One night driving home I was feeling sad that my hubby was feeling off. He had a lot on his plate and was feeling the stress and pressure from it. But, I sometimes get the withheld feelings from him. It bothers me. I saw a shooting star and my first thought was to wish for myself, but I asked that his heart would be lightened. I felt that wish was one that would benefit us all if he had a happier heart. And, he did. Continue reading
What happens when you take a risk and be vulnerable? Well, first you get scared, but because you want to take a risk you look at the fear. You can’t face what you aren’t willing to feel. I heard so many statements that made me want to stay small. I know it isn’t rational so I let it go. The worries decreased and then the focus on the goal took over. Continue reading
I have teenage daughters.
I used to be a teenager. I never think of that time as easy or forgettable. I remember. The struggles and emotional world wind that time was to me is brought back to the surface time and again listening to my daughter’s stories. But, I also know with surety that the time we spend in this hormonal hell hole is short. In the big picture it is clear but I understand when you’re in it that it feels like forever. Continue reading
I recently learned that when I spent a decade in isolation that it was really a depression. I would have never believed it at the time. But, in retrospect I had chosen a man over some so-called friends. And, even though they were not good friends to me because how they fed the dark part of me. I chose escape, but where I ended up was calmer but lonely. I didn’t connect with anyone. I started having babies and the people around me were not having kids. I believed that I just didn’t connect to those people out there so I spent a lot of time alone. It was quiet and lonely. Continue reading
*The only reason I can write this blog is because as I promised from last post that I had to take a risk. I did it. I wrote up a 4 week beginner meditation proposal that I would facilitate and sent it to an organization to see if they would allow me in their space. I sent it and felt naked.
I know we understand what being naked is like in the physical body, but what happens when we strip down the spiritual body? And what are we taking off?
My spiritual body is my soul. As I enter the human body it doesn’t take long for my limitations and walls to start going up. Protections need to be made, boundaries are drawn and labels start to stick which in turn start to block the soul from reaching the space between us and our True Self. Continue reading
I worked on writing down my goals and desires. I tried to write down the first steps in moving forward and then added some deadlines to get motivated. I faltered there. Ego took over a lot and convinced me that I am crazy for wanting more. I have a good life. I still worked through and wrote it down, but when I stared at them nothing made me feel excited. I flipped the page over and then just wrote down every idea that I have had recently and filled up the page. I felt more excitement. They appeared to be more of a bucket list, but maybe that is what is needed from me. I have so many hopes and dreams and I am not even trying to fulfill them a little bit. Continue reading
I refuse to move from this spot until I make another choice. I want to choose as I always have…the choice of staying small. I sit here thinking a miracle will happen but the universe has conspired to stand back and let me choose. I know if I choose the same I’ll end up here in a year in the same exact spot just a different date on the calendar.
If I choose different then I must be vulnerable and face my fears. The fears of getting some attention, failing, falling on my face, rising to new heights and all the other possibilities. Continue reading
Be brave.
I am anything but.
I distract myself with nothing but seems like everything.
I think too much and then there’s no action.
I need ACTION.
Move forward.
Make goals.
Have failures.
Try.
Take a risk.
Be brave.
I have been standing still in my life.
Blaming and resisting seemed like the key.
Build a wall.
Protect my wounds.
It was dark and only a small glow came from within.
I started peeling the layers of pain.
More and more to where I stood naked, alone and bare.
“This is who I am” I whispered.
Vulnerable. Afraid. Fear.
There was nothing. The world kept moving in its slow rotational pattern.
“This is me” My voice quivered but was stronger.
More was released from me. Shame. Thinking I was not enough.
I looked at all my worst mistakes and I forgave myself.
I opened my hand to reveal I’ve always held the key.
“This is who I am!!” I shouted.
Freedom. Forward.
I have had a great privilege coaching for 4 years in soccer. I started out as an assistant and then for 2 years took on head coach. I am one of the few women that coach in the higher age groups. It is challenging to work with 13 and 14 year olds. Most days I’m muttering under my breath about puberty and hormones and one day they’ll be normal. I took on the volunteer roles in order for my own daughters to play the sport they love. The first year coaching was with my oldest and then the last 3 years with my middle daughter. Continue reading
