A Guide to Divine A**holes

I have a big love of podcasts and today was no different and sometimes it sparks a new thought or sometimes it ties together what the universe has been trying to get me to notice. I have been aware of my wounds and my fears so listening to Gabrielle Bernstein today was another opportunity to look at those wounds and keep healing.

*Warning: if you have an aversion to the word asshole, you won’t like this post… Continue reading


Happens For a Reason

I’m still here.

It is an unusual time for me. I noticed that I haven’t really chatted with any friends. I’m not bothered by it. But, it all happened at the same time which made me notice it. And then I read that you need isolation to have a shift happen in your life. Isolation always felt scary like being alone is the worst thing that can happen, but I’ve learned being at peace by myself is a gift. Continue reading

Second Chance

Being a human with a soul is truly a struggle. The confines of our body. The societal pressures to be “normal”. The fears that wreak havoc on our mind keeping us small and unassuming. Getting too comfortable. Confusing to follow your dreams and loving life if you have no followers. The need to document on Snapchat, Instagram or YouTube but never the true self just a well manicured image. We want to be loved and accepted. But, everything we do proves that we don’t. We are scared to be real because it may lead us away to the unknown. This is scary and different. Who do you think you are? You think you’re better then us? People don’t support you they try to bring you down to their level. Continue reading

Inner Space

There is a space within that resides between your soul and human self. It is the space that I believe is where you can be in best alignment.  You see your human experiences going past you like cars on a train. Emotions rise and fall in that place, but it isn’t held there. Your emotions don’t stick in that space. Your old hurts don’t live there either. But what you do hear is the whispers of the soul which direct you to live your best life. It isn’t directing you to riches, houses, cars, etc. it is pushing you to connecting with others and healing.

How do you get to that space? Continue reading

Love Jack

We got a new baby. He is so soft and sweet. His eyes are filled with knowledge. The kids are so happy when we brought him home. We connected and I had such high hopes that the transition of our new little guy into the family would be a pleasant one. It was. And then the reality hits the family that this is work. Our little baby has sharp teeth. He chews on everything. I’ve dug plastic wrappers, rocks, clumps of dirt out of his mouth trying to dodge the fangs in the process. Continue reading

Mommy Love

So, I hear from my friend who tells me that she thinks I should open up my heart more. I recently related to all of you that I have this feeling of distance in my heart. But, after more contemplation I know there is love in all things. I love my little family. I have said to my children that I wanted to have more connection between all of us. Get off the ipods and computers and talk to one another. They really stepped up. Continue reading


I was getting ready for a fundraising event and I had my phone playing music. A slow song came on and I let it play not thinking much about it. The song was over and it repeated. No songs had repeated up to that point, and no song repeated after. It was strange. The song was, “I Believe in Love”. It made me ask, do I believe in love? Continue reading

Part 3 Examine My Life


Here I sit. I looked back in my past at some of my most shameful times in Part 2. I sat in the feelings that came up. I pondered all of it for the next few days. I kept reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown. It dawned on me from her book that Part 2 was completely “my story”. It had truth in it, but it was the victimized, selfish story that I have told myself for 20 plus years.

The truth is that looking at Part 2 is that some of it is not real. It felt very real at the time, but I chose to accept all that was said and done to me. I made myself the victim in the story and not the victor. I feel a part of me stayed face down on the arena floor until now. It is time for all of myself to rise up and see it in a clear light. Continue reading

Part 2 Examine My Life

*As I have said in Part I, I do not blame anyone in my past nor wish them ill feelings that they could have said or done anything to change the outcome of my life. I acknowledge that I made bad choices. This blog is clearly my perception of my life at that time and seeing it with fresh eyes right now, because at the time my eyes were closed.

From Part I Examing My Life: In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt gave the speech which contained the line, “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcomings….” Brene Brown talks about this speech in her book ‘Rising Strong’. She says that we don’t focus on when we are face down on the arena floor; society only wants to hear when you graze over the battle and talk about when you rose back up. We love the victorious stories the best. The face down on the arena floor is the part that I have not wanted to face. I didn’t want to focus when I was in my biggest despairs because it hurts to go back to it. But, why I need to do it this time is to release all the pain I buried there.

I can picture the room that my mother spent her last couple months in. I picture myself sitting back in there with her on the bed and I cry. I think at the time I felt numb. I felt like the elephant followed us to that room. There was so little said and so little closure. My mother showed me her anger. She showed her pain. I just ate it all. I can’t even recall if I told myself that it wasn’t true what she was saying. I know she had cancer and was on pain meds, but it was only me out of my whole family she took it out on. Honestly, it has haunted me all these years. It felt like our last memories together was her saying she was disappointed in me. I was no good. There was a better daughter out there and she ended up with me. My dad just passed it off as she doesn’t know what she is saying, but I think she did. I thought of it like her being drunk and saying what she really thought. Dismissing it never took away the pain of it. Trying to forgive someone who never said anything nice after those words could not change my heart. Continue reading

How Did I Get Here?

I got here, because I didn’t fit in. I tried. Dear Lord, I tried to fit the “normal” people, but I couldn’t act cute, spunky, or be sexy. I wasn’t willing to conform. Conformity was death to me. Fitting in was no match for the hatred I had for giving in.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a level of “pretend” in my life. I pretended I was ok and that was enough to satisfy the peers. I had a level of conformity, but it was simple; don’t be weird. Be funny. Be high energy. Be a friend. But, under no circumstances show your true self to these people. What I truly learned about myself from child through to my teens is that when you unsure about your place in your community then you internalize it to be a bad part of you. When in fact, it actually demonstrates what is wrong with society.

I always had a calling to this light that was deeper and stronger then I could understand. I was the strange girl that would not side with you just to make you happy but point out both sides of the situation. I was the teen counsellor to my friends. My mother hated this because we had a party line (shared a phone line with our neighbor) and anyone who called either residence was getting a busy signal. I was an excellent listener and had a Dr. Phil flare with a tell it like it is long before he made his debut on TV. This never changed over the years. I would always regard this as people would talk and I could hear what they weren’t saying. The problem is that most people were speaking in half truths for a reason. They did not want some girl telling them their truth out loud. The reactions were not nice, but I didn’t know that just because I heard it didn’t mean I should say it. I feel like I see their story and can see the bottom layer on where stuff started for them, but again most people aren’t ready to hear the truth unless they are in search of healing.

But this calling was too strange sometimes and I would mask it with parties and drinking. I tried my best to put out the flame of light inside me. I covered it up as much as possible. And then, it all fell apart and the flame appeared to be snuffed out. My mother was sick and later died. I had an Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love moment of break down lying on the floor and instead of not wanting to be married or have babies as Elizabeth felt; I instead I didn’t want to be dealing with this at my young age. In the year after her death, I had kept my life as dull as I could with alcohol. .

So, I kept partying. I met a guy and he was a good sign in my life. But, there came a point that he reached out his hand and offered it to me. He wanted me to settle down and sober up. It was like a door opened and it felt like it could save me. I thought I’d feel euphoric entering into that choice, but instead I lost everything. My friends were gone. I chose the guy and I was black-balled from my “normal” life. I never felt so alone. The guy remained steady, but I felt lonely and isolated. This lasted several years. In wasn’t all for nothing because this is where I started searching for spiritual growth. The flame I thought was gone it came back around where I had strange comfort in the fire I was building within. It reminded me when I was younger before the teen years when I still felt that being myself was cool or at least a small version of my Self. I circled around in this private world. I got married and had children. I kept to myself until I had no choice because the universe has a bigger plan for me.

My children grew up. I hesitated at every classroom door for every class party. I felt the same at every family function. They all thought they knew who I was, and I knew they were wrong. But, nothing made me want to tell the truth. It took me a long decade to have true friends. I have the most amazing group of people in my life now. But, I am the one that has the answers but I am the worst offender of not taking my own advice. How do you truly tell others to live their best life when you too scared to do the work that you are passionate about? Fear. How do you have such good friends but they know that deep down you aren’t telling them the truth of who you really are? Unworthiness.

And now here I am. I have been shaken to my core to live up to the potential and I still hesitate. Am I willing to knock down the wall to be free? The obvious answer should be yes. But, what would that really take? I have championed for others but I don’t do the same thing for myself. Why do I not think to put myself first? To put my goals as a priority? To love myself like I would my child? To want the best for me? I am in fear of achieving my goals. I know how to give love, but don’t give it back to myself. I have never done this before so how do I begin? And that is where I start….