I recently learned that when I spent a decade in isolation that it was really a depression. I would have never believed it at the time. But, in retrospect I had chosen a man over some so-called friends. And, even though they were not good friends to me because how they fed the dark part of me. I chose escape, but where I ended up was calmer but lonely. I didn’t connect with anyone. I started having babies and the people around me were not having kids. I believed that I just didn’t connect to those people out there so I spent a lot of time alone. It was quiet and lonely. Continue reading
I wondered for a few days what to write about this one. I didn’t sense you. This plan with the Signs and Symbols course was to open up our relationship again. It was to create connection. It was to create forgiveness. It did open a door between us. I felt such a good connection with you.
But, I realized this week that the door is closed again. I have gently placed my hand on the door and don’t feel the pain. I don’t feel that you are ignoring me. I just feel that my focus on you is no longer needed. We have healed. You have been able to move on with your soul. I have closed this door that was wedged open for the last 20 years which was held open by my pain in not feeling loved or wanted. As my hand remains on the closed door I don’t feel any of that. I sense that all is well. The door is closed so that I focus on this no more and move on to my purpose.
I thank you Mom for showing me this open and closed door. You will never be forgotten as long as you stay in my memories. But, from this point on the rest of the Signs and Symbols it will be Dear Spirits.
What if I confused fear with excitement? It is a question that when I heard it the first time I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Ummm, no I think that’s fear. Just so you are not confused, this is not the fear that you feel in a back alley with someone standing in the shadows about to pounce. No. This is when you have a dream or goal and you suddenly find a million excuses and all the things that could go wrong so that you don’t even start. That part is the fear. You should be excited. You should be able to start making plans and make the steps to fulfill your goal. It could be quick or take a long time, but there would be joy and passion behind it. But, that excitement quickly turns to fear. Continue reading
I love the rhythm in my life because I can tap my foot to its beat. I have heard several different rhythms in my life and nothing compares to this one. I notice that having awareness that is beyond me, and not only in self has created a new assortment of tunes that play in this body. I feel the energy of others and their rhythm plays with mine. It is like this fantastic orchestra. What is this rhythm? It is the vibration of energy. We are all made of it. Our energy is what people respond to even if they don’t speak to you. It is what creates a charge between lovers, or a stranger that becomes an instant friend. It is what we can’t see but what we feel. My rhythm is changing, but always improving. This doesn’t mean my life is perfect, but that is imperfectly perfect. Problems, stresses and concerns are still there, but the ability to manage it has improved.
Years previous I had rhythms that would have depicted my chaos. My mother’s death is a good example of so many emotions brewing inside me. Sober, I would have covered my ears and tried to hide from it, but it would follow me. My mind would feel crazy and I would have blamed all of that feeling on others. Drunk, I would have tried to drown it out, which may have worked for a while. But, it would never last.
I’ve had times of depression when the rhythm would have been exactly that, depressing. It would have crescendo like waves, but only bleakness and sadness cascading all around me. Happiness would have been elusive since the rhythm would have felt painful and alive. It is like turning the light when your eyes have adjusted to the dark.
Then the rhythm that is most difficult to pinpoint is the one that you don’t notice. It is constant but you are so distracted. Life has focused you only on getting up, going to work, coming home and going to sleep. Or, it is about doing things for others and doing nothing for you. It is being so unfocused on what life is truly about and that can cause the most pain. This is where if you can catch a rhythm that you ask yourself a question, “What am I doing?” “What is my life about?” “Why am I with this person?” “Why have I cared about all this stuff? Why have I lost all my friends?” “Why am I alone?” “Why am I here?” .
At my age, which is 40, so many people have asked those same questions. Life seems too short. You don’t want to waste any more time. If you have a family children seem to show the years going by in an increasing rate. But, it also is a warning not to wait for your children to move out before you answer some of your own questions. Can I answer them? I write this blog as a testament to what I have discovered in my own life. If I write this and tell you my story and make you see something different in your life and make you hear your own rhythm then I am serving my purpose.
So, maybe it’s time to hear your own rhythm in your life. What is it telling you? Where is your focus? What is the common thread in your life? Listen and start grabbing the beat. If you don’t like it, change it. It is time.
Sending light and love to all of you!
Evan Almighty. This movie came on TV and I thought the kids might like it so we watched it together. I told them the story about Noah’s ark and how the animals came 2 by 2 so that they might get the gist what the heck this was all about. The movie is ok, but I heard something in the movie that Morgan Freeman said as the God character in the movie. I mean who else could play God in a movie, Alanis Morissette? Oh that’s right, she did too. I found that this quote brought me a greater awareness in my life. It was this:
God : Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feeling, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?
It is like that isn’t it? If I pray to have more patience and it is not patience I am given. I will be given an opportunity to wait. I will have free will and choice on how to handle that time. I could definately be impatient. I could tap my foot and throw a fit. Or, I could have a small spark of thought that shows me this is my moment to sit in peace.
I tell my friend that sometimes when you get stuck in the long line at the grocery store that maybe the universe is saving you from something else that you are unaware of that is happening outside of your knowledge. What if having patience in that moment in line helps to avoid a strange circumstance? It gives you a moment to acknowledge the people around you. It gives you a few moments of breath work. Deep breathing to clear your thoughts. You have now shown patience in a time when normally you’d have been annoyed the whole time and taken it out with your negative energy around you.
It starts with you. I have prayed for peace and have realized that it has been in opportunities that I haven’t reacted the same way that I have before. I have watched the words escaping my lips more consciously where in fact they don’t escape, but are chosen. I have said no when my heart does not desire what has been asked. I have accepted that I need to look at my self to make the choices that are right for me.
What does it all mean? Well, if you want to create family bonding time you build an ark and have a flood and then crash into the Whitehouse. Simple. Right?