A Cry to the Universe

I have been glancing at Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey to try to understand where I am in mine. I felt called, I know I have refused the call and then came back to it. I am now at a point that I am at a threshold of change. I know I am purely on the knowledge that I don’t want to go back, but terrified of moving forward.

Taking the Time

Many of my blog posts get stuck in draft. Some of them don’t get published because I had a thought, but couldn’t get it out and once it takes so long I can’t bother to finish. Others are because I was whining, anger-filled, too much personal content and or possibly hurting someone else.

I read Glennon Doyle’s posts and she is so forthcoming with her life. She is wearing her emotions and talking about the gooey stuff and I am trying to process it on my own. I’m not sure if I could ever be that way. Being open like that is freeing, but I secretly am glad it is her not me. I think of anyone who has the ability to share such personal things as brave, but it can make me uncomfortable. I always thought I was feeling that discomfort for them, but I realize now it brings up discomfort in myself. It pokes at my own wounds.

Growth

The pandemic and the global reaction is like a road block on the path. You know that the road ahead has a sink hole and you cannot pass. So, many stand in line waiting for it to be fixed, but with this many days waiting there has a been a change of how people view this road block. I swing in different directions each day. At times, I understand why we are waiting, but while the economy collapses around us and with each passing day more of us set to lose our jobs with no clear knowing if even if the road is fixed will we be able to go back. And then, I have my dad in a seniors home and don’t want him to be a statistic even he shares with me he is worried that he will get the virus. I understand that right now life is on hold until…. and that unknown date is what is hard to grasp. There is no clear knowing and lifting some of the restrictions and the number skyrocket up is a real threat.

Realities of Self-Isolstion

Yesterday has been my most stressful day on record for me from the Covid-19 effect. It was stressful because I am still working out of the home and have 3 children trying to do online school. The youngest one Facetimed me many times trying to get help with a math worksheets. I had to tell him to stop and move on. But, the problem is that he is not the type of kid that this situation is working. He needs the connection with his teachers and other students. He has a hard time asking for help on a good day and now I had to come home and force him to ask for help on a question and email a teacher. I came home from work to then spend the rest of the evening helping him catch up so that his workload tomorrow is less.

I had tried to lay down the law and my oldest child would be warden this week. I said to get up earlier and get your work done first then fun stuff after. It backfired in some ways. They are more annoyed and wait for me to help finish projects or work but since I’m not there I don’t realize their plan until I’m home.

I want to say that I understand it is new for the teachers and for the children. I feel like I shouldn’t complain and that there is worse things. But, this is my pain. It is my stress. I hit a wall yesterday with trying to work, getting Facetimes I couldn’t answer, taking the calls on my lunch break and then going over my lunch break with my son to then stay late at work to make up for the time. Later, I felt resentful to come home because I wouldn’t be able to unwind and that it was homework for which proceeded to take up the whole evening. Adding to this, the premier came on the news to add to the sad predictions and state of our economy to just drive more fear into my family. I couldn’t talk about it and I couldn’t listen to it anymore. I changed the channel. I went to sleep as soon as I could to just shut off the day. I feel guilty that I am feeling this way. I am grateful for my life and this won’t last, but it is hard on my heart. We each will face our own pain during this time and all is ok to feel. We are each affected differently in our own lives.

On top of all this, my father is in a senior home. They are on lockdown. The libraries are closed now, but before I would get my father large print books to read. So, I got him a tablet, library membership over the phone and then downloaded the app that connects to the ability to download books from the library. It is awesome and I thought this is going to be great. The one problem is that I handed a device to an 87 year old man with no tech savvy skills. At first, he couldn’t flip a page. His fingers were unable to move anything. His hands are dry from all the sanitizing so I said you need a little lotion. Then next call, I don’t know what happened it all disappeared. Now, it is on the wrong page. I want to throw this tablet across the room. Ok, it’s fixed. The next call, I finished the book now how do I get back to the other books. I told him what to do. It isn’t doing anything. We kept discussing and then he was able to do it. He opened the next book and cheered that it said Chapter 1. I have over the years have had to talk others through programs, computer errors, and tech questions, but nothing could have prepared me for this situation. Hahaha. I fully feel for any tech company that has to try to talk someone with no computer experience through an issue over the phone.  I am lucky that it does seem to be working for him, but I wish I could show him face to face a little more. I know he is safe and is taking it seriously, but I pray he stays healthy.

My kids are up and down. They are muddling through their work. They are sad over the missing social interactions. They took for granted that they had school and people before all of this happened. My son misses this a lot. Then, their parents are gone for work and can’t be the support during this time. Then you feel the mom-guilt for resenting the long days this creates for myself.

I really contemplated blogging about this because I know why we are doing this and preventing illness but at the same time it is my truth of my situation. I write my truth on my journey. It is hard sometimes and other times I am so thankful and blessed. We have our jobs right now. We have food. We are healthy and the people we love are healthy right now too. But, my stresses are just as real as anyone else who acknowledges their own feelings.

I remind myself, day by day. We are in this together. The world is still a beautiful place. It won’t last forever. We will never forget and will not take for granted our family and friends we value most.

Be kind.

Spiritual Life in Covid-19

The last time I felt normal was the first week in March. By the 9th it was starting to feel different. The news was blowing up here in Canada and then it is just a spiral of school shutting down, businesses closing, lay offs, toilet paper hoarding, etc. You all know what is happening so I don’t have to keep going.

Personally, I had a tough time the first week. My anxiety was up. The world was shifting and it was hard to make sense out of it. I had my job but, the kids had no school anymore. There was aspects of our lives that stayed the same and other parts that felt flipped over. As time has gone on with the next couple weeks I had felt moments of good with fear creeping in here and there.

My Fears Are True

I’ve sat in fear on taking chances or risks because they wouldn’t work out. I have organized events where no one registers or when no one shows up. I have cried in past. Now, I feel disappointed when people promise and cancel. It takes time for me to organize another thing again. In some ways it’s torture. I feel I have lessons to learn and experience to gain but also I feel like a fool. Vulnerability leads to joy (or so they say) but it’s very uncomfortable along the way.

Fear Rising: Release It

When issues come up in society there becomes a separation of how people behave. The political climate, the coronavirus and toilet paper issues create some definitive lines in the sand. For someone like me, the common thought for all these issues is fear. Fear that life as we know it might change. Put in a new government and it will be better. It’s not better. They made promises and the global markets didn’t change. Or the virus has caused a stir in people buying out soap, hand sanitizer and toilet paper. It makes you wonder if hand washing or using toilet paper was not being done before the virus.

Encounters With Spiritual Guidance

I have to tell you something about my life. It feels vulnerable but there’s a good lesson in this for me.

I recently had a paint night that I planned. Typically, I like when someone or a business plans the event and I just show up. I then only worry about supplies and not the cost of the space or getting the space ready. But, I did it myself because I was pushing myself to do more. I am trying to create more income to help with all the extras of life.

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Chasing Happiness

It’s futile!

You can’t chase happy. It isn’t something to be found but to be created.

I’ve been very mixed up on what happiness is for me. I’ve tried making others happy which I thought would return back to me. No dice. I’ve struggled with happiness thinking it was something to find outside of myself. But what I’ve really learned is happiness comes from within when you are living your authentic true self, following your passions and being filled with gratitude. I am not always doing this. All my crutches that I’ve used to block out the truth are poison and I need to release them. Anything I have told myself to deceive my truth was pulled out from some foggy files of my youth. I felt like I had things figured out but it is what I didn’t want to see which makes it so dangerous. The good feelings of love, joy and happiness elude me and control and fear replaced them

Self-Examination Heals

A healing journey is going to be different for everyone because of life circumstances and what lessons we need to learn. But, there is one thing that is the same for everyone is that our healing begins within. It is me.

When I have spent time in the past being the victim and blaming others it is really annoying when you start having to look at yourself. No one makes you feel guilty, you feel guilty. A person treats you poorly that is about them and then how you respond is about you. At times, if you allow the same poor behavior to be given to you then that is something you are carrying to attract such behavior. Uggghhh!!! Fine.