I’m at war. I slick my hair in a ponytail for efficiency plus the grease from not washing it helps hold it in place. My battle begins like every other day. I expect the people I love to lend a helping hand or give me a few kind words of support. It doesn’t happen. It instead gets ugly. Continue reading
Do you know hard it is to write the truth of your self to the couple people that read this? Extremely difficult. It is one of the reasons I can’t seem to post that often. I have a lot saved in draft but not published. Why? I’m scared. I am so worried that I am going to say the wrong thing. Or it is the right thing and then more is expected.But, it will be my truth. But, you may not agree with me or you will. You may think I’m crazy. I may start to doubt that thought and then I save it in draft and crisis is adverted.
I promised this blog of madness to be honest. I felt that I wanted it to be humorous and spiritual. I am a funny person. I find though that being funny and talking about spiritual things can seem counter productive. But, it seems to me that if I had instead become a monk and done the spiritual side only, then I know I would have longed to be free from that silence. I instead chose a life with a husband and children and in the depths of what many call a normal part of life. But, try as I might to be in awareness of life and have the stresses also has been challenging for the most part.
So, to break up this sometimes awkward feeling I have to tell you the truth of my struggles:
I meditate most mornings. I get up earlier to do this. So, most mornings I can get my mediation in and have a coffee and if the weather is great then I’ll go out on the deck and love the nature before its go time. But, occasionally my husband gets up a little after I do. I have my eyes closed and my headphones on. I am still, silent and present. Then a finger pokes me in the face.
I have read the most mind blowing book, or listened to a podcast that made me want to be a better person starting right now. I am basking in the light of my new found wondrous light and this euphoric state of being and then BANG! A door slams. Muffled argument in the bathroom downstairs between my daughters because one was looking at the other and not staying on their side of the sinks. I yell downstairs “Knock it off you two, or you’ll be sharing a room again!!”
I want to write this blog. My son sits on my lap for a hug. He starts to ask me what I’m doing. He starts to read what I’m writing. He says dad is so funny. He poked you in the face. Oh yes, really funny. He shakes his head about his sisters. He asks, are you trying to write more. I said yes. So, I write….. You need to wash your hands. They are dirty. You are rubbing your eyes with dirty hands. Your eyes are dirty. Please go wash them. You are making mommy dirty. He giggles and says I can’t walk anymore. My legs are broken. Of course they are.
Enlightenment at its finest.
What if I confused fear with excitement? It is a question that when I heard it the first time I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Ummm, no I think that’s fear. Just so you are not confused, this is not the fear that you feel in a back alley with someone standing in the shadows about to pounce. No. This is when you have a dream or goal and you suddenly find a million excuses and all the things that could go wrong so that you don’t even start. That part is the fear. You should be excited. You should be able to start making plans and make the steps to fulfill your goal. It could be quick or take a long time, but there would be joy and passion behind it. But, that excitement quickly turns to fear. Continue reading
My ovaries are getting old I was told today. I’m 39 and I was a bit surprised at the statement. I suppose they are old after 39 years of ovary functioning. Three healthy kids later and they served their purpose. It got me thinking that this is just one phase of my life. I was born, grew up to expect my menstruation like a great red-ribboned car shaped gift out in the driveway, but turned out to be the itchy sweater from great-Aunt Flo. Yes, the egg machine is starting to dwindle but it is opening up a new door. I call it the forty-fabulous years.
I love this age. I am turning 40 in a month. I love this time in my life. You couldn’t get me to go back to my 20’s to go back to unsure and uncomfortable with my life. Ok, I might go back and grab my body, my energy and metabolism, but otherwise I’m good. I am so much sure about this life then I was back then. The only problem in my 20’s is that I did think I knew everything. Now, I am super comfortable not knowing, but curious about everything.
