Human Reflections of Me

Christmas has come and gone for this year. It has been a strange year. I had a plan from January to March and then something so much larger than me happened that changed everything. I was stunned along with everyone else with the lockdowns, online school fails and a recovering anxious personality so I was feeling the fear and worry around me. I read the Expectation Hangover this year and it definitely has put in perspective the expectations I had of the year and how to try to move forward past the disappointment and stalled out feeling. I was lucky that I remained working, but I longed for things that never could happen. I asked for help from my spiritual entourage with finding healing and peace. I asked for the ability to keep up with the financial stresses. I paid off my vehicle. I still have a job. I have remained blessed. We are truly lucky for all that we have. I was trying to maintain peace and calm during these past few months. I felt I had come to a good place. And then…

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Deserving Vibes

I’m not sure why I feel this urgency in my 40’s to make a move into living fully in my life. In my earlier years I thought that I would just make this big gesture, take a risk or leap into something and then I’d live from that point. I get it now that my life is a series of doing things that lead me down a path. The path is long and never ending. It isn’t going to be just one thing, because then what happens after you find it? You die? You’re safe?

The problem is that I focus on what I am not doing or not getting. I have been told to look at what I have accomplished and how far I have come in my life. I need to remind myself of the good things and be grateful for all of it.

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Another Layer

I’ve been on this journey of finding myself. I think what I wanted in that journey is that once I could put a finger on my biggest problem and have awareness that I could just move on from there. Release. Letting go. Mic drop. Done. I would be on the bus to my future and we were all along for the ride in peace and tranquility. This is the proof that as humans we just want to get back to normal after everything feels fixed, including me. Deep down I know that life is more like an onion full of layers. Peel one back. Cry. Then there is another layer. The past traumas seem different since we feel time has healed our wounds. I’m not 14 or 18 anymore. The same people can’t hurt me like they did back then. The realization is that the pain is very real and when it comes back sharply and with the same gut wrenching feeling after a memory surfaces then it is still alive and well living in my storage unit aka human body.

I have been doing some reading and it is one of those self-help books that require you to do work while you read. Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life by Christine Hassler is in the top three of great books that changed my protectory of my life. (The Untethered Soul and Seat of the Soul are the other two books if you were wondering) This book came up on my radar and the person had said it changed their life. I’m not finished the book yet, but it has really made me look and examine aspects of times my expectations were not met and I got the disappointment that came immediately after. I felt I had to write it out because I worried I would forget this moment and it seemed so poignant not to ever forget.

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Connect and Love

A friend sent me a picture of my young self she found in one of her family photo albums. You know, the good ol’ days of camera flashes going off, film that got sent in and then mailed back the prints. I am guessing it was in kindergarten and my friends mom took a picture and I was the only one looking at the camera.

Halloween party circa 1980

Looking at my little face, it looked like I had a cheek filled with food and it was a fun party. Little did I know at the time how many things would happen. I already felt the fear back then to fit in and be noticed.

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Think Big

Done is better than perfect.

It is a quote that I have been tossing around lately. How many times do you not want to finish a task or project because it won’t be perfect? If I am not amazing at something then doubt creeps in.

Elizabeth Gilbert in “Big Magic” says, “Completion is a rather honorable achievement in its own right. What’s more, it’s a rare one. Because the truth of the matter is, most people don’t finish things! Look around you, the evidence is everywhere: People don’t finish. They begin ambitious projects with the best of intentions, but then they get stuck in a mire of insecurity and doubt and hairsplitting . . . and they stop.” I am part of the pack of people who don’t finish all that they start.

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Seeing Clearly

Have you ever had a moment of clarity, a great idea or an epiphany, but it was such a small grasp of something that you feel could be so big that you realize you’ll lose sight of it if you don’t write it down? That is where I am at right now. This blog has helped me to stay focused and to remind me of the lessons I have learned. I have turned back to my words many times to remind me that I am slowly getting a clue to this life. This pandemic time has made me feel and acknowledge some things about myself that I don’t ever want to forget, but I am terrified that I can’t articulate it clearly, but I have to try.

Here I go…

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Balance Needed

 I had a realization recently about the pandemic and how it changed the trajectory of my life. Previously, in early February I was going to take a meditation course and finish my last reiki level in the coming months. Then, everything was shut down. All I wanted was to educate myself further in my chosen fields. Road block: Pandemic.

I had thought that maybe it was a sign that I wasn’t meant to do that anymore. I thought I was trying to evolve my spiritual teaching and I was given a pause. I questioned myself. Many months have passed and I realized that it was a chance to think about what I do want. I stalled. I have gotten so hung up on thinking I was going to make a difference by the path I was on. With reflection, I wasn’t sure about the path anymore. Continue reading

Epiphany Lesson

Did you ever watch that movie Crossroads? Ralph Macchio starred in it and so that means it was a hit in the 80’s. Anyway, you can google it, but there’s a part in the movie that it was according to legend that Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil at the “crossroads” in exchange for his talented skills on the guitar. I loved it for the blues music, but the premise of the movie always held a special place in my heart.

The crossroads in the movie were pictured on a dusty road with nothing significant in sight. Robert Johnson’s song “Crossroad Blues” didn’t seem to suggest that he made a deal with the devil, but maybe more of a time he had to make a choice in his life. His wife and child had died in childbirth. He disappeared out of the public site and returned back an improved guitar player. It is funny that a legend of the tale became part of his life. Maybe he decided to dedicate his life to music after his family passed to help him get through the stress. Mourning can send you into isolation. The miracle of his music though seemed to do better with the thought that he gave up his future soul ascension in order to have one amazing life of music, money and women. Continue reading

Which One?

I don’t know about you but in my past I had split personalities with how I acted with different people. Certain groups I would be loud and outgoing and then be quiet and more passive to others. There were times I didn’t realize the difference and then other times I knew exactly why I felt I had to act a certain way. It was the times that I was trying to fit in. I felt it so deeply to want to be liked but even if I tried to be like them they didn’t like me anyway. I could sense that it wasn’t worth it to try but had to experience the lesson many times. It’s the beginning of believing the way you are isn’t enough but enough for whom? For what?

The other aspect of this is that your soul chose your personality in order to get your soul work, lighted-path following, and passion filled work done. Why do we try to change so much for others? I’d like to imagine that I got more refined with age. I’d like to believe that I’m trying to work with the best parts of myself. It’s funny strange, but even in my 40’s I feel like I am being disapproved of by some people. It’s like they want to nudge me that my mouth running over “for them” needs to be told that I’m “too much or too loud or too crass”. It effects me less but I’m not immune.

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The pandemic and the global reaction is like a road block on the path. You know that the road ahead has a sink hole and you cannot pass. So, many stand in line waiting for it to be fixed, but with this many days waiting there has a been a change of how people view this road block. I swing in different directions each day. At times, I understand why we are waiting, but while the economy collapses around us and with each passing day more of us set to lose our jobs with no clear knowing if even if the road is fixed will we be able to go back. And then, I have my dad in a seniors home and don’t want him to be a statistic even he shares with me he is worried that he will get the virus. I understand that right now life is on hold until…. and that unknown date is what is hard to grasp. There is no clear knowing and lifting some of the restrictions and the number skyrocket up is a real threat. Continue reading