Ego Boost

I feel like ego is everywhere I am turning in my life. I feel it around me in how I feel when people speak and I feel it inside my mind in how I talk to myself. I wake up in the middle of the might and like a switch in my brain turns on as well and my first thought is this negative one. “Why did you drink that coffee at 2pm? You should have went to sleep earlier.” Or, my worry/fear issue will come up so quickly that I’m wide awake and I can’t turn it off. I instantly have to calm myself and say I’m ok. Sometimes just saying it one time allows me to fall back asleep. Other times, it takes more. I have to wrap myself up in a spiritual hug and give myself the comfort and shush myself from going into a negative chatter.

One of the epiphanies I had in my life stem from being told that negative chatter was holding me back. My first thought years ago was that yes, many people speak in a negative way to me. Days later after an incident that I churned and churned over in my mind over an encounter I realized I was the one that allowed the negative talk in my own mind. I did this a lot to myself. My conflict with another was typically brief, but they would leave and I would rehash it over and over in mind. Playing out every other outcome until, for a moment, I felt satisfied that I won. Problem is that the other person did not know we were still working it out. The other problem was that I didn’t have all this time at the moment and only could handle it the best way I could. I wasn’t satisfied with letting it go after it was done. I wanted to mull it over and be right and to feel the victory of their substandard comebacks. Ugh.

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The pandemic and the global reaction is like a road block on the path. You know that the road ahead has a sink hole and you cannot pass. So, many stand in line waiting for it to be fixed, but with this many days waiting there has a been a change of how people view this road block. I swing in different directions each day. At times, I understand why we are waiting, but while the economy collapses around us and with each passing day more of us set to lose our jobs with no clear knowing if even if the road is fixed will we be able to go back. And then, I have my dad in a seniors home and don’t want him to be a statistic even he shares with me he is worried that he will get the virus. I understand that right now life is on hold until…. and that unknown date is what is hard to grasp. There is no clear knowing and lifting some of the restrictions and the number skyrocket up is a real threat. Continue reading

My Fears Are True

I’ve sat in fear on taking chances or risks because they wouldn’t work out. I have organized events where no one registers or when no one shows up. I have cried in past. Now, I feel disappointed when people promise and cancel. It takes time for me to organize another thing again. In some ways it’s torture. I feel I have lessons to learn and experience to gain but also I feel like a fool. Vulnerability leads to joy (or so they say) but it’s very uncomfortable along the way.

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This has been my pattern. Great ideas are born in my mind in private and solitude. But, planting the seed out in public gets my back up. I have the most random thoughts of someone bad mouthing others about an event I might promote. The truth is that they will ignore it and just not go. If I saw someone who I wasn’t interested in advertising for an event I would just pass it on by and not go around telling others not to go. It takes energy to be negative and no one usually cares that much to waste precious time. Why do I self-sabotage? What is behind the fear of trying? I have had the bad moments happen such as no one showing up. I’ve had poor turnouts and great ones too. I think I am past the point that most know I dabble in some meditation, art or healing. It should be no surprise to most people. I shouldn’t feel awkward about talking spiritual. But, somewhere in the recesses of my mind not taking action rubs me the right way in my currency. Do I feel good for a moment when I don’t try? Do I get some satisfaction of being safe? Or staying comfortable? Do I watch the idea float up inside and it flourish in my imagination to watch it wither and die and disintegrate into thin air?

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Note to Self

I always used to use that expression, “note to self” when I wanted to remember something. I haven’t used it in a long time and it came to me when I was thinking that I have had a lot of little things come up and felt they were important and didn’t want to forget. Here goes…

Note to Self:

I want to remember that all that has happened was to propel me forward. Even in the darkest times, my biggest failures, my rock bottoms, bad choices and shame happened to me for a Divine reason. At the time, I was in despair, but retrospect has changed me beyond what was possible if only I had good times going on in my life. If you were asked what situation has defined you; the reply would never be the trip to Hawaii it would always be the parts of life that has shaken you up. Continue reading

A Prison I Made

Here it begins.

Debbie Ford isn’t with us anymore. But, her work on our shadow self is just as needed. I have studied it in the past, but the one thing I learned is that if you open the door and take a peak that you will get a good taste of what is there. Most of us want to slam the door and go back into denial. I do too. But, each time I look it seems that I get a little closer to the truth.  Continue reading

The Platform

“Wherever you are, that is your platform.” Oprah Winfrey.

I couldn’t bear to write anything this past month. I have promised the truth in this blog but when I get to a layer of my self that I can barely stand to look at with such obvious shame I stammer at saying anything. I was practicing meditation, but it was hitting a plateau. I wasn’t giving up, but it wasn’t feeling right either. Continue reading

Healing Begins

I was asked to do a beginners meditation class in a private setting. The hostess organized it and I showed up. Her and I didn’t discuss much about the event but agreed to a few details like time and place. I try to not think much about it because I am not a good person when I get into my own head. I am best to stay clear and believe that I can allow the soul to come forward.  Continue reading