My True Self

Never have I felt so shaken to the core of who I think I am and who actually exists. I carry such an appearance of having it together and I don’t. My human self tricks itself into believing that if I don’t say what’s going on then no one knows any different that life appears perfect. But there’s chaos under the calm water. I have looked at myself and in this awareness I am messed up. I have been everything that I don’t like in others…the victim, the blamer, the justifier, etc. 

It has hit me earlier this month when I complained about a good thing that happened in my life, but it came to me in man-drama style which annoyed me. So every time I saw this good thing I felt mad about this good fortune and then eventually it cost me. It cost me more. And I had the instant realization that I caused it. I wanted my good stuff to happen only a certain way. And when it didn’t I chose to get caught up in the anger I felt. The anger and blame made me forget about what an amazing gift it was. Why did I get so blind?

And then it started coming to me that I am very guilty of silently creating my life-drama situations. They say if your thoughts predict your future then I would agree it’s true in my case. 

In reflection of my life, I have created such chaos in times when I should have been very honest. If I had been truthful then I wouldn’t have to pretend to have it all together. I could have lived in a difficult time but it would have been real. And being real feels better then the lie. 

The weight lifts off of you. 

If I had said out loud my issues when it was happening it could have been dealt with. If I had once reminded myself that how another behaved wasn’t about me then I could have had peace. 

The truth will set you free. I’m still tied up in my chains but they are slowly loosening and breaking apart. The less I resist them the more I realize they never had the power I thought they did. 

The Truth is in the House

This is where I have to begin. The truth. I looked on Facebook this morning and I have people in my life that share everything. They share their ugly stuff and their triumphs. They are so open that I’m sure there are other people screaming at their computer or mobile for them to stop sharing so much. But, it is their truth. I am not like that.

It the act of being vulnerable. I feel that state of saying something so truthful that it exposes this vulnerability and I feel pain come up. I stop myself from saying anything. I have associated this as the reason not to share. But, the pain needs to be released. It is a viscous cycle for me and I am the one that is losing out. The world is losing out on me, but they don’t even know it because I am not putting myself out there.

I started out almost too truthful, but that easily got shut down by society. I retreated and went silent for a long time. The people in my life wanted it back, but I had found my home in my body, the house, and didn’t want to come out anymore. I felt safe inside. My body was my temple and that is where I worshipped. Quietly. Alone. But, there is no truth if it is left inside. It isn’t anything to anyone when it isn’t acted on or told. It is just thoughts of a weary soul.

The truth is I need to be vulnerable to more people then just my friends or family. It isn’t enough that they see it. There are far fewer people stepping up as healers compared to the people who want to be healed. If you speak your truth this in turn opens the door for others to speak their own. It is time. It is time.

So, what is the plan to speak my truth….I will start here. I have a pain in my ovary. It has been nearly for two years. I should mention my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and passed away from it. It is just cysts and nothing to worry about they tell me. I feel this pain is associated with my unwillingness to tell the truth about me. I know that is strange but I have had this show up in my life before. I will have pain in my body and then when I step up the pain has gone away. I am frozen in this fear of exposing myself this time. This is different. I have to step up in a more public way and even with the threat of poor health and death I still hesitate here. Can you imagine? You are told that if you let this continue on that you may leave this planet too soon and you still just stand here. Why? Fear. My own fear paralyzes me. Fear that I created. It is scary as hell. I have a great imagination so I have made it so immobilizing that I sit here and do nothing.

But, it is time to face this demon. I have to become vulnerable to set my life free. This is the next step and I must begin.

Ego Be Gone

My ego:

Not wanting to ask for help.

Not willing to be with other people, choosing to be alone.

Not speaking my truth.

Keeping secrets.

Keep my gifts hidden.

Feeling better than others.

Saying no when I mean yes.

I need to remember that my thoughts influence everything in my life. The thoughts that convince me that the people I love will be mad if I do that. Fearing what could happen even when I haven’t decided yet.

Fear in general.