I’m not super-famous, or a great philosopher, but I do have the most interesting conversations with people in the most common places. Junior high volleyball game. It’s loud. We, myself and a couple other amazing women, had a convo about living your own life, and not worry about how others think, but at the same time not to worry about how everyone else was living their life. We hit on the topic of being supportive of other women and how it seemed that when you wanted to strive to be better why was it hard for others to want the best for you. After the game, we congratulated each other on our good work in our lives. The best part was that it was just a great conversation. Honestly, I seem to strike up those soul-searching, universe shifting, great-minds-think-a-like, inspirational exchanges most places I go. We may not have solved a world problem, but we feel we contributed to each other in a brief moment. In my 20’s I would have tried to convince those women of something, now I understand the significance that each of our paths is for our greater good. No need to convince anyone of anything, but we all just want to be heard, supported and feel like even for a brief moment we are understood.
Here’s to another 39 years, and all the new doors that will open….kind of excited about the doors closing too, especially on Aunt Flo, eventually.
My middle daughter has been learning about reproduction and then coming home asking about her birth story. Sexual education is my favourite part of health in school at this age. Because it’s not really about sex but all the inner workings on how things work in and around the sex act.
Of course my daughter asked questions with the other 2 kids with me plus my daughters friend. This was our conversation:
Honey: Mom was I born casarean?
Me: No you were born through the vajayjay.
Her friend laughs.
Me: The vagina.
Her friend: My moms friend calls it a vaj.
They talk about the different names. There is giggles. My oldest daughter tries to turn up the music.
My son, Bubby: How did I come out?
Me: The vagina.
Shock and awe insue. Giggles and more chatter.
Bubby: What about Bee?
Me: The vagina.
Bee, oldest daughter: Stop talking about this.
Bubby, pats her on the shoulder: It’s ok. We all went through it.
I laughed so hard.
Me, turning to Bee: I can’t wait until you have kids and then this will be even funnier.
Bee rolls eyes and music gets turned up.
Love being their mom!!
Evan Almighty. This movie came on TV and I thought the kids might like it so we watched it together. I told them the story about Noah’s ark and how the animals came 2 by 2 so that they might get the gist what the heck this was all about. The movie is ok, but I heard something in the movie that Morgan Freeman said as the God character in the movie. I mean who else could play God in a movie, Alanis Morissette? Oh that’s right, she did too. I found that this quote brought me a greater awareness in my life. It was this:
God : Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feeling, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?
It is like that isn’t it? If I pray to have more patience and it is not patience I am given. I will be given an opportunity to wait. I will have free will and choice on how to handle that time. I could definately be impatient. I could tap my foot and throw a fit. Or, I could have a small spark of thought that shows me this is my moment to sit in peace.
I tell my friend that sometimes when you get stuck in the long line at the grocery store that maybe the universe is saving you from something else that you are unaware of that is happening outside of your knowledge. What if having patience in that moment in line helps to avoid a strange circumstance? It gives you a moment to acknowledge the people around you. It gives you a few moments of breath work. Deep breathing to clear your thoughts. You have now shown patience in a time when normally you’d have been annoyed the whole time and taken it out with your negative energy around you.
It starts with you. I have prayed for peace and have realized that it has been in opportunities that I haven’t reacted the same way that I have before. I have watched the words escaping my lips more consciously where in fact they don’t escape, but are chosen. I have said no when my heart does not desire what has been asked. I have accepted that I need to look at my self to make the choices that are right for me.
What does it all mean? Well, if you want to create family bonding time you build an ark and have a flood and then crash into the Whitehouse. Simple. Right?
My favourite scenes in movies are the ones that the actor shows what he would like to do but doesn’t really do it, such as Arnold Schwarzenegger in “True Lies”. He takes a test drive with a man he suspects is cheating with his wife. He smashes his face on the steering wheel, but in fact he doesn’t really do it. It implies he wanted to bounce his head like a basketball in a crushing nose kind of way. If you aren’t as old as me 😉 then you might know Ben Stiller’s movie “The Secret of Walter Mitty” in that he daydreamed what he wished was really going on. I’ve had these moments. It happens with a blink of an eye not like a 30 second dream in a movie. One punch to the throat or kick in the balls is over in a second. The unsuspecting victim doesn’t know it, and I feel some strange satisfaction for having my moment of revenge. Then, my feng shui, chakra-balanced, meditative mind comes into play and I think, yikes, that is not good Karma of you. Let’s imagine we give them a hug instead. Virtual spiritual hug! No actual touching required.
Or how about those montages in the movies, such as they work out steady for like a minute pumped up with Finger Eleven* in the background and at the end has lost weight and is all buff. No, that doesn’t happen? Darn it. I really wanted that one to be true. But, seriously, the montage of them getting dressed for a big event and having a hundred different outfits and some sassy retail staff waiting on them hand and foot. I would like this one to be true. I’d love to have the money and time to clap my hands together while they brought me outfit after outfit all the while sipping champagne and charging up the plastic. But, I consider that the next time I go and need a dress and start flinging the 25 dresses and do a little number every time I opened the door would probably have mall security be the ones helping me out of the store. Have you ever really tried to put on that many outfits? After one outfit my hair goes frizzy and when I have to mutter to the 18 year old staffer that I need a bigger size and we exchange the attempt-outfit over the door I don’t even bother coming out to parade my outfit. If I can zip it up it is in the consideration pile.
Love-making in the movies, ya right……. enough said.
The one that really does get me everytime is the escape-trip to find yourself. I really believe that those moments I wish were real. “Under the Tuscan Sun” is by far a movie that depicts all reasons to get away. I was just googling yesterday on going to Tuscany. Diane Lane’s character goes there for a trip and stays. The people. The food. The character of the country changes her life. It makes it seem that if you ran away to escape the endless reasons which mostly is break ups and bad decisions that all problems will be changed in a new and unforeseen way. Sigh. Look at Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote “Eat, Pray, Love” and took a journey of a lifetime to discover herself all the while with the intention to write a book. I read a facebook entry of hers or maybe it was the Super Soul Sunday interview that she said people stated that they took the same trip as she did but didn’t find the same kind of change she did. So, you are telling me that Julia Roberts played her in the movie version and that was not a step-by-step account of figuring out your life for the masses. Huh? (My inner soul says lay off the sarcasm.) C’mon, it was a depiction of her life. Plus the movie didn’t capture the greatness of the book. An escape is what you make of it. I could dream of Tuscsny. I can go there. I may or may not live there for the rest of my life. I hope that when I’m there that I can keep the wondernment of its art and history forever alive in my heart. I could go to Bali. I could do the ashram in India. (Actually I couldn’t. No interest in that at all). But escaping is still possibly coming back to the same. It is truly what you change inside. I use to escape in the bathroom when my kids were little because it was the one door that locked to have a 2 minute break from my kids. It was no Tuscany. I guess if I had snuck a bottle of Italian wine and closed my eyes….. no that doesn’t sound good. As for escaping I realize that my life is a choice. I choose to find me in the midst of where we are raising our family. I escape to visits with friends or great laughs with the fam-jam. I may not get to run away to villas in the Italian countryside painting scenery but I could watch the movie again and get carried away in it and drink Italian wine.
Movies are just movies. Entertainment at its finest. Excuse me while I drive my kids to the pool sideways in my mini-van while there is vehicles exploding and as the cast of Glee comes out and starts singing “Ring of Fire” but a pop version. Ya, that’s an escape…..
*Finger Eleven, great Canadian rock band. Check them out.
My darling 6 year old son, Bubby (not his real name), makes me laugh. He at many times surprises me with his grand insight on life. He also makes me wonder about the rules that I am trying to enforce. He is convincing in his arguments and even though I refuse to back down I applaud his efforts.
Here are some examples of our conversations: Continue reading
I read this article to “Reveal your Life’s Purpose by Asking These 15 Questions” by Stephen Parato. http://themindunleashed.org/2015/01/reveal-lifes-purpose-asking-15-questions.html Now, I would normally look at it and think this is great, but I’d never fully answer the questions. But, this time I said I should maybe go for it. Continue reading
I am going to turn 40 this year. So, I had an offer to do the Tough Mudder with a group of ladies that are by far more fit than me. I have let myself go, not all the way, but I have been slacking. I like fitness goals. It gives me something to work for and that works for me. I started researching how in shape I am going to have to be after I said yes. Continue reading