I could never really put my finger on what it was that bothered me about anyone pushing me to do my passion or my work and that I had to step up and out to be “more” of my true self. I struggled a lot because the word “more” was them pushing me to quit my job and then I could make lots of money and live abundantly being a spiritual leader even though I still felt like the student. Nothing they said felt good because it went against everything that felt right inside. Continue reading
It was late last night and I left my last blog post hanging. It was late. I am not having a good day. I asked the question, how do I hold myself accountable to my path? I realized that feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable seems to be the only way. And comfort causes more issues which seems so contrary to everything a human wants to feel…peace. I decided that when I feel that way it is just an illusion. Real ups and downs are better for me then just staying comfortable.
But, I don’t want to chase the pain away. I don’t want to push it down. I don’t want to eat or drink anything to calm it. I just want to accept it. I want to look at it and feel compassion and love for myself. I want to let it go and leave my body and fill the space with new passion. Continue reading
I recently was at a funeral and the preacher asked, are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? It seem like a strange thing to talk about at a funeral but he was trying to get the congregation an option about their difficult lives and think about spending time with Christ. He knows the way. He will lead you to your true destiny. I listened and I thought at the time it did not apply to me. Then it dawned on me days later that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and not that I am physically sick or not that I am physically tired it’s just that I am sick and tired of being stuck in the same place. Continue reading
I recently got back from a trip to Cuba. We took our family on our first ever warm vacation. It was a lot of excitement even getting passports and booking the trip. We went with another couple and friend which all had travelled to Cuba many times and had lots to show us.
We had an amazing time. The blue water and white sand was mesmerizing. The Cuban culture and music inundated us at all times. We went on some excursions as well as going out to the country side. It was a huge eye opener for our children to see Cuba not just from the resort, but to see the normal life of families in this country. Continue reading
I have a big love of podcasts and today was no different and sometimes it sparks a new thought or sometimes it ties together what the universe has been trying to get me to notice. I have been aware of my wounds and my fears so listening to Gabrielle Bernstein today was another opportunity to look at those wounds and keep healing.
*Warning: if you have an aversion to the word asshole, you won’t like this post… Continue reading
It is a foreboding message. But, it is also honest and expected. One day, we will die.
I got an early morning call from where my dad lives and they said he had been taken by ambulance. My first response after I hung up the phone was to notice what I felt in the moment and I felt calm which gave me the notion that my father was going to be ok. Last time he had called and went in by ambulance I didn’t have that ok feeling I knew that it was more serious and even though both paramedics and emergency doctor did not believe me when I said he had a stroke until his tests came back positive. I trust myself. Continue reading
I’m still here.
It is an unusual time for me. I noticed that I haven’t really chatted with any friends. I’m not bothered by it. But, it all happened at the same time which made me notice it. And then I read that you need isolation to have a shift happen in your life. Isolation always felt scary like being alone is the worst thing that can happen, but I’ve learned being at peace by myself is a gift. Continue reading
Change. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. I have changed so much but I was wondering what was the shift and when and where that happened. There has been pivotal moments that I can remember and felt the need to write them down so I never forget.
I remember I had the most bittersweet year of 2012. We had built our house. We had lived in our fifth wheel camper for 110 days. My body physically was in pain. My feet hurt. I had helped dig, hammer, prepared meals, parented and everything in between. It was such a hot summer and the saving grace was that our camper had air conditioning. Continue reading
I recently learned that when I spent a decade in isolation that it was really a depression. I would have never believed it at the time. But, in retrospect I had chosen a man over some so-called friends. And, even though they were not good friends to me because how they fed the dark part of me. I chose escape, but where I ended up was calmer but lonely. I didn’t connect with anyone. I started having babies and the people around me were not having kids. I believed that I just didn’t connect to those people out there so I spent a lot of time alone. It was quiet and lonely. Continue reading
I worked on writing down my goals and desires. I tried to write down the first steps in moving forward and then added some deadlines to get motivated. I faltered there. Ego took over a lot and convinced me that I am crazy for wanting more. I have a good life. I still worked through and wrote it down, but when I stared at them nothing made me feel excited. I flipped the page over and then just wrote down every idea that I have had recently and filled up the page. I felt more excitement. They appeared to be more of a bucket list, but maybe that is what is needed from me. I have so many hopes and dreams and I am not even trying to fulfill them a little bit. Continue reading