I keep making baby steps in all of this, but I get the feeling that I have to be bigger and bolder. I have to open my heart to more. More healing. More passion. More love. More giving. More humor. More activity. More everything.

I’m scared as hell. But, the truth I have to remember in when I do take a step forward nothing crazy happens. The anxiety I feel goes away. I am slowly breaking free, but it isn’t enough. It is time to take a huge leap.

 

Dear Mom – Open and Close

I wondered for a few days what to write about this one. I didn’t sense you. This plan with the Signs and Symbols course was to open up our relationship again. It was to create connection. It was to create forgiveness. It did open a door between us. I felt such a good connection with you.

But, I realized this week that the door is closed again. I have gently placed my hand on the door and don’t feel the pain. I don’t feel that you are ignoring me. I just feel that my focus on you is no longer needed. We have healed. You have been able to move on with your soul. I have closed this door that was wedged open for the last 20 years which was held open by my pain in not feeling loved or wanted. As my hand remains on the closed door I don’t feel any of that. I sense that all is well. The door is closed so that I focus on this no more and move on to my purpose.

I thank you Mom for showing me this open and closed door. You will never be forgotten as long as you stay in my memories. But, from this point on the rest of the Signs and Symbols it will be Dear Spirits.

The Worst and Greatest Teacher

I had a teacher back in junior and senior high that still makes me feel annoyed after this many years. I see him once in awhile and he knows not to make small talk with me. He tried once after high school and I told him to never speak to me. And, in all our years of dealing with each other he has honored that request.

I bring him up and am going to use him in this story, but “he” will actually be many people that did very similar things to me that made a negative impact in my life. I don’t want to paint teachers in a bad way, because I had amazing ones too. I had adults in my life that made a difference. This time I have to face an aspect of it and try to explain it to you.

I entered his classroom in Grade 7. It didn’t take long and he told me that I chewed gum like a cow. We entered this battle ground for the next 6 years. Him telling me I was a shitty student and me telling him no I’m not. But, he had me over a barrel all those years. He graded me unfairly. I know, oh maybe you weren’t such a great student, but truthfully his classes were my worst. It sent me over the top when he wrote on my essay that it was written well, but he didn’t think I understood what I wrote. Nice. He gave me a 35%. If you didn’t get his poetic whit, he thought I cheated. If I approached his desk he would ask what are your idiotic friends up to behind you. So, I would move to the side and ask him the same question. He’d tell me to go sit down. A boy would break apart a computer disk (yes, I’m that old) and throw the pieces at me. I had plastic hanging in my hair. I finally turned around and said stop it. He kicked me out of class. I got a high mark on a multiple choice and he asked if I cheated in front of the class. There was only this one teacher teaching these particular subjects and there wasn’t choice in anyone else or going to a different school.

But, what my point is….. he worked hard on making me feel bad about who I was. Parts of me did not believe him, but there was a part that swallowed it. I had to eat it when I went to the principal and said he marks me unfairly. The principal said I can’t get involved with marks. I was told I wasn’t any good at writing. I dreamed of writing a novel. I loved poetry. I was told I was a fool. I still wrote.

The part that happened that has crippled me is that yes, I did keep writing. I kept writing for me, but those words didn’t leave that place. I fought a lot of what was said to me during high school and all through my life, but I realized that I believed some of it. I was told I was average. I was told I wasn’t good enough. I was told because I was a girl that I didn’t have to aspire to be much. I wasn’t pretty enough. As my issues grew, I didn’t get down on myself, but I did accept it. I accepted that I wasn’t pretty or special. I wouldn’t accept praise because I’d tell a joke and blow it off. I learned to be ok in my place where society had put me, but the fucking genius part of the whole thing was that I didn’t for the longest time really understood that I HAD FUCKING ACCEPTED IT! I deep down accepted that I was nothing. So, I thought I’d protect myself by keeping to myself. That my friends is a downright mother effing lie to yourself. It caused me pain. Pain that has met me at 40 years old. After this many years when the real pain of it is so long gone I am still immobilized by the fear it created. It created that I was scared of what people thought of me. I feared to risk to put myself out there in case of rejection.

