have over the years have had to talk others through programs, computer errors, and tech questions, but nothing could have prepared me for this situation. Hahaha. I fully feel for any tech company that has to try to talk someone with no computer experience through an issue over the phone.  I am lucky that it does seem to be working for him, but I wish I could show him face to face a little more. I know he is safe and is taking it seriously, but I pray he stays healthy.

My kids are up and down. They are muddling through their work. They are sad over the missing social interactions. They took for granted that they had school and people before all of this happened. My son misses this a lot. Then, their parents are gone for work and can’t be the support during this time. Then you feel the mom-guilt for resenting the long days this creates for myself.

I really contemplated blogging about this because I know why we are doing this and preventing illness but at the same time it is my truth of my situation. I write my truth on my journey. It is hard sometimes and other times I am so thankful and blessed. We have our jobs right now. We have food. We are healthy and the people we love are healthy right now too. But, my stresses are just as real as anyone else who acknowledges their own feelings.

I remind myself, day by day. We are in this together. The world is still a beautiful place. It won’t last forever. We will never forget and will not take for granted our family and friends we value most.

Be kind.

My Fears Are True

I’ve sat in fear on taking chances or risks because they wouldn’t work out. I have organized events where no one registers or when no one shows up. I have cried in past. Now, I feel disappointed when people promise and cancel. It takes time for me to organize another thing again. In some ways it’s torture. I feel I have lessons to learn and experience to gain but also I feel like a fool. Vulnerability leads to joy (or so they say) but it’s very uncomfortable along the way.

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Decade in Review

It’s a New Year. I refuse to do a resolution. January 1st doesn’t start my time to change. I do hope that I can keep up with moving more, eating healthy and being more social. I bought a rowing machine (yay me). I have been out snowshoeing and even organized a bunch of ladies to come out to enjoy the trail. I did a quick snowshoe last night before it got dark. I like it since it is fresh air and enjoying what I can of winter.

I thought I would review the decade. I saw that there was this feed on Twitter on people doing the highlights of all their major successes which is great, but doesn’t feel real. If you never really look at it all then it seems to defeat the purpose of how things changed. 10 years ago in 2010 I was 34. I had all my kids. We were married for 10 years and we’re living in a 3 bedroom mobile home for a family of 5. Oldest child would have almost 8, the middle was 6 years old and the youngest was 18 months old. Yikes. Remembering that reminds me that I found that time hard. I worked a bit to have my own money. I knew I was done with having anymore children. The older girls were in school. Continue reading