The last time I felt normal was the first week in March. By the 9th it was starting to feel different. The news was blowing up here in Canada and then it is just a spiral of school shutting down, businesses closing, lay offs, toilet paper hoarding, etc. You all know what is happening so I don’t have to keep going.
Personally, I had a tough time the first week. My anxiety was up. The world was shifting and it was hard to make sense out of it. I had my job but, the kids had no school anymore. There was aspects of our lives that stayed the same and other parts that felt flipped over. As time has gone on with the next couple weeks I had felt moments of good with fear creeping in here and there. Continue reading
I’ve sat in fear on taking chances or risks because they wouldn’t work out. I have organized events where no one registers or when no one shows up. I have cried in past. Now, I feel disappointed when people promise and cancel. It takes time for me to organize another thing again. In some ways it’s torture. I feel I have lessons to learn and experience to gain but also I feel like a fool. Vulnerability leads to joy (or so they say) but it’s very uncomfortable along the way.
When issues come up in society there becomes a separation of how people behave. The political climate, the coronavirus and toilet paper issues create some definitive lines in the sand. For someone like me, the common thought for all these issues is fear. Fear that life as we know it might change. Put in a new government and it will be better. It’s not better. They made promises and the global markets didn’t change. Or the virus has caused a stir in people buying out soap, hand sanitizer and toilet paper. It makes you wonder if hand washing or using toilet paper was not being done before the virus.
This has been my pattern. Great ideas are born in my mind in private and solitude. But, planting the seed out in public gets my back up. I have the most random thoughts of someone bad mouthing others about an event I might promote. The truth is that they will ignore it and just not go. If I saw someone who I wasn’t interested in advertising for an event I would just pass it on by and not go around telling others not to go. It takes energy to be negative and no one usually cares that much to waste precious time. Why do I self-sabotage? What is behind the fear of trying? I have had the bad moments happen such as no one showing up. I’ve had poor turnouts and great ones too. I think I am past the point that most know I dabble in some meditation, art or healing. It should be no surprise to most people. I shouldn’t feel awkward about talking spiritual. But, somewhere in the recesses of my mind not taking action rubs me the right way in my currency. Do I feel good for a moment when I don’t try? Do I get some satisfaction of being safe? Or staying comfortable? Do I watch the idea float up inside and it flourish in my imagination to watch it wither and die and disintegrate into thin air?
What is wrong with this picture? Continue reading
We were born and as soon as our soul is placed in our human body we start to forget about our true Essence of what we are to do on Earth. The older we get the more out of touch with our Higher Self we become. We can get easily caught up in the Earthly school and wonder what our purpose is really about.
Then we are given the opportunity to be on the Hero’s Journey. This is based on Joseph Campbell’s from his book The Hero With A Thousand Faces. Joseph never adapted the journey as one that a woman would make. Pffft. Things have changed dear Joseph. But, for the sake of his mythical journey analogy I think it raises the enlightenment of the journey of life. Continue reading
Self-sabotage. Responsibility. Sacrifice. Vulnerability. Fear. Empty. Lack. And Hope.
I went to a healer for my own healing.
I feel like this may be a last blog and testament of me looking back at my past. I am so ready to move on and let those things go. I thought a part of me has let it go, but as I sit on a spiritual plateau especially after this session. I am sure there will be more, but this felt like the big piece for me. In some ways I knew all of this but I guess I needed to hear it all again. Continue reading
*Disclaimer: My life is not dark and dreary. Most of the time I would describe it as neutral, but that is the part of life I am tired of and seek to find more….happiness. The point is to pull down the walls that keep me enclosed.
It is a struggle at times to actively write in my blog. I’m sure there is no one in cyberspace that is disappointed, but I feel it for myself. I’ve mentioned that this blog is like a journal. I go back and read it and sometimes the woman in the post doesn’t feel like me anymore (which is good, letting stuff go) and sometimes she is extremely wise. At times my lack of writing it is because I cannot articulate what I want to say and sometimes I have nothing to say. But, this particular blog has been building up. I have worked on writing it, but the universe didn’t allow it to come to fruition. Until now. Continue reading
I have spent a lot of time working on my spiritual life. I started to pick up on my physical self. I work on my mental health. Mind body spirit has been an important part of my existence. But, I am faced with other’s struggles and with those three things I am at a loss on how to help.
There’s been a lot going on to people around me. Their pain is palpable. My help seems futile. I struggle with doing enough for them, moving ahead with my own life and trying not to implode from my lack. I know that their pain and suffering is not mine but when I reflect during this time it hurts me too. I in no way understand what it is like to have cancer nor have the treatments or be vulnerable to the health system. Continue reading
You get the voice that shares a feeling. It only makes one reference such as “go ask that person out” or “quit your job”. But, the mind comes in wants to see the entire thing. But, that feeling is a preview. The voice can’t tell you why because you’ve never done it before. So, we ignore it and fall into society’s belief that we should talk ourselves out of it. The voice can’t tell you anything more because you’d be moving from faith to certainty. We sabotage our lives and have done everything we can to stop ourselves from thriving.
-paraphrased from Kyle Cease video
I recently have been writing down my ideas in the note section of my phone. And I grapple with the same things that he mentions in this video. I get the idea and it won’t take long but the mind convinces me that I am not enough to complete it or that someone else is doing it and worst of all that no one will show up. Continue reading
Reality. It is such a stark contrast to imagination. The truth compared to story telling. It bares all and I have to look at it. It sucks. Sigh, accept it, but quickly I turn to the story telling part of my brain that wants to make everything okay. But, awareness keeps on teaching me that it isn’t real. The truth is the real deal. No sugar coating, justifying, finger pointing will make the truth any less real. Continue reading