There’s No Place Like Home

My father’s wife passed away today.

She had diabetes and dementia. And her health deteriorated as her dementia took over.

Advertisements

Uncomfortable In Art

I wanted to finally write a blog about a small act of bravery then my normal “struggling” posts. Sorry to disappoint, but this one turned into a struggle as well. I had this small excitement about entering this art show. I hadn’t done anything like it and so there was a rise inside and I had little expectations but generally I thought it would bring me happiness. I had put in 5 paintings for consideration and only 2 were chosen. That is fine. I had gone out on a limb just to see if they would choose any and they did. Small happy moment.

I went to drop off the paintings and the Curator was very nice. She asked me, “Are you excited or nervous?” And I replied, “Nervous.” I saw some of the other artwork and felt a little less happy. They were framed and just looked more professional. I mentioned to her that I didn’t realize that I should have framed them and she was like it is fine and it wasn’t important. I had to leave them as they were. I felt some doubt.

Can’t Go Back

I’ve been working on this spiritual awareness stuff for awhile. I struggle. Sometimes I think I want to go back to the heavy veil over my eyes before there was awareness of the bigger picture. So, I let my mind wander back about 9 years ago. I was getting my worse cases of anxiety. My little girls were in elementary school and I struggled with them telling me their struggles. I would have been calling the school more. I would have probably developed some illnesses and depression. I had very little friends in the community and I had a constant war inside of knowing that this wasn’t important, but thinking it was everything. I lived in constant fear. I wanted to make my home a safe and comfortable place, but I know that comfortable isn’t safe at all. You never take a risk and you can’t discover your passion.

Journey Continues

My last post focused on revealing my difficulty with religion. Just as Scott Stabile suggest I had to sit in it for a period of time. I did feel uncomfortable. But, as always when you face your fear it doesn’t seem scary anymore.

Conditions of Childhood

I am digging at the resistance that comes up in my life. I have struggled in my religion for a long time. I was raised by nice parents that were raised this same way. I didn’t know different until I started to see that others did not go to church or celebrated Christmas with Santa and had Easter bunny egg hunts. I don’t care about those things and don’t think I missed out. It isn’t like my mother tackled the dressed up Santa at the local hardware store and refused to let me get a candy cane from him. There was just a tradition of church in all that we did. Early morning Easter mass to get our basket of food blessed or late night Christmas Eve mass. I found it harder when I was young that I didn’t receive much for gifts and was so lucky that an Aunt would always get me a little fun craft to open. I felt embarrassed to tell my friends after the New Year what little I got after hearing all about their huge piles of toys and clothes. I could have mentioned that I was going to heaven and their toys along with them were going into hell, but it would have killed the game of tag we were about to play. Seriously, I honestly didn’t think of them but of myself. It made me realize that we were different and I wasn’t sure if it was good or not.

KnOWLedge

I have seen an owl around our place 3 times. When you go from not seeing any to seeing the same one 3 times on different days it makes you pay attention. An owl is truly a magnificent creature. But, the other day someone asked if an owl was a bad omen. Google shows that some cultures believe it shows that change or death is coming. A person sees an owl and then someone close to them dies. I don’t feel that way about this particular sightings of my owl. 

Risk Vs Failure

Risk taking is not something I do. I can’t quite describe all the reasons that I use not to take chances, but it fits into the box marked safe, comfortable and stable.

And then I do something risky for me and it all comes back to me on why I don’t like when taking a risk leads to failure.

I planned 2 weeks in advance. I booked the space for a meditation/healing class. I felt the nerves and excitement for taking a chance to show my self to others. I posted on Facebook it had several shares and people commented to sign them up. I was messaged about it. I had people committed to come. I was happy.

We All Need “MORE”

Internal struggles.

I could never really put my finger on what it was that bothered me about anyone pushing me to do my passion or my work and that I had to step up and out to be “more” of my true self. I struggled a lot because the word “more” was them pushing me to quit my job and then I could make lots of money and live abundantly being a spiritual leader even though I still felt like the student. Nothing they said felt good because it went against everything that felt right inside.

My Pain for Glory

It was late last night and I left my last blog post hanging. It was late. I am not having a good day. I asked the question, how do I hold myself accountable to my path? I realized that feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable seems to be the only way. And comfort causes more issues which seems so contrary to everything a human wants to feel…peace. I decided that when I feel that way it is just an illusion. Real ups and downs are better for me then just staying comfortable.

But, I don’t want to chase the pain away. I don’t want to push it down. I don’t want to eat or drink anything to calm it. I just want to accept it. I want to look at it and feel compassion and love for myself. I want to let it go and leave my body and fill the space with new passion.

Sick and Tired

I recently was at a funeral and the preacher asked, are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? It seem like a strange thing to talk about at a funeral but he was trying to get the congregation an option about their difficult lives and think about spending time with Christ. He knows the way. He will lead you to your true destiny. I listened and I thought at the time it did not apply to me. Then it dawned on me days later that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and not that I am physically sick or not that I am physically tired it’s just that I am sick and tired of being stuck in the same place.