I am not who he said I was. I know now that how people act is not about me, but it speaks volumes of them. I think now about that teacher and I think he had most likely started out with aspirations of doing well with his teaching career. He probably felt he would make a difference to most of the children. I bet in all those 6 years he had me in his class he would have never come to the conclusion that I was one of them. He didn’t nurture me. He didn’t praise nor care about how I turned out. I think he kept me at a passing grade to make sure I moved on year after year. But, his actions now has taught me something so valuable that had high school been but a hop skip and jump I wouldn’t have learned it. I allowed how he treated me to become my voice in my head. He spoke poorly of me and I resisted. But, a small part of me accepted it too. I heard it over the years not just from him, but from family, friends, neighbors, adults and my peers. To everyone else: something was always wrong with me. So, I tried speaking out and got shut down. I hid myself and that caused me pain because though I chose it I still felt rejected by the world. No one noticed I wasn’t around. I started stepping out and big things started to change.

I am on this soulful journey so I have been working on awareness. I meditate. I self-heal. I stay present. All my work has come to a huge head with this area that I had to consider was their truth in the quote as it suggests…Was I willing to stay comfortable and content staying broken? I have had the biggest upheaval with this state of being. In awareness, it seems once you know the truth you can’t pretend you don’t know. It causes the worst kind of pain to pretend to be blind. You can always still see the TRUTH.

We hear all the quotes and phrases that say when you fear it do it anyways. But, I am telling you that I really must do this. I must push past all the broken thoughts I have on being me out there in the big wide world. The world that has social media dill hole’s ready to tear me apart. It has the opposite too; the people that will like what I have to say and want more. In the end, if I can’t keep thriving then my life will run down a path of little resistance. It will stay easy and comfortable. When asked is this all I am really meant to do? The answer is no. I know it is not.

I am more than what they say I am. I am more wise. I have such a gift that is so undeniably special and I am ready to keep releasing it out. I am real. I am true. I am more then what they say I am.

Life’s changing people!!

 

Shadow Self

It is a frightening thought that man also has a shadow side to him, consisting not just of little weaknesses- and foibles, but of a positively demonic dynamism. The individual seldom knows anything of this; to him, as an individual, it is incredible that he should ever in any circumstances go beyond himself. But let these harmless creatures form a mass, and there emerges a raging monster. ~ Carl Jung, On the Psychology of the Unconscious.”

I met my shadow self in a wondrous act of self-discovery. In no way has this self-discovery started in a time capacity, nor will it end. It was a moment of light in the darkness one of my biggest fears I have become aware of but didn’t truly understand how deeply rooted it was inside of me made its presence. This fear I called “tricky” when I was feeling humorous, but then called it “subtle” when I’d realize that it had eased in. Continue reading

No Opinion, No Problem

I hit a low this week. It caught me off guard and I was surprised how vulnerable and sad I felt. I got this reminder by another person that you are not allowed to have an opinion because it went against the masses. Now if hockey is like a religion then you are supposed to honor the tradition and never question it. Read the rules, obey the laws of the predecessor’s before you, “this is an institution and you my dear, are the outsider”. And if I have ever proven time and again that I cannot follow the crowd. I question the religion that asks me to hate others or to judge them. Continue reading

Dear Mom – Pets

Oh mom, I think I jinxed myself with this one. I got the sign Pets and thought oh great, I never see animals and rarely my own dog. I work in an office all day. The weather was cold and it gets dark early. I wasn’t feeling it. And that is what ruined this one for me.

My dog acted super calm which was unusual but not really anything exciting. The kids said nothing about animals or wanting a pet or anything related to pets. I saw nothing strange with animals or strange behaviors.

The only saving grace was that my friend texted me several times saying her dog was barking at things that weren’t there. Barking into the house when no one was home. She acted unusual and my friend told me about it. It would make sense to do that to a person who is among animals all day unlike myself.

Thank you mom for everything. I think I was distracted with the noise of my human self. I’m over it now and am looking forward to the next one.