I worked on writing down my goals and desires. I tried to write down the first steps in moving forward and then added some deadlines to get motivated. I faltered there. Ego took over a lot and convinced me that I am crazy for wanting more. I have a good life. I still worked through and wrote it down, but when I stared at them nothing made me feel excited. I flipped the page over and then just wrote down every idea that I have had recently and filled up the page. I felt more excitement. They appeared to be more of a bucket list, but maybe that is what is needed from me. I have so many hopes and dreams and I am not even trying to fulfill them a little bit. Continue reading
There is a space within that resides between your soul and human self. It is the space that I believe is where you can be in best alignment. You see your human experiences going past you like cars on a train. Emotions rise and fall in that place, but it isn’t held there. Your emotions don’t stick in that space. Your old hurts don’t live there either. But what you do hear is the whispers of the soul which direct you to live your best life. It isn’t directing you to riches, houses, cars, etc. it is pushing you to connecting with others and healing.
How do you get to that space? Continue reading
I want to be clear. If I ever give off the impression that I got this whole “life” thing figured out. I do not. I’m sorry if it comes across that way. I would say about half my life I wore a heavy veil over my eyes. I had some natural ability to be a counselor to my friends and trusted my gut without explanation. But, I was heavily shrouded with my outside self and less focused on my true self. Continue reading
I have a routine in the morning and have been doing this for a year. I wake up at 5:15am. I go to the bathroom, grab a glass of water and put on my Bluetooth headphones. I start listening to my meditation while my water boils for coffee. Coffee is made and I sit down and start the mantra and meditation. After that, I drink my coffee. I set the intentions for the day. I then do the reiki self-healing on my own body. I move to the yoga mat and stretch. I do salutation to the suns and ask for the blessings and how can I serve today. I can honestly say that it has changed my life. I wake up that early so that there is no excuses throughout the day that I am too busy. Continue reading
I have a split personality. I have the awareness, spiritual side. That side of my parenting and me as a woman in the world is very calm and peaceful. When she is strongly connected in spirit, surrounded by nature and in harmony she does offer the best advice. She sees her children as these souls experiencing life. She wants them to see themselves as they are and being ok with all of it.
The other side is the ego. It holds the fears. It shows itself mostly with anger, but it has sneaky ways too when I get a great idea and then quickly my brain tells me how I shouldn’t do that. I pass it off as no big deal, but in awareness I realize that was my fears at play. The ego yells at my kids and snots off the lady at the grocery store. It is the reactive place when I am not conscious.
The awareness is starting to be there more and more. Even if the ego starts its rant the awareness kicks in and stops me. I am working on this in my parenting of my children. I am trying to keep it in the forefront that each of my children are individuals and have a purpose here. I cannot impose my dreams on them. I have seen it already in many things. My kids all show athleticism in sports they try. I did too. But, wasn’t allowed the opportunity until I was older to join sport activities. I sent them off to soccer, volleyball, basketball and hockey. There has always been a small voice that says if you did all the training and took them into the elite levels they will make it. Then, the spirit asks is that what they want, or is it what I had wished for? I have to breathe. Is it my dream for them, or their own?
Is success for them based on my expectations?
It truly is the hardest thing to not force confirmation on them. To just allow them to be there and speak to them when I am in my awareness. I was upset with my daughter the other day because of a website she was on. I yelled at first, but soon realized, no that is not what I want to convey here. I immediately calmed my tone and told her the concern and that I wanted her to understand the stranger on the other side of the computer. Underneath all of that I told her, if you are lonely then lets make plans with your friends, or let’s watch the movie you wanted me to watch with you. I want you to focus your connection with real people and not think that connection will come from strangers. We watched the movie. When I spoke to her in the calm voice and tried to see what the real deal was she said to me, I love you. I know that’s her way of saying thank you for seeing me.
I want to help pave the road and open doors for them. But, I want them to choose if it is the road for them or the door to go through. I want them choosing in their awareness. I want them to remember that they’ve had the power all along and not to let them forget that the awareness is what they were born with. We, as a society, put the limitations and the children forget who they truly are to be. We must let them remember.
I took a walk last night around a neighboring town while my daughter was at dance. I don’t live in town and so I find it so interesting to glance in the houses and peek into the owners life if only just for a moment. The poinsettia’s still blooming. The art work on the wall. The hockey game on TV. Continue reading
I examined my life. I felt a freedom in it. I looked at life and realized that I had told the stories to keep it all logical because I didn’t want to feel any of the pain. The raw emotions were vulnerability and back then that was scary. It still has its moments.
Fast forward. I went and saw two different energy healers in a matter of a few days. They each helped in their own way. The first reminded me to keep being curious in my life. There were many things out there that I should look into and add to my life and practice. The second healer reminded me to be brave. What if I woke every morning and asked myself how could I be brave today? He told me to clearly define what it is I want. Homework!! Continue reading
Here I sit. I looked back in my past at some of my most shameful times in Part 2. I sat in the feelings that came up. I pondered all of it for the next few days. I kept reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown. It dawned on me from her book that Part 2 was completely “my story”. It had truth in it, but it was the victimized, selfish story that I have told myself for 20 plus years.
The truth is that looking at Part 2 is that some of it is not real. It felt very real at the time, but I chose to accept all that was said and done to me. I made myself the victim in the story and not the victor. I feel a part of me stayed face down on the arena floor until now. It is time for all of myself to rise up and see it in a clear light. Continue reading
This journey of discovering my vulnerability has made me examine my past. I have struggled with looking back at my life because I have always thought I don’t want to go back there. I don’t live there anymore. I had this belief for a long time, but after visiting a healer she told me that I have my past, especially with my mother, still held inside. I laughed and cried a bit because I thought, haven’t I dealt with this? The healing also brought up vulnerability and how I needed to face the truth about myself. Continue reading
Vulnerability. What does vulnerability mean to me? Brene Brown said it best, “Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection?” I have seen this coming down the pipe for me; why do I fear being vulnerable? Continue reading