If you are on the journey of healing and you wake up to roll out of bed every morning hungry to find about the tangled web that’s weaved over your true self, and then realize that it is messy pile of crap you get to step on each and every day. But, it is the right crap that I want to step in each and every morning if it means that I’m getting to that truth. The hunger has to come from a place that accepts that it will be hard work and what is revealed can feel raw and recent, but it will be entirely worth it.
The healing has led me to some amazing places as well and other parts that break me open. I betrayed myself for others in order to receive love. I tried to make others happy and rejected my own needs. It has taken me a long while to deal with the resentments I have felt, but I feel like I kept repeating to myself that it was me all this time. I have to accept the mistakes I’ve made. I have taken what others have said and then created as my truth in my subconscious. I know the actual times I have betrayed myself, and I know the subtle times I did it as well. I thought that there was no way out. It was too late to break out of the pattern. It made others uncomfortable, and how can I answer the questions when I didn’t know why I want to do what I was doing. I felt bad then I could rationalize all the reasons why I was stuck, but couldn’t choose me.
“I flocked to a spiritual life in order to not deal with my mother wound.” Stares out window. Chews edge of nail bed. I felt that wolf rage in my heart guarding, circling and pacing. Fear rising.
There’s so much to unpackage around this and I am looking at this mother wound like a balled up diaper not knowing if I unravel it if shit will fly out or its a false alarm and dried up like dust. I will give Bethany Webster (her book, Discovering the Inner Mother) credit for helping me gain a huge amount of clarity about the mother wound, and in my case the mother gap. I did chase a spiritual life. I loved to talk about spirit, and helping others with energy healing. I also faltered through it as well. I knew that there was something I was missing about myself and could not gain the clarity on my own. It couldn’t just be lifted or pulled out of me, but hung around my heart like a weight. I know the universe had a plan and knew that I could only hear my truth and shame in small doses. It is true. A discovery like this in other times would have thrown me into a depression.
Rebecca Campbell said, “You can feel scared and still feel safe.” I listened to her book Rise Sister Rise. I hit rewind often. I’d hear something and had to hear it again and then it would go back 30 seconds and allow me to sink deeper into a new thought. It is a book about he Divine Feminine, healing your lineage, loving your sisterhood community, creating rituals, chanting, meditations and honoring your true authentic self. Rise sister rise. I restarted the book again and it am re-inspired by the words that I seemed to miss the first time.
She was very inspiring in my space. I have a difficult time to be a “seller”, and she reminded me that the ‘do as I say and obey’ comes from a patriarch system. I felt that made sense to me on why and how I feel about the majority of coaches out there want to teach me something that never resonates. When I made a choice to relinquish control and try to allow space for my family and the people around me that it feels wrong to then be a pushy seller of my spiritual business. I have a hard time to go back to those old ways. Listening to Rebecca gave me some clarity that I can run my business how I want instead of the “proven” strategies from a masculine energy, which would carry a lack of authenticity. I feel like I have stopped being controlling, the truth is that it lingers and still exists. It is less, but I see it at times. The book reminded me that even when you do the work it is never completely finished those same lessons will come up again and again.
The last thing I would have called myself is a people pleaser, but I have come to discover that is closer to the truth to one of my wounds. I have been asking for my own healing and so it meant that I had to step into the fear of seeing my wounds and shadows. I understand why we grow our ego and cover up our shame with stories. Life events from our past becomes such an illusion and then nothing is your real authentic memory. We say it is others fault why something didn’t work out, even if we had our hand in it. We construct a life in a series of explanations and in all cases we can make it right in our mind. Sigh. My ego has told me that I don’t people please, but that people just let me down because they were wrong and I was right. Blah blah blah justification! In my awakening of being a people pleaser I realized that yes, I am, and I definitely was in denial over it.
There is many things we need in order to follow our purpose in life. The one that we tend to forget is the need to feel awe in this world. It is that experience when your high up on a mountain and in that moment you are in amazement of the earth and its power and glory of colors, sound and sheer size. I realized that in some ways it is why I feel like something is missing and then I have a moment that reminds me of that awe and wonderment of the world. My husband said he wanted to go fishing and it was quite late in the evening and it has been so crazy hot, so I said I’d go paddle boarding while he fished.
I have been working on writing pages, following “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. I will say for me it is a chance to just randomly write which then typically leads to my fears and then I have to pep talk myself through the last of the 3 pages. One thing I have noticed is that I tell myself in these pages that I need to start doing more. I spend a lot of time reading and listening and not enough of actual action. I think it is why after all this time I feel stalled, because knowledge is great but never putting it to work is a waste. Even with my next day planned with bottling wine, going paddleboarding and having supper with a friend that wanted to celebrate her one year cancer free I get anxiety about planning anything. It is never simple to just decide to do something because a voice in my head tells me all the things I should do instead and let me tell you that they are typically things that need to be done, but don’t bring about much satisfaction for me. I think in my pages I had to remind myself that I was doing something for me and that it doesn’t have to be supported by others and that anything I was worried about was not a big deal. I just had to take care of or leave it to later so that I could enjoy myself.
I have had such a crazy ride discovering my path. I listen to a lot of podcasts and read books to keep me going forward. I’ve asked for direction and the podcasts evolve and I find someone new or even have a random podcast show up that just changes a way of thinking. This is what I learned…
Ego, I have got one. I knew it, but it really is so engrained into how I feel about myself to how I view the world. I am hard on myself. All the things that I have ever mentioned that has happened to me have helped feed the story I have told myself that has kept me feeling less and not trying to obtain my goals.
Divine discomfort is a term I heard that is a lovely description of how I feel lately. The word divine in front of most words makes it sound better than possibly what it is, as though it may be a burden but maybe it is there for a reason. Spiritual definition of divine discomfort is the battle between the part of you that is awake and the part of you that’s asleep. The shadow and the light. The ego and the awareness. The yin and the yang.
I have been putting in the work. Work and more work. Rhianna’s song is ringing really true for me.
I had done a lot of intuitive readings in a month. I’d like to say that it makes more readings come which it did, but for me I instead paused because it is a pattern in me that when things go well I shut it down. Healing them brought more stuff up in me that needed my attention. There is always more to heal, more release and more surrender. I think of my mentor when she said “you can heal people from the place you are at, but if you want to rise up higher you’ll have to do the work.” I don’t think I quite understood what she meant at the time, because I was still wrestling with the ego. But, the realization now is that I have to lift some of these really old pains, hurts and resentments in other areas of my life. They are deeper and riddled with more anger, so it has a lot of resentment tied in that has made me feel guarded and weak. Being the bigger person makes me feel vulnerable. I can get naked in my feelings but also may be the only one standing there while everyone else is judging and criticizing. It actually pains me to think of it.
After all my rambling on yesterday’s post I asked the universe, now what? I felt the pull to get depressed because I just can’t seem to grasp these concepts, but I knew that I’ve tried that and it doesn’t work. I made a couple plans, wrote on my life to-do list, did a workout and went for a walk.
I knew that the ways I have dealt with pain wasn’t going to cut it this time. I knew that I had to go live life and find ways to live joyously every day and not just on a holiday. I did a meditation and released to enjoy the rest of my day.