It is a foreboding message. But, it is also honest and expected. One day, we will die.
I got an early morning call from where my dad lives and they said he had been taken by ambulance. My first response after I hung up the phone was to notice what I felt in the moment and I felt calm which gave me the notion that my father was going to be ok. Last time he had called and went in by ambulance I didn’t have that ok feeling I knew that it was more serious and even though both paramedics and emergency doctor did not believe me when I said he had a stroke until his tests came back positive. I trust myself. Continue reading
I’m still here.
It is an unusual time for me. I noticed that I haven’t really chatted with any friends. I’m not bothered by it. But, it all happened at the same time which made me notice it. And then I read that you need isolation to have a shift happen in your life. Isolation always felt scary like being alone is the worst thing that can happen, but I’ve learned being at peace by myself is a gift. Continue reading
Change. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. I have changed so much but I was wondering what was the shift and when and where that happened. There has been pivotal moments that I can remember and felt the need to write them down so I never forget.
I remember I had the most bittersweet year of 2012. We had built our house. We had lived in our fifth wheel camper for 110 days. My body physically was in pain. My feet hurt. I had helped dig, hammer, prepared meals, parented and everything in between. It was such a hot summer and the saving grace was that our camper had air conditioning. Continue reading
I recently learned that when I spent a decade in isolation that it was really a depression. I would have never believed it at the time. But, in retrospect I had chosen a man over some so-called friends. And, even though they were not good friends to me because how they fed the dark part of me. I chose escape, but where I ended up was calmer but lonely. I didn’t connect with anyone. I started having babies and the people around me were not having kids. I believed that I just didn’t connect to those people out there so I spent a lot of time alone. It was quiet and lonely. Continue reading
I worked on writing down my goals and desires. I tried to write down the first steps in moving forward and then added some deadlines to get motivated. I faltered there. Ego took over a lot and convinced me that I am crazy for wanting more. I have a good life. I still worked through and wrote it down, but when I stared at them nothing made me feel excited. I flipped the page over and then just wrote down every idea that I have had recently and filled up the page. I felt more excitement. They appeared to be more of a bucket list, but maybe that is what is needed from me. I have so many hopes and dreams and I am not even trying to fulfill them a little bit. Continue reading
“Everybody can be great, because everybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. You don’t have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve. You don’t have to know Einstein’s “Theory of Relativity” to serve. You don’t have to know the Second Theory of Thermal Dynamics in Physics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love.”
– Excerpted from “The Drum Major Instinct”, a sermon by Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., 1968.
As I read the quote from Martin Luther King I felt inspired that I could do great soul work too. I was ready to blog. I was ready to share my wisdom…and I had nothing to tell you except more of my pain. I struggled with it because ego says “I’m done with sharing where my fears comes from.” But, the soul whispers “Free your self.” Continue reading
Every year for as long as I can remember I have made the trek to the cemetery. It was the annual honoring (cleaning) of the graves. My father’s family is buried there along with my sister. As a child, I wouldn’t help much. I would check out the graves and calculate the ages and feel sad for the smaller graves of children and babies that had only been days old. It was like a spring time project that we went to each year. As I grew older though I helped clean. Trim the grass, rake it up, sweep it off the headstones and marble slabs and then wash the dirt off. We visit with other families that had come out to do the same. The next day which would be Sunday, there would be church, lunch in town and then a service at the cemetery. The priest would go around and bless each grave that was requested. Continue reading
The sun is out and it feels like spring here in my shiny province of Alberta. I went for my run/walk because my body isn’t there to run only. I saw the pussy willows starting to come out. It is really a sure sign until I heard the most majestic noise…thunder. It is spring. The dark clouds rolled in and I heard the sound that isn’t here during our torment of snow during winter. My first thought was yes please! Rain! Let that warm rain take away the rest of snow and bring out the green grass. And when the landscape gets brighter so does our hearts. Continue reading
I want to be clear. If I ever give off the impression that I got this whole “life” thing figured out. I do not. I’m sorry if it comes across that way. I would say about half my life I wore a heavy veil over my eyes. I had some natural ability to be a counselor to my friends and trusted my gut without explanation. But, I was heavily shrouded with my outside self and less focused on my true self. Continue reading
Vulnerability. What does vulnerability mean to me? Brene Brown said it best, “Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection?” I have seen this coming down the pipe for me; why do I fear being vulnerable? Continue reading