I have had such a crazy ride discovering my path. I listen to a lot of podcasts and read books to keep me going forward. I’ve asked for direction and the podcasts evolve and I find someone new or even have a random podcast show up that just changes a way of thinking. This is what I learned…
Ego, I have got one. I knew it, but it really is so engrained into how I feel about myself to how I view the world. I am hard on myself. All the things that I have ever mentioned that has happened to me have helped feed the story I have told myself that has kept me feeling less and not trying to obtain my goals.
Divine discomfort is a term I heard that is a lovely description of how I feel lately. The word divine in front of most words makes it sound better than possibly what it is, as though it may be a burden but maybe it is there for a reason. Spiritual definition of divine discomfort is the battle between the part of you that is awake and the part of you that’s asleep. The shadow and the light. The ego and the awareness. The yin and the yang.
I have been putting in the work. Work and more work. Rhianna’s song is ringing really true for me.
I had done a lot of intuitive readings in a month. I’d like to say that it makes more readings come which it did, but for me I instead paused because it is a pattern in me that when things go well I shut it down. Healing them brought more stuff up in me that needed my attention. There is always more to heal, more release and more surrender. I think of my mentor when she said “you can heal people from the place you are at, but if you want to rise up higher you’ll have to do the work.” I don’t think I quite understood what she meant at the time, because I was still wrestling with the ego. But, the realization now is that I have to lift some of these really old pains, hurts and resentments in other areas of my life. They are deeper and riddled with more anger, so it has a lot of resentment tied in that has made me feel guarded and weak. Being the bigger person makes me feel vulnerable. I can get naked in my feelings but also may be the only one standing there while everyone else is judging and criticizing. It actually pains me to think of it.
After all my rambling on yesterday’s post I asked the universe, now what? I felt the pull to get depressed because I just can’t seem to grasp these concepts, but I knew that I’ve tried that and it doesn’t work. I made a couple plans, wrote on my life to-do list, did a workout and went for a walk.
I knew that the ways I have dealt with pain wasn’t going to cut it this time. I knew that I had to go live life and find ways to live joyously every day and not just on a holiday. I did a meditation and released to enjoy the rest of my day.
I’ve noticed some patterns in my life of my rise and crashes. I can come off such a good high and then sabotage my feelings by saying I’m not good enough. It happens a lot to me. For example, I came off doing these readings and feeling amazing. It is like a puzzle piece fell into place and then my momentum falls away. I was hoping after all the good reviews that happened that I could get the ball rolling, but what I notice is that something inside me stops. I also feel I put out a projection of who I am which shows me as embracing lack, unworthiness and inability to allow more than I deserve which isn’t helping me move forward. A book fell in my lap, The Shadow Effect written by Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson and Debbie Ford, and it was exactly what I needed to hear or read at the moment. The shadow can be referred to the ego, or our shameful, vulnerable, or the secretive parts of us, it is the darkness of our human impulses which stops us from being whole, authentic, and feeling at one with the universe. Okay, that’s great. I will get some clarity on why I do the things I do….read book….finish reading…..I understand why I feel such resistance, but now what?
“Wherever you are, that is your platform.” Oprah Winfrey.
I have continually promised the truth in this blog but when I get to a layer of my self that I can barely stand to look at with such obvious shame I stammer to say anything. I read a post from Elizabeth Gilbert about how she struggled as a writer, but never gave up on writing even though she could barely pay her bills and was not published. She said, “I consider those years to be the most generative and important period of my entire creative life. It was a time when I was fully and stubbornly focused on mastering this craft — and I did most of it alone in a small room, looking at a brick wall, with no promise of reward. Nobody cared about the contents of those notebooks except me. I do not recall ever expecting anyone to care. It would not have occurred to me that anyone else was supposed to care.” Continue reading →
I am working through all the readings that I have had people sign up for and I have a break today because it is Family day which is a holiday in my cold, clear-sky province. I want to reflect on the things I have learned since there is something so important about everything that has come up in the readings for the person but also for me, the reader.
My intention was to discover what I want to pursue in my healing for others. I have been listening and reading from other healers and I didn’t connect with what they were doing (medium, angel card reader, etc.), but their advice helped me to push for my own truth. I started with reiki a few years ago because it ended up giving me great insight into my own life. As I worked on people, I was also healing myself. I enjoyed it, but what I enjoyed the most about doing reiki is the messages that I shared with the client. Then, the pandemic hit and everything has changed and the things all of us enjoyed doing can’t be done or is modified which dampers on the feelings of success or power. I took the time to examine my life and especially the pain that I was never allowing to come to the surface and then did the work. I looked at my shadow self and I had to embrace the things about myself that I have not liked and the old pain that was keeping me feeling small. In needed to find acceptance.
The pandemic has made me reflect and so I reflected for months and got tired of it. I had hoped 2021 was bringing about change but it be appears not happening. As I scrolled through TikTok I had an epiphany, I had this time and that I could be more wise about it. I may never see this space, time and place again. I have been listening to podcasts trying to stay inspired, amused and educated. A medium I listen to spoke of her time starting out that she had to gain experience by getting the people to let her read them. She gained knowledge and more confidence with her skills.
I opened up doing readings to my Facebook group and I got a great response. I made the readings free because I wanted to practice on anyone and see what comes up for me. In the end, I want a greater understanding of myself. As payment, the sitter just has to provide feedback or a testimonial that I can use for my page and improve myself as well.
People really can be amazing creatures of energy and also to be so unaware of their power. I am not really “out” in my spiritual ways, but a few of my friends have asked me to help with clearing their homes or issues when a child says they have a visitor spirit that comes at night. I also have been referred to a few that have issues with what is considered a “poltergeist” spirit. They hear things and items appear to be moved or they see something move. It is freaking them out and they think their home is haunted. This occurs when people move into together as roomates and so far between female energies.
If you’ve ever caught up with TikTok and seen any videos on parents with young children showing you all sorts of parental advice that they’ve learned on the fly it can be quite amusing. I mean, it is great that there is some good advice on there, new information that a parent might not have heard before, but it is also filled with people who judge others. If you want to breastfeed, bottle-feed, BM train, let them shit themselves in diapers for 2 years, wean them onto your food choices, expert advising the crap out of parents with your way of doing things and on and on, I think it is your choice to take the advice or scroll past. I know what I did as a parent. I am good with my choices, but that was the lesson I had to learn for myself. I can say now after being a parent for 19 years it wasn’t easy. TikTok advice, just like spiritual advice, if it feels good to you then use it, if it doesn’t then don’t.