Embrace the Shadow

I’ve spoken before about the shadow self. It is where our true desires lurk but have been covered up by the thought of “I’m not enough”. Childhood suggestions and experiences have plagued us into not believing in our self, causing limiting beliefs and otherwise f*cked up our lives.

I listened to Oprah’s podcast with Debbie Ford and was intrigued. I went on the Internet to find out more about what Debbie had to say about the shadow self. It is where our fear lives and where as the great Swiss psychologist C.G. Jung said, “Our shadow is the person we would rather not be.” Or so we think. Because the shadow self is the part of us that needs the most love and instead we run from it.

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Get Still

I have suffered this week.

My dad did not have a good weekend.

His bad weekend put fear in my heart. I worry about him. Then I had to step into action to try to get him help. Of course, I felt weak in my spirit so other things piled up and the anxiety started creeping in until it felt full blown crazy.

Over A Hurdle

I spoke of fear in my last blog post and I overcame a small hurdle. I finished my painting which helps ebb that worry of exposing my art to a new public. Is that the secret? Complete the project anyway even if the road is tough so you can feel the sense of accomplishment.

Wanting More

I get scared a lot. I worry about wasting time. Time running out. Getting caught up in the ego.

I have another art show coming up. It’s exciting and I’m terrified. Am I ruining the experience by being fearful? The worst fears come up such as am I good enough? I can easily talk myself down but inevitably that voice finds time to speak.

Earth Angel

Don’t be afraid to express yourself in art, opinion or love; it all has its place in the universe. – me

I went and picked up my 2 pieces at the art show last month and as I said in a previous post I felt the Curator criticized my work on the opening day. So, when I picked up I spoke with her if I could just take the pieces and was there anything else to do, and she said take them. But, she said to me that the horse painting was the favorite of the show. I thanked her and left. 

There’s No Place Like Home

My father’s wife passed away today.

She had diabetes and dementia. And her health deteriorated as her dementia took over.

Uncomfortable In Art

I wanted to finally write a blog about a small act of bravery then my normal “struggling” posts. Sorry to disappoint, but this one turned into a struggle as well. I had this small excitement about entering this art show. I hadn’t done anything like it and so there was a rise inside and I had little expectations but generally I thought it would bring me happiness. I had put in 5 paintings for consideration and only 2 were chosen. That is fine. I had gone out on a limb just to see if they would choose any and they did. Small happy moment.

I went to drop off the paintings and the Curator was very nice. She asked me, “Are you excited or nervous?” And I replied, “Nervous.” I saw some of the other artwork and felt a little less happy. They were framed and just looked more professional. I mentioned to her that I didn’t realize that I should have framed them and she was like it is fine and it wasn’t important. I had to leave them as they were. I felt some doubt.

Can’t Go Back

I’ve been working on this spiritual awareness stuff for awhile. I struggle. Sometimes I think I want to go back to the heavy veil over my eyes before there was awareness of the bigger picture. So, I let my mind wander back about 9 years ago. I was getting my worse cases of anxiety. My little girls were in elementary school and I struggled with them telling me their struggles. I would have been calling the school more. I would have probably developed some illnesses and depression. I had very little friends in the community and I had a constant war inside of knowing that this wasn’t important, but thinking it was everything. I lived in constant fear. I wanted to make my home a safe and comfortable place, but I know that comfortable isn’t safe at all. You never take a risk and you can’t discover your passion.

Journey Continues

My last post focused on revealing my difficulty with religion. Just as Scott Stabile suggest I had to sit in it for a period of time. I did feel uncomfortable. But, as always when you face your fear it doesn’t seem scary anymore.

Conditions of Childhood

I am digging at the resistance that comes up in my life. I have struggled in my religion for a long time. I was raised by nice parents that were raised this same way. I didn’t know different until I started to see that others did not go to church or celebrated Christmas with Santa and had Easter bunny egg hunts. I don’t care about those things and don’t think I missed out. It isn’t like my mother tackled the dressed up Santa at the local hardware store and refused to let me get a candy cane from him. There was just a tradition of church in all that we did. Early morning Easter mass to get our basket of food blessed or late night Christmas Eve mass. I found it harder when I was young that I didn’t receive much for gifts and was so lucky that an Aunt would always get me a little fun craft to open. I felt embarrassed to tell my friends after the New Year what little I got after hearing all about their huge piles of toys and clothes. I could have mentioned that I was going to heaven and their toys along with them were going into hell, but it would have killed the game of tag we were about to play. Seriously, I honestly didn’t think of them but of myself. It made me realize that we were different and I wasn’t sure if it was good or not.