I have to tell you something about my life. It feels vulnerable but there’s a good lesson in this for me.
I recently had a paint night that I planned. Typically, I like when someone or a business plans the event and I just show up. I then only worry about supplies and not the cost of the space or getting the space ready. But, I did it myself because I was pushing myself to do more. I am trying to create more income to help with all the extras of life.
It’s futile!
You can’t chase happy. It isn’t something to be found but to be created.
I’ve been very mixed up on what happiness is for me. I’ve tried making others happy which I thought would return back to me. No dice. I’ve struggled with happiness thinking it was something to find outside of myself. But what I’ve really learned is happiness comes from within when you are living your authentic true self, following your passions and being filled with gratitude. I am not always doing this. All my crutches that I’ve used to block out the truth are poison and I need to release them. Anything I have told myself to deceive my truth was pulled out from some foggy files of my youth. I felt like I had things figured out but it is what I didn’t want to see which makes it so dangerous. The good feelings of love, joy and happiness elude me and control and fear replaced them Continue reading
A healing journey is going to be different for everyone because of life circumstances and what lessons we need to learn. But, there is one thing that is the same for everyone is that our healing begins within. It is me.
When I have spent time in the past being the victim and blaming others it is really annoying when you start having to look at yourself. No one makes you feel guilty, you feel guilty. A person treats you poorly that is about them and then how you respond is about you. At times, if you allow the same poor behavior to be given to you then that is something you are carrying to attract such behavior. Uggghhh!!! Fine. Continue reading
I have been feeling a bit lost. My creativity has suffered. My meditation practice suffered. Then my fear and resentments build. At one point I had to finally say I needed help. I was in a funk which could best be described as feeling restless and annoyed with everything around me. Continue reading
It’s a New Year. I refuse to do a resolution. January 1st doesn’t start my time to change. I do hope that I can keep up with moving more, eating healthy and being more social. I bought a rowing machine (yay me). I have been out snowshoeing and even organized a bunch of ladies to come out to enjoy the trail. I did a quick snowshoe last night before it got dark. I like it since it is fresh air and enjoying what I can of winter.
I thought I would review the decade. I saw that there was this feed on Twitter on people doing the highlights of all their major successes which is great, but doesn’t feel real. If you never really look at it all then it seems to defeat the purpose of how things changed. 10 years ago in 2010 I was 34. I had all my kids. We were married for 10 years and we’re living in a 3 bedroom mobile home for a family of 5. Oldest child would have almost 8, the middle was 6 years old and the youngest was 18 months old. Yikes. Remembering that reminds me that I found that time hard. I worked a bit to have my own money. I knew I was done with having anymore children. The older girls were in school. Continue reading
I want to believe that what others think of me it does not matter. But, it is not truthful. I want approval. Taking chances and risks when you have those moments of pushing past your fear does not always result in success. When you dare to try to rise above your fear you do sense there are people upset that you have exceeded their limited expectations of you. It is that feeling they don’t want you to do better and that is largely because they don’t feel enough. Continue reading
Social media has taken an ugly twist. It reminds me of how sometimes an invention was first created with the intention of good. It began to make life easier, but then just like nuclear power and its capabilities someone says, “let’s make a bomb”. And then what started was one thing turns into our possible demise. Technology is amazing. Smart phones are incredibly smart. But, what started as something to make life easier begins this web of marketing, privacy issues, addiction, spreading lies, big brother watching and of course catch up with friends and community events.
I’m sure when Facebook was created it was just to share and connect. It was harmless. I’m sure Mark Zuckerberg was not twitching his fingers and thinking I will rule the world. It started as a simple idea and then became much bigger than anyone in their college dorm could have believed. Continue reading
I’ve had this week of wanting to give up…trying. I talk all the talk of fighting vulnerability and that I need to take action, but when you take action and then there is nothing that happens with it you question if you are following the right path. Continue reading
I wrote 2 very serious and painful blogs that I left in draft. I’m going to delete them. I’ve mentioned that we have patterns and stories we tell ourselves. In those blogs I wrote of my pain and how my expectations were once again thrown down to the very bottom. I felt so hurt over some actions that I felt winded from the gut shot. I couldn’t post it. I felt that I was throwing someone under the bus and it wasn’t worth it. The next day, still in pain, I wrote another one. It was similar but I was starting to come out of my pain coma and started to see a bit clearly. I articulated myself nicely and couldn’t post that one either. Continue reading
This has been my pattern. Great ideas are born in my mind in private and solitude. But, planting the seed out in public gets my back up. I have the most random thoughts of someone bad mouthing others about an event I might promote. The truth is that they will ignore it and just not go. If I saw someone who I wasn’t interested in advertising for an event I would just pass it on by and not go around telling others not to go. It takes energy to be negative and no one usually cares that much to waste precious time. Why do I self-sabotage? What is behind the fear of trying? I have had the bad moments happen such as no one showing up. I’ve had poor turnouts and great ones too. I think I am past the point that most know I dabble in some meditation, art or healing. It should be no surprise to most people. I shouldn’t feel awkward about talking spiritual. But, somewhere in the recesses of my mind not taking action rubs me the right way in my currency. Do I feel good for a moment when I don’t try? Do I get some satisfaction of being safe? Or staying comfortable? Do I watch the idea float up inside and it flourish in my imagination to watch it wither and die and disintegrate into thin air?
What is wrong with this picture? Continue reading
