It’s a New Year. I refuse to do a resolution. January 1st doesn’t start my time to change. I do hope that I can keep up with moving more, eating healthy and being more social. I bought a rowing machine (yay me). I have been out snowshoeing and even organized a bunch of ladies to come out to enjoy the trail. I did a quick snowshoe last night before it got dark. I like it since it is fresh air and enjoying what I can of winter.
I thought I would review the decade. I saw that there was this feed on Twitter on people doing the highlights of all their major successes which is great, but doesn’t feel real. If you never really look at it all then it seems to defeat the purpose of how things changed. 10 years ago in 2010 I was 34. I had all my kids. We were married for 10 years and we’re living in a 3 bedroom mobile home for a family of 5. Oldest child would have almost 8, the middle was 6 years old and the youngest was 18 months old. Yikes. Remembering that reminds me that I found that time hard. I worked a bit to have my own money. I knew I was done with having anymore children. The older girls were in school. Continue reading
