Being a human with a soul is truly a struggle. The confines of our body. The societal pressures to be “normal”. The fears that wreak havoc on our mind keeping us small and unassuming. Getting too comfortable. Confusing to follow your dreams and loving life if you have no followers. The need to document on Snapchat, Instagram or YouTube but never the true self just a well manicured image. We want to be loved and accepted. But, everything we do proves that we don’t. We are scared to be real because it may lead us away to the unknown. This is scary and different. Who do you think you are? You think you’re better then us? People don’t support you they try to bring you down to their level. Continue reading
There is a space within that resides between your soul and human self. It is the space that I believe is where you can be in best alignment. You see your human experiences going past you like cars on a train. Emotions rise and fall in that place, but it isn’t held there. Your emotions don’t stick in that space. Your old hurts don’t live there either. But what you do hear is the whispers of the soul which direct you to live your best life. It isn’t directing you to riches, houses, cars, etc. it is pushing you to connecting with others and healing.
How do you get to that space? Continue reading
We got a new baby. He is so soft and sweet. His eyes are filled with knowledge. The kids are so happy when we brought him home. We connected and I had such high hopes that the transition of our new little guy into the family would be a pleasant one. It was. And then the reality hits the family that this is work. Our little baby has sharp teeth. He chews on everything. I’ve dug plastic wrappers, rocks, clumps of dirt out of his mouth trying to dodge the fangs in the process. Continue reading
So, I hear from my friend who tells me that she thinks I should open up my heart more. I recently related to all of you that I have this feeling of distance in my heart. But, after more contemplation I know there is love in all things. I love my little family. I have said to my children that I wanted to have more connection between all of us. Get off the ipods and computers and talk to one another. They really stepped up. Continue reading
I was getting ready for a fundraising event and I had my phone playing music. A slow song came on and I let it play not thinking much about it. The song was over and it repeated. No songs had repeated up to that point, and no song repeated after. It was strange. The song was, “I Believe in Love”. It made me ask, do I believe in love? Continue reading
Here I sit. I looked back in my past at some of my most shameful times in Part 2. I sat in the feelings that came up. I pondered all of it for the next few days. I kept reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown. It dawned on me from her book that Part 2 was completely “my story”. It had truth in it, but it was the victimized, selfish story that I have told myself for 20 plus years.
The truth is that looking at Part 2 is that some of it is not real. It felt very real at the time, but I chose to accept all that was said and done to me. I made myself the victim in the story and not the victor. I feel a part of me stayed face down on the arena floor until now. It is time for all of myself to rise up and see it in a clear light. Continue reading
*As I have said in Part I, I do not blame anyone in my past nor wish them ill feelings that they could have said or done anything to change the outcome of my life. I acknowledge that I made bad choices. This blog is clearly my perception of my life at that time and seeing it with fresh eyes right now, because at the time my eyes were closed.
From Part I Examing My Life: In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt gave the speech which contained the line, “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcomings….” Brene Brown talks about this speech in her book ‘Rising Strong’. She says that we don’t focus on when we are face down on the arena floor; society only wants to hear when you graze over the battle and talk about when you rose back up. We love the victorious stories the best. The face down on the arena floor is the part that I have not wanted to face. I didn’t want to focus when I was in my biggest despairs because it hurts to go back to it. But, why I need to do it this time is to release all the pain I buried there.
I can picture the room that my mother spent her last couple months in. I picture myself sitting back in there with her on the bed and I cry. I think at the time I felt numb. I felt like the elephant followed us to that room. There was so little said and so little closure. My mother showed me her anger. She showed her pain. I just ate it all. I can’t even recall if I told myself that it wasn’t true what she was saying. I know she had cancer and was on pain meds, but it was only me out of my whole family she took it out on. Honestly, it has haunted me all these years. It felt like our last memories together was her saying she was disappointed in me. I was no good. There was a better daughter out there and she ended up with me. My dad just passed it off as she doesn’t know what she is saying, but I think she did. I thought of it like her being drunk and saying what she really thought. Dismissing it never took away the pain of it. Trying to forgive someone who never said anything nice after those words could not change my heart. Continue reading
I got here, because I didn’t fit in. I tried. Dear Lord, I tried to fit the “normal” people, but I couldn’t act cute, spunky, or be sexy. I wasn’t willing to conform. Conformity was death to me. Fitting in was no match for the hatred I had for giving in.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a level of “pretend” in my life. I pretended I was ok and that was enough to satisfy the peers. I had a level of conformity, but it was simple; don’t be weird. Be funny. Be high energy. Be a friend. But, under no circumstances show your true self to these people. What I truly learned about myself from child through to my teens is that when you unsure about your place in your community then you internalize it to be a bad part of you. When in fact, it actually demonstrates what is wrong with society.
I always had a calling to this light that was deeper and stronger then I could understand. I was the strange girl that would not side with you just to make you happy but point out both sides of the situation. I was the teen counsellor to my friends. My mother hated this because we had a party line (shared a phone line with our neighbor) and anyone who called either residence was getting a busy signal. I was an excellent listener and had a Dr. Phil flare with a tell it like it is long before he made his debut on TV. This never changed over the years. I would always regard this as people would talk and I could hear what they weren’t saying. The problem is that most people were speaking in half truths for a reason. They did not want some girl telling them their truth out loud. The reactions were not nice, but I didn’t know that just because I heard it didn’t mean I should say it. I feel like I see their story and can see the bottom layer on where stuff started for them, but again most people aren’t ready to hear the truth unless they are in search of healing.
But this calling was too strange sometimes and I would mask it with parties and drinking. I tried my best to put out the flame of light inside me. I covered it up as much as possible. And then, it all fell apart and the flame appeared to be snuffed out. My mother was sick and later died. I had an Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love moment of break down lying on the floor and instead of not wanting to be married or have babies as Elizabeth felt; I instead I didn’t want to be dealing with this at my young age. In the year after her death, I had kept my life as dull as I could with alcohol. .
So, I kept partying. I met a guy and he was a good sign in my life. But, there came a point that he reached out his hand and offered it to me. He wanted me to settle down and sober up. It was like a door opened and it felt like it could save me. I thought I’d feel euphoric entering into that choice, but instead I lost everything. My friends were gone. I chose the guy and I was black-balled from my “normal” life. I never felt so alone. The guy remained steady, but I felt lonely and isolated. This lasted several years. In wasn’t all for nothing because this is where I started searching for spiritual growth. The flame I thought was gone it came back around where I had strange comfort in the fire I was building within. It reminded me when I was younger before the teen years when I still felt that being myself was cool or at least a small version of my Self. I circled around in this private world. I got married and had children. I kept to myself until I had no choice because the universe has a bigger plan for me.
My children grew up. I hesitated at every classroom door for every class party. I felt the same at every family function. They all thought they knew who I was, and I knew they were wrong. But, nothing made me want to tell the truth. It took me a long decade to have true friends. I have the most amazing group of people in my life now. But, I am the one that has the answers but I am the worst offender of not taking my own advice. How do you truly tell others to live their best life when you too scared to do the work that you are passionate about? Fear. How do you have such good friends but they know that deep down you aren’t telling them the truth of who you really are? Unworthiness.
And now here I am. I have been shaken to my core to live up to the potential and I still hesitate. Am I willing to knock down the wall to be free? The obvious answer should be yes. But, what would that really take? I have championed for others but I don’t do the same thing for myself. Why do I not think to put myself first? To put my goals as a priority? To love myself like I would my child? To want the best for me? I am in fear of achieving my goals. I know how to give love, but don’t give it back to myself. I have never done this before so how do I begin? And that is where I start….
I had a shift in my mind. It initially drew out sadness because it wasn’t the first time I had heard this information. But, I soon realized that it is a key to unlock a door for me. A while ago I had watched Elizabeth Gilbert on a Super Soul Sunday and she talked about how you are given these nudges and inspiration to lead you on your path. If we ignore it then it will stop. Your muse will go silent in its attempts to shed light to your passions. I sat up straighter at that time thinking of that. I had read her book “Big Magic” and felt that need to do stuff. But, I always stop because the “stuff” that I am inspired by is out of my comfort zone. I get fearful of trying. I can accept failure. I can accept success. But, what usually keeps me gripping my glass of wine in the confines of my home is just the willingness to try.
Last night I am reading “Ask Your Guides” by Sonia Choquette. There’s a brief chapter about this same thing. Your guides will give you inspiration, but if you don’t act on it then it may move onto another open soul that is more willing to do it. Or the idea will just die along with your lack of attempt. The sadness came upon me and a bit of shame. I got a small flashback of all the ideas I have ever had and that is how they stayed. It is like I can see the idea and then my mind runs through it. It seems so good and I feel happy and if I don’t do it right then and there that is exactly how far it will go. The other aspect that Sonia talks about is how you may have had an idea and then never acted upon it, but then later see that someone else did and had great success. You get that sense that they stole it from you, but reality is that they were inspired and did it.
The sadness couldn’t stay for long and so I reminded myself that hearing this same message again and again is a blessing. It means that my guides haven’t given up on me. They are hoping that I get it sooner, but are good with later. I just haven’t taken the inspiration seriously. But, I have realized that it is like they give me a gift and I set it on the table and never look at it again. I really need to sit with it and decide to do something with it. Yes, sometimes I will still not be able to do it, but there are times that I make up excuses not to do it and mostly just tell myself I will have time later. I’ve been waiting for later my whole life. When I get the time I don’t have the time.
Since my fears have been so unassuming for so long it is hard to recognize them as a bad thing. They always seem so protective from harm, but all they seem to do is make a life not worth living. Fear to try. Fear to look like a fool. Fear to be turned to for the answers. Fear of hatred. Fear of love. And so I ask for help to take these fears away and inspire me so greatly that I will have no way to say no.
I’ve used this term “planting a seed” quite often recently. I had told a friend who was frustrated that she couldn’t get out of old habits. I said in awareness the seed is planted and just like a real seed the plant doesn’t grow overnight. It takes time and nurturing of self to see the growth. If you keep being kind in the change to yourself and the acceptance then great changes are made. A seed in this circumstance is planting a new idea in my mind or maybe yours. It can be asking for what you want and releasing it out to the universe. The seed is the beginning and the end. In real seed life span, you use it to plant but then the seeds are reproduced to keep spreading. Is the seeds you are spreading like weeds infesting other plants or is your seeds planted with love and beauty in mind?
We plant seeds every day in our children. I’ve noticed sometimes the seeds I’ve given out myself have had to be removed because I’ve realized it was damaging and there are times it’s too late for me to change it. I may have to ask for forgiveness and forgive myself. These gardens can easily become infested with garbage thoughts and also can flourish into incredible beauty. But, both needs care and attention. My role as their mom has made me question if I’m the garden attendant or the gardener. But I’m just a seed planter. I hope that a remark or kind word or by my actions will stimulate new growth for them. It can quickly change because my child doesn’t guard their garden and someone comes in and destroys what has been created. Or they plant new seeds that may or may not help. My role is simple that I must teach them how the garden works. It starts with our self.
It’s a crazy seed gardening trip. It’s so easily manipulated and changed. So I focus on planting seeds with great love and to make great positive change. In every action and interaction we are planting seeds among people we are in contact with everyday. Be considerate of those actions and either you are adding beauty and possibly destroying it. Choose well.