I feel like ego is everywhere I am turning in my life. I feel it around me in how I feel when people speak and I feel it inside my mind in how I talk to myself. I wake up in the middle of the might and like a switch in my brain turns on as well and my first thought is this negative one. “Why did you drink that coffee at 2pm? You should have went to sleep earlier.” Or, my worry/fear issue will come up so quickly that I’m wide awake and I can’t turn it off. I instantly have to calm myself and say I’m ok. Sometimes just saying it one time allows me to fall back asleep. Other times, it takes more. I have to wrap myself up in a spiritual hug and give myself the comfort and shush myself from going into a negative chatter.
One of the epiphanies I had in my life stem from being told that negative chatter was holding me back. My first thought years ago was that yes, many people speak in a negative way to me. Days later after an incident that I churned and churned over in my mind over an encounter I realized I was the one that allowed the negative talk in my own mind. I did this a lot to myself. My conflict with another was typically brief, but they would leave and I would rehash it over and over in mind. Playing out every other outcome until, for a moment, I felt satisfied that I won. Problem is that the other person did not know we were still working it out. The other problem was that I didn’t have all this time at the moment and only could handle it the best way I could. I wasn’t satisfied with letting it go after it was done. I wanted to mull it over and be right and to feel the victory of their substandard comebacks. Ugh.
Christmas has come and gone for this year. It has been a strange year. I had a plan from January to March and then something so much larger than me happened that changed everything. I was stunned along with everyone else with the lockdowns, online school fails and a recovering anxious personality so I was feeling the fear and worry around me. I read the Expectation Hangover this year and it definitely has put in perspective the expectations I had of the year and how to try to move forward past the disappointment and stalled out feeling. I was lucky that I remained working, but I longed for things that never could happen. I asked for help from my spiritual entourage with finding healing and peace. I asked for the ability to keep up with the financial stresses. I paid off my vehicle. I still have a job. I have remained blessed. We are truly lucky for all that we have. I was trying to maintain peace and calm during these past few months. I felt I had come to a good place. And then…
Inner child work. This is the last piece of my puzzle on my spiritual healing, for now. I had to do some research about the inner child and there is some different schools of thought on the work that needs to be done.
You can speak to your inner child like a small human that lives inside possibly giving that inner child permission to understand the world more than they knew back then or acknowledge that there was missing emotional care, support and love at times in their young life. Another aspect is to go back to the inner child and remember what it was like to play, their innocence, and the zest for life without the burdens of adulthood. Also, you can view your world from the child perspective but maybe to understand the adults around you now from your own adult self.
I choose a card from the decks I have occasionally. When I feel pulled to get one it is usually a good timing message. The cards are not always a rosy feeling, sometimes it pushes on my hard truths. I am typically reminded that the Universe is watching me and trying to help, remind and reveal the truth in my life.
This card that is shown “Unfinished Symphony” is not the first time I have seen it. I saw it a couple weeks ago and thought “ok, unfinished business blah blah” but didn’t really give it much more thought until I got it again yesterday.
I’m not sure why I feel this urgency in my 40’s to make a move into living fully in my life. In my earlier years I thought that I would just make this big gesture, take a risk or leap into something and then I’d live from that point. I get it now that my life is a series of doing things that lead me down a path. The path is long and never ending. It isn’t going to be just one thing, because then what happens after you find it? You die? You’re safe?
The problem is that I focus on what I am not doing or not getting. I have been told to look at what I have accomplished and how far I have come in my life. I need to remind myself of the good things and be grateful for all of it.
I’ve been on this journey of finding myself. I think what I wanted in that journey is that once I could put a finger on my biggest problem and have awareness that I could just move on from there. Release. Letting go. Mic drop. Done. I would be on the bus to my future and we were all along for the ride in peace and tranquility. This is the proof that as humans we just want to get back to normal after everything feels fixed, including me. Deep down I know that life is more like an onion full of layers. Peel one back. Cry. Then there is another layer. The past traumas seem different since we feel time has healed our wounds. I’m not 14 or 18 anymore. The same people can’t hurt me like they did back then. The realization is that the pain is very real and when it comes back sharply and with the same gut wrenching feeling after a memory surfaces then it is still alive and well living in my storage unit aka human body.
I have been doing some reading and it is one of those self-help books that require you to do work while you read. Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life by Christine Hassler is in the top three of great books that changed my protectory of my life. (The Untethered Soul and Seat of the Soul are the other two books if you were wondering) This book came up on my radar and the person had said it changed their life. I’m not finished the book yet, but it has really made me look and examine aspects of times my expectations were not met and I got the disappointment that came immediately after. I felt I had to write it out because I worried I would forget this moment and it seemed so poignant not to ever forget.
A friend sent me a picture of my young self she found in one of her family photo albums. You know, the good ol’ days of camera flashes going off, film that got sent in and then mailed back the prints. I am guessing it was in kindergarten and my friends mom took a picture and I was the only one looking at the camera.
Looking at my little face, it looked like I had a cheek filled with food and it was a fun party. Little did I know at the time how many things would happen. I already felt the fear back then to fit in and be noticed.
It is a quote that I have been tossing around lately. How many times do you not want to finish a task or project because it won’t be perfect? If I am not amazing at something then doubt creeps in.
Elizabeth Gilbert in “Big Magic” says, “Completion is a rather honorable achievement in its own right. What’s more, it’s a rare one. Because the truth of the matter is, most people don’t finish things! Look around you, the evidence is everywhere: People don’t finish. They begin ambitious projects with the best of intentions, but then they get stuck in a mire of insecurity and doubt and hairsplitting . . . and they stop.” I am part of the pack of people who don’t finish all that they start.
Sometimes when I write in my blog I think one of my children will read this in the future. I wonder if they’ll see me differently than as they see me without the blog entries. I remember not really knowing my own mother before she died and doing research later on and hearing about her life and thinking that I had no idea who she was at all. My mom didn’t tell me too many stories. My dad tried to fill in the blanks for me. My own children dismiss my stories sometimes like they heard it before or it isn’t like that anymore. But, I know the truth that the human spirit and connection between people haven’t changed all that much. It reads the same, but who am I at this stage of the game. I’m just the mom.
Have you ever had a moment of clarity, a great idea or an epiphany, but it was such a small grasp of something that you feel could be so big that you realize you’ll lose sight of it if you don’t write it down? That is where I am at right now. This blog has helped me to stay focused and to remind me of the lessons I have learned. I have turned back to my words many times to remind me that I am slowly getting a clue to this life. This pandemic time has made me feel and acknowledge some things about myself that I don’t ever want to forget, but I am terrified that I can’t articulate it clearly, but I have to try.