Another Layer

I’ve been on this journey of finding myself. I think what I wanted in that journey is that once I could put a finger on my biggest problem and have awareness that I could just move on from there. Release. Letting go. Mic drop. Done. I would be on the bus to my future and we were all along for the ride in peace and tranquility. This is the proof that as humans we just want to get back to normal after everything feels fixed, including me. Deep down I know that life is more like an onion full of layers. Peel one back. Cry. Then there is another layer. The past traumas seem different since we feel time has healed our wounds. I’m not 14 or 18 anymore. The same people can’t hurt me like they did back then. The realization is that the pain is very real and when it comes back sharply and with the same gut wrenching feeling after a memory surfaces then it is still alive and well living in my storage unit aka human body.

I have been doing some reading and it is one of those self-help books that require you to do work while you read. Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life by Christine Hassler is in the top three of great books that changed my protectory of my life. (The Untethered Soul and Seat of the Soul are the other two books if you were wondering) This book came up on my radar and the person had said it changed their life. I’m not finished the book yet, but it has really made me look and examine aspects of times my expectations were not met and I got the disappointment that came immediately after. I felt I had to write it out because I worried I would forget this moment and it seemed so poignant not to ever forget.

Fear Rising: Release It

When issues come up in society there becomes a separation of how people behave. The political climate, the coronavirus and toilet paper issues create some definitive lines in the sand. For someone like me, the common thought for all these issues is fear. Fear that life as we know it might change. Put in a new government and it will be better. It’s not better. They made promises and the global markets didn’t change. Or the virus has caused a stir in people buying out soap, hand sanitizer and toilet paper. It makes you wonder if hand washing or using toilet paper was not being done before the virus.

Bad Mom Moments

Your truth is what heals.

Gabrielle Bernstein

I’m a mess lately. I want to be the mom from the family sitcom. In a half hour I have solved a problem and gotten a few laughs. But, life isn’t like that at all. The kids don’t memorize their lines, drama goes on for days at a time and I don’t feel the happy ending at the end of the day.

Embrace the Shadow

I’ve spoken before about the shadow self. It is where our true desires lurk but have been covered up by the thought of “I’m not enough”. Childhood suggestions and experiences have plagued us into not believing in our self, causing limiting beliefs and otherwise f*cked up our lives.

I listened to Oprah’s podcast with Debbie Ford and was intrigued. I went on the Internet to find out more about what Debbie had to say about the shadow self. It is where our fear lives and where as the great Swiss psychologist C.G. Jung said, “Our shadow is the person we would rather not be.” Or so we think. Because the shadow self is the part of us that needs the most love and instead we run from it.

There’s No Place Like Home

My father’s wife passed away today.

She had diabetes and dementia. And her health deteriorated as her dementia took over.

Conditions of Childhood

I am digging at the resistance that comes up in my life. I have struggled in my religion for a long time. I was raised by nice parents that were raised this same way. I didn’t know different until I started to see that others did not go to church or celebrated Christmas with Santa and had Easter bunny egg hunts. I don’t care about those things and don’t think I missed out. It isn’t like my mother tackled the dressed up Santa at the local hardware store and refused to let me get a candy cane from him. There was just a tradition of church in all that we did. Early morning Easter mass to get our basket of food blessed or late night Christmas Eve mass. I found it harder when I was young that I didn’t receive much for gifts and was so lucky that an Aunt would always get me a little fun craft to open. I felt embarrassed to tell my friends after the New Year what little I got after hearing all about their huge piles of toys and clothes. I could have mentioned that I was going to heaven and their toys along with them were going into hell, but it would have killed the game of tag we were about to play. Seriously, I honestly didn’t think of them but of myself. It made me realize that we were different and I wasn’t sure if it was good or not.

My True Self

Never have I felt so shaken to the core of who I think I am and who actually exists. I carry such an appearance of having it together and I don’t. My human self tricks itself into believing that if I don’t say what’s going on then no one knows any different that life appears perfect. But there’s chaos under the calm water. I have looked at myself and in this awareness I am messed up. I have been everything that I don’t like in others…the victim, the blamer, the justifier, etc. 

It has hit me earlier this month when I complained about a good thing that happened in my life, but it came to me in man-drama style which annoyed me. So every time I saw this good thing I felt mad about this good fortune and then eventually it cost me. It cost me more. And I had the instant realization that I caused it. I wanted my good stuff to happen only a certain way. And when it didn’t I chose to get caught up in the anger I felt. The anger and blame made me forget about what an amazing gift it was. Why did I get so blind?

And then it started coming to me that I am very guilty of silently creating my life-drama situations. They say if your thoughts predict your future then I would agree it’s true in my case. 

In reflection of my life, I have created such chaos in times when I should have been very honest. If I had been truthful then I wouldn’t have to pretend to have it all together. I could have lived in a difficult time but it would have been real. And being real feels better then the lie. 

The weight lifts off of you. 

If I had said out loud my issues when it was happening it could have been dealt with. If I had once reminded myself that how another behaved wasn’t about me then I could have had peace. 

The truth will set you free. I’m still tied up in my chains but they are slowly loosening and breaking apart. The less I resist them the more I realize they never had the power I thought they did. 

The Truth is in the House

This is where I have to begin. The truth. I looked on Facebook this morning and I have people in my life that share everything. They share their ugly stuff and their triumphs. They are so open that I’m sure there are other people screaming at their computer or mobile for them to stop sharing so much. But, it is their truth. I am not like that.

It the act of being vulnerable. I feel that state of saying something so truthful that it exposes this vulnerability and I feel pain come up. I stop myself from saying anything. I have associated this as the reason not to share. But, the pain needs to be released. It is a viscous cycle for me and I am the one that is losing out. The world is losing out on me, but they don’t even know it because I am not putting myself out there.

I started out almost too truthful, but that easily got shut down by society. I retreated and went silent for a long time. The people in my life wanted it back, but I had found my home in my body, the house, and didn’t want to come out anymore. I felt safe inside. My body was my temple and that is where I worshipped. Quietly. Alone. But, there is no truth if it is left inside. It isn’t anything to anyone when it isn’t acted on or told. It is just thoughts of a weary soul.

The truth is I need to be vulnerable to more people then just my friends or family. It isn’t enough that they see it. There are far fewer people stepping up as healers compared to the people who want to be healed. If you speak your truth this in turn opens the door for others to speak their own. It is time. It is time.

So, what is the plan to speak my truth….I will start here. I have a pain in my ovary. It has been nearly for two years. I should mention my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and passed away from it. It is just cysts and nothing to worry about they tell me. I feel this pain is associated with my unwillingness to tell the truth about me. I know that is strange but I have had this show up in my life before. I will have pain in my body and then when I step up the pain has gone away. I am frozen in this fear of exposing myself this time. This is different. I have to step up in a more public way and even with the threat of poor health and death I still hesitate here. Can you imagine? You are told that if you let this continue on that you may leave this planet too soon and you still just stand here. Why? Fear. My own fear paralyzes me. Fear that I created. It is scary as hell. I have a great imagination so I have made it so immobilizing that I sit here and do nothing.

But, it is time to face this demon. I have to become vulnerable to set my life free. This is the next step and I must begin.

Ego Be Gone

My ego:

Not wanting to ask for help.

Not willing to be with other people, choosing to be alone.

Not speaking my truth.

Keeping secrets.

Keep my gifts hidden.

Feeling better than others.

Saying no when I mean yes.

I need to remember that my thoughts influence everything in my life. The thoughts that convince me that the people I love will be mad if I do that. Fearing what could happen even when I haven’t decided yet.

Fear in general.

I keep making baby steps in all of this, but I get the feeling that I have to be bigger and bolder. I have to open my heart to more. More healing. More passion. More love. More giving. More humor. More activity. More everything.

I’m scared as hell. But, the truth I have to remember in when I do take a step forward nothing crazy happens. The anxiety I feel goes away. I am slowly breaking free, but it isn’t enough. It is time to take a huge leap.

 

Dear Mom – Open and Close

I wondered for a few days what to write about this one. I didn’t sense you. This plan with the Signs and Symbols course was to open up our relationship again. It was to create connection. It was to create forgiveness. It did open a door between us. I felt such a good connection with you.

But, I realized this week that the door is closed again. I have gently placed my hand on the door and don’t feel the pain. I don’t feel that you are ignoring me. I just feel that my focus on you is no longer needed. We have healed. You have been able to move on with your soul. I have closed this door that was wedged open for the last 20 years which was held open by my pain in not feeling loved or wanted. As my hand remains on the closed door I don’t feel any of that. I sense that all is well. The door is closed so that I focus on this no more and move on to my purpose.

I thank you Mom for showing me this open and closed door. You will never be forgotten as long as you stay in my memories. But, from this point on the rest of the Signs and Symbols it will be Dear Spirits.