Taking the Time

Many of my blog posts get stuck in draft. Some of them don’t get published because I had a thought, but couldn’t get it out and once it takes so long I can’t bother to finish. Others are because I was whining, anger-filled, too much personal content and or possibly hurting someone else.

I read Glennon Doyle’s posts and she is so forthcoming with her life. She is wearing her emotions and talking about the gooey stuff and I am trying to process it on my own. I’m not sure if I could ever be that way. Being open like that is freeing, but I secretly am glad it is her not me. I think of anyone who has the ability to share such personal things as brave, but it can make me uncomfortable. I always thought I was feeling that discomfort for them, but I realize now it brings up discomfort in myself. It pokes at my own wounds. Continue reading

Growth

The pandemic and the global reaction is like a road block on the path. You know that the road ahead has a sink hole and you cannot pass. So, many stand in line waiting for it to be fixed, but with this many days waiting there has a been a change of how people view this road block. I swing in different directions each day. At times, I understand why we are waiting, but while the economy collapses around us and with each passing day more of us set to lose our jobs with no clear knowing if even if the road is fixed will we be able to go back. And then, I have my dad in a seniors home and don’t want him to be a statistic even he shares with me he is worried that he will get the virus. I understand that right now life is on hold until…. and that unknown date is what is hard to grasp. There is no clear knowing and lifting some of the restrictions and the number skyrocket up is a real threat. Continue reading

Realities of Self-Isolstion

Yesterday has been my most stressful day on record for me from the Covid-19 effect. It was stressful because I am still working out of the home and have 3 children trying to do online school. The youngest one Facetimed me many times trying to get help with a math worksheets. I had to tell him to stop and move on. But, the problem is that he is not the type of kid that this situation is working. He needs the connection with his teachers and other students. He has a hard time asking for help on a good day and now I had to come home and force him to ask for help on a question and email a teacher. I came home from work to then spend the rest of the evening helping him catch up so that his workload tomorrow is less.

I had tried to lay down the law and my oldest child would be warden this week. I said to get up earlier and get your work done first then fun stuff after. It backfired in some ways. They are more annoyed and wait for me to help finish projects or work but since I’m not there I don’t realize their plan until I’m home.

I want to say that I understand it is new for the teachers and for the children. I feel like I shouldn’t complain and that there is worse things. But, this is my pain. It is my stress. I hit a wall yesterday with trying to work, getting Facetimes I couldn’t answer, taking the calls on my lunch break and then going over my lunch break with my son to then stay late at work to make up for the time. Later, I felt resentful to come home because I wouldn’t be able to unwind and that it was homework for which proceeded to take up the whole evening. Adding to this, the premier came on the news to add to the sad predictions and state of our economy to just drive more fear into my family. I couldn’t talk about it and I couldn’t listen to it anymore. I changed the channel. I went to sleep as soon as I could to just shut off the day. I feel guilty that I am feeling this way. I am grateful for my life and this won’t last, but it is hard on my heart. We each will face our own pain during this time and all is ok to feel. We are each affected differently in our own lives.

On top of all this, my father is in a senior home. They are on lockdown. The libraries are closed now, but before I would get my father large print books to read. So, I got him a tablet, library membership over the phone and then downloaded the app that connects to the ability to download books from the library. It is awesome and I thought this is going to be great. The one problem is that I handed a device to an 87 year old man with no tech savvy skills. At first, he couldn’t flip a page. His fingers were unable to move anything. His hands are dry from all the sanitizing so I said you need a little lotion. Then next call, I don’t know what happened it all disappeared. Now, it is on the wrong page. I want to throw this tablet across the room. Ok, it’s fixed. The next call, I finished the book now how do I get back to the other books. I told him what to do. It isn’t doing anything. We kept discussing and then he was able to do it. He opened the next book and cheered that it said Chapter 1. I have over the years have had to talk others through programs, computer errors, and tech questions, but nothing could have prepared me for this situation. Hahaha. I fully feel for any tech company that has to try to talk someone with no computer experience through an issue over the phone.  I am lucky that it does seem to be working for him, but I wish I could show him face to face a little more. I know he is safe and is taking it seriously, but I pray he stays healthy.

My kids are up and down. They are muddling through their work. They are sad over the missing social interactions. They took for granted that they had school and people before all of this happened. My son misses this a lot. Then, their parents are gone for work and can’t be the support during this time. Then you feel the mom-guilt for resenting the long days this creates for myself.

I really contemplated blogging about this because I know why we are doing this and preventing illness but at the same time it is my truth of my situation. I write my truth on my journey. It is hard sometimes and other times I am so thankful and blessed. We have our jobs right now. We have food. We are healthy and the people we love are healthy right now too. But, my stresses are just as real as anyone else who acknowledges their own feelings.

I remind myself, day by day. We are in this together. The world is still a beautiful place. It won’t last forever. We will never forget and will not take for granted our family and friends we value most.

Be kind.

Decade in Review

It’s a New Year. I refuse to do a resolution. January 1st doesn’t start my time to change. I do hope that I can keep up with moving more, eating healthy and being more social. I bought a rowing machine (yay me). I have been out snowshoeing and even organized a bunch of ladies to come out to enjoy the trail. I did a quick snowshoe last night before it got dark. I like it since it is fresh air and enjoying what I can of winter.

I thought I would review the decade. I saw that there was this feed on Twitter on people doing the highlights of all their major successes which is great, but doesn’t feel real. If you never really look at it all then it seems to defeat the purpose of how things changed. 10 years ago in 2010 I was 34. I had all my kids. We were married for 10 years and we’re living in a 3 bedroom mobile home for a family of 5. Oldest child would have almost 8, the middle was 6 years old and the youngest was 18 months old. Yikes. Remembering that reminds me that I found that time hard. I worked a bit to have my own money. I knew I was done with having anymore children. The older girls were in school. Continue reading

Bad Mom Moments

Your truth is what heals.

Gabrielle Bernstein

I’m a mess lately. I want to be the mom from the family sitcom. In a half hour I have solved a problem and gotten a few laughs. But, life isn’t like that at all. The kids don’t memorize their lines, drama goes on for days at a time and I don’t feel the happy ending at the end of the day. Continue reading

Parental Advice

I recently listened to a podcast with Oprah and Dr. Shefali Tsabary on Super Soul conversations. It was well timed since it had to do with  conscious parenting. I had recently been at the provincial hockey tournament over the weekend and I am going to say that there is a lot of unconscious parenting going on. The team that ended up winning had a coach that swore and yelled. He dragged a player down to the net when it was time for handshakes because he blamed that child for us getting a goal. The worst part is that they won the game. He yelled at a child and the kid covered his ears with his gloves. Perspective on this is that these kids are 9-10 years old. Later, this same team Continue reading

Conditions of Childhood

I am digging at the resistance that comes up in my life. I have struggled in my religion for a long time. I was raised by nice parents that were raised this same way. I didn’t know different until I started to see that others did not go to church or celebrated Christmas with Santa and had Easter bunny egg hunts. I don’t care about those things and don’t think I missed out. It isn’t like my mother tackled the dressed up Santa at the local hardware store and refused to let me get a candy cane from him. There was just a tradition of church in all that we did. Early morning Easter mass to get our basket of food blessed or late night Christmas Eve mass. I found it harder when I was young that I didn’t receive much for gifts and was so lucky that an Aunt would always get me a little fun craft to open. I felt embarrassed to tell my friends after the New Year what little I got after hearing all about their huge piles of toys and clothes. I could have mentioned that I was going to heaven and their toys along with them were going into hell, but it would have killed the game of tag we were about to play. Seriously, I honestly didn’t think of them but of myself. It made me realize that we were different and I wasn’t sure if it was good or not. Continue reading

Lightbulb Moment

I had an epiphany yesterday driving to the hockey arena. The arena has really wonderful people in it, but also very high-energy, competitive, controlling, manipulative people there too. It got me thinking about all the varied personalities on the way there for the second time that day because of our hockey tournament. Continue reading

Soccer Lessons

I have had a great privilege coaching for 4 years in soccer. I started out as an assistant and then for 2 years took on head coach. I am one of the few women that coach in the higher age groups. It is challenging to work with 13 and 14 year olds. Most days I’m muttering under my breath about puberty and hormones and one day they’ll be normal. I took on the volunteer roles in order for my own daughters to play the sport they love. The first year coaching was with my oldest and then the last 3 years with my middle daughter. Continue reading

Eat Your Vegetables

There isn’t anything more hilarious then my children and their antics. We just can’t go through the day without someone saying or doing something that makes me shake my head or laugh out loud.

It starts innocently. I make supper. I try to make variations in those meals. I try to buy different veggies and even fruits for them to try. We had asparagus tonight. My husband and I like it. One daughter eats it. Other daughter tries not to take any. I put one on my son’s plate. So, he eats everything else but leaves the lonely asparagus. He wants ice cream. I say you have to eat the green thing first. Continue reading