Yes, I Have Regrets

I worked on writing down my goals and desires. I tried to write down the first steps in moving forward and then added some deadlines to get motivated. I faltered there. Ego took over a lot and convinced me that I am crazy for wanting more. I have a good life. I still worked through and wrote it down, but when I stared at them nothing made me feel excited. I flipped the page over and then just wrote down every idea that I have had recently and filled up the page. I felt more excitement. They appeared to be more of a bucket list, but maybe that is what is needed from me. I have so many hopes and dreams and I am not even trying to fulfill them a little bit.

Loudmouth Be Brave

I refuse to move from this spot until I make another choice. I want to choose as I always have…the choice of staying small. I sit here thinking a miracle will happen but the universe has conspired to stand back and let me choose. I know if I choose the same I’ll end up here in a year in the same exact spot just a different date on the calendar.

If I choose different then I must be vulnerable and face my fears. The fears of getting some attention, failing, falling on my face, rising to new heights and all the other possibilities.

Be Brave

Be brave.

I am anything but.

I distract myself with nothing but seems like everything.

I think too much and then there’s no action.

I need ACTION.

Move forward.

Make goals.

Have failures.

Try.

Take a risk.

Be brave.

 

Fall And Then You Rise

I have been standing still in my life.

Blaming and resisting seemed like the key.

Build a wall.

Protect my wounds.

It was dark and only a small glow came from within.

I started peeling the layers of pain.

More and more to where I stood naked, alone and bare.

“This is who I am” I whispered.

Vulnerable. Afraid. Fear.

There was nothing. The world kept moving in its slow rotational pattern.

“This is me” My voice quivered but was stronger.

More was released from me. Shame. Thinking I was not enough.

I looked at all my worst mistakes and I forgave myself.

I opened my hand to reveal I’ve always held the key.

“This is who I am!!” I shouted.

Freedom. Forward.

Soccer Lessons

I have had a great privilege coaching for 4 years in soccer. I started out as an assistant and then for 2 years took on head coach. I am one of the few women that coach in the higher age groups. It is challenging to work with 13 and 14 year olds. Most days I’m muttering under my breath about puberty and hormones and one day they’ll be normal. I took on the volunteer roles in order for my own daughters to play the sport they love. The first year coaching was with my oldest and then the last 3 years with my middle daughter.

Second Chance

Being a human with a soul is truly a struggle. The confines of our body. The societal pressures to be “normal”. The fears that wreak havoc on our mind keeping us small and unassuming. Getting too comfortable. Confusing to follow your dreams and loving life if you have no followers. The need to document on Snapchat, Instagram or YouTube but never the true self just a well manicured image. We want to be loved and accepted. But, everything we do proves that we don’t. We are scared to be real because it may lead us away to the unknown. This is scary and different. Who do you think you are? You think you’re better then us? People don’t support you they try to bring you down to their level.

Thinking Tower

“Everybody can be great, because everybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. You don’t have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve. You don’t have to know Einstein’s “Theory of Relativity” to serve. You don’t have to know the Second Theory of Thermal Dynamics in Physics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love.”
– Excerpted from “The Drum Major Instinct”, a sermon by Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., 1968.

As I read the quote from Martin Luther King I felt inspired that I could do great soul work too. I was ready to blog. I was ready to share my wisdom…and I had nothing to tell you except more of my pain. I struggled with it because ego says “I’m done with sharing where my fears comes from.” But, the soul whispers “Free your self.”

Remembering

Every year for as long as I can remember I have made the trek to the cemetery. It was the annual honoring (cleaning) of the graves. My father’s family is buried there along with my sister. As a child, I wouldn’t help much. I would check out the graves and calculate the ages and feel sad for the smaller graves of children and babies that had only been days old. It was like a spring time project that we went to each year.  As I grew older though I helped clean. Trim the grass, rake it up, sweep it off the headstones and marble slabs and then wash the dirt off. We visit with other families that had come out to do the same. The next day which would be Sunday, there would be church, lunch in town and then a service at the cemetery. The priest would  go around and bless each grave that was requested.

Inner Space

There is a space within that resides between your soul and human self. It is the space that I believe is where you can be in best alignment.  You see your human experiences going past you like cars on a train. Emotions rise and fall in that place, but it isn’t held there. Your emotions don’t stick in that space. Your old hurts don’t live there either. But what you do hear is the whispers of the soul which direct you to live your best life. It isn’t directing you to riches, houses, cars, etc. it is pushing you to connecting with others and healing.

How do you get to that space?

Sonnet

Dear child, hear my wise voice so loud and clear

Don’t fret teenagers of the trials of school

Be true! Let no one try to create new fear

Rise above and know who you are. Be cool

 

If it is freedom you want then grab hold

The web of lies and labels you must fight

Where? You ask. It is within your soul, be bold

There is a fire there, so pure in light

 

In troubling times, darkness falls on you

But, your soul will shine even brighter then

Many will attempt to make you be blue

Trust the universe, you can’t comprehend

 

One day you’ll graduate, you will feel free

Spread your wings dear one. It’s safe. Believe me.