After all my rambling on yesterday’s post I asked the universe, now what? I felt the pull to get depressed because I just can’t seem to grasp these concepts, but I knew that I’ve tried that and it doesn’t work. I made a couple plans, wrote on my life to-do list, did a workout and went for a walk.
I knew that the ways I have dealt with pain wasn’t going to cut it this time. I knew that I had to go live life and find ways to live joyously every day and not just on a holiday. I did a meditation and released to enjoy the rest of my day.
I’ve noticed some patterns in my life of my rise and crashes. I can come off such a good high and then sabotage my feelings by saying I’m not good enough. It happens a lot to me. For example, I came off doing these readings and feeling amazing. It is like a puzzle piece fell into place and then my momentum falls away. I was hoping after all the good reviews that happened that I could get the ball rolling, but what I notice is that something inside me stops. I also feel I put out a projection of who I am which shows me as embracing lack, unworthiness and inability to allow more than I deserve which isn’t helping me move forward. A book fell in my lap, The Shadow Effect written by Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson and Debbie Ford, and it was exactly what I needed to hear or read at the moment. The shadow can be referred to the ego, or our shameful, vulnerable, or the secretive parts of us, it is the darkness of our human impulses which stops us from being whole, authentic, and feeling at one with the universe. Okay, that’s great. I will get some clarity on why I do the things I do….read book….finish reading…..I understand why I feel such resistance, but now what?
“Wherever you are, that is your platform.” Oprah Winfrey.
I have continually promised the truth in this blog but when I get to a layer of my self that I can barely stand to look at with such obvious shame I stammer to say anything. I read a post from Elizabeth Gilbert about how she struggled as a writer, but never gave up on writing even though she could barely pay her bills and was not published. She said, “I consider those years to be the most generative and important period of my entire creative life. It was a time when I was fully and stubbornly focused on mastering this craft — and I did most of it alone in a small room, looking at a brick wall, with no promise of reward. Nobody cared about the contents of those notebooks except me. I do not recall ever expecting anyone to care. It would not have occurred to me that anyone else was supposed to care.” Continue reading →
I am working through all the readings that I have had people sign up for and I have a break today because it is Family day which is a holiday in my cold, clear-sky province. I want to reflect on the things I have learned since there is something so important about everything that has come up in the readings for the person but also for me, the reader.
My intention was to discover what I want to pursue in my healing for others. I have been listening and reading from other healers and I didn’t connect with what they were doing (medium, angel card reader, etc.), but their advice helped me to push for my own truth. I started with reiki a few years ago because it ended up giving me great insight into my own life. As I worked on people, I was also healing myself. I enjoyed it, but what I enjoyed the most about doing reiki is the messages that I shared with the client. Then, the pandemic hit and everything has changed and the things all of us enjoyed doing can’t be done or is modified which dampers on the feelings of success or power. I took the time to examine my life and especially the pain that I was never allowing to come to the surface and then did the work. I looked at my shadow self and I had to embrace the things about myself that I have not liked and the old pain that was keeping me feeling small. In needed to find acceptance.
The pandemic has made me reflect and so I reflected for months and got tired of it. I had hoped 2021 was bringing about change but it be appears not happening. As I scrolled through TikTok I had an epiphany, I had this time and that I could be more wise about it. I may never see this space, time and place again. I have been listening to podcasts trying to stay inspired, amused and educated. A medium I listen to spoke of her time starting out that she had to gain experience by getting the people to let her read them. She gained knowledge and more confidence with her skills.
I opened up doing readings to my Facebook group and I got a great response. I made the readings free because I wanted to practice on anyone and see what comes up for me. In the end, I want a greater understanding of myself. As payment, the sitter just has to provide feedback or a testimonial that I can use for my page and improve myself as well.
People really can be amazing creatures of energy and also to be so unaware of their power. I am not really “out” in my spiritual ways, but a few of my friends have asked me to help with clearing their homes or issues when a child says they have a visitor spirit that comes at night. I also have been referred to a few that have issues with what is considered a “poltergeist” spirit. They hear things and items appear to be moved or they see something move. It is freaking them out and they think their home is haunted. This occurs when people move into together as roomates and so far between female energies.
If you’ve ever caught up with TikTok and seen any videos on parents with young children showing you all sorts of parental advice that they’ve learned on the fly it can be quite amusing. I mean, it is great that there is some good advice on there, new information that a parent might not have heard before, but it is also filled with people who judge others. If you want to breastfeed, bottle-feed, BM train, let them shit themselves in diapers for 2 years, wean them onto your food choices, expert advising the crap out of parents with your way of doing things and on and on, I think it is your choice to take the advice or scroll past. I know what I did as a parent. I am good with my choices, but that was the lesson I had to learn for myself. I can say now after being a parent for 19 years it wasn’t easy. TikTok advice, just like spiritual advice, if it feels good to you then use it, if it doesn’t then don’t.
I feel like ego is everywhere I am turning in my life. I feel it around me in how I feel when people speak and I feel it inside my mind in how I talk to myself. I wake up in the middle of the might and like a switch in my brain turns on as well and my first thought is this negative one. “Why did you drink that coffee at 2pm? You should have went to sleep earlier.” Or, my worry/fear issue will come up so quickly that I’m wide awake and I can’t turn it off. I instantly have to calm myself and say I’m ok. Sometimes just saying it one time allows me to fall back asleep. Other times, it takes more. I have to wrap myself up in a spiritual hug and give myself the comfort and shush myself from going into a negative chatter.
One of the epiphanies I had in my life stem from being told that negative chatter was holding me back. My first thought years ago was that yes, many people speak in a negative way to me. Days later after an incident that I churned and churned over in my mind over an encounter I realized I was the one that allowed the negative talk in my own mind. I did this a lot to myself. My conflict with another was typically brief, but they would leave and I would rehash it over and over in mind. Playing out every other outcome until, for a moment, I felt satisfied that I won. Problem is that the other person did not know we were still working it out. The other problem was that I didn’t have all this time at the moment and only could handle it the best way I could. I wasn’t satisfied with letting it go after it was done. I wanted to mull it over and be right and to feel the victory of their substandard comebacks. Ugh.
Christmas has come and gone for this year. It has been a strange year. I had a plan from January to March and then something so much larger than me happened that changed everything. I was stunned along with everyone else with the lockdowns, online school fails and a recovering anxious personality so I was feeling the fear and worry around me. I read the Expectation Hangover this year and it definitely has put in perspective the expectations I had of the year and how to try to move forward past the disappointment and stalled out feeling. I was lucky that I remained working, but I longed for things that never could happen. I asked for help from my spiritual entourage with finding healing and peace. I asked for the ability to keep up with the financial stresses. I paid off my vehicle. I still have a job. I have remained blessed. We are truly lucky for all that we have. I was trying to maintain peace and calm during these past few months. I felt I had come to a good place. And then…
Inner child work. This is the last piece of my puzzle on my spiritual healing, for now. I had to do some research about the inner child and there is some different schools of thought on the work that needs to be done.
You can speak to your inner child like a small human that lives inside possibly giving that inner child permission to understand the world more than they knew back then or acknowledge that there was missing emotional care, support and love at times in their young life. Another aspect is to go back to the inner child and remember what it was like to play, their innocence, and the zest for life without the burdens of adulthood. Also, you can view your world from the child perspective but maybe to understand the adults around you now from your own adult self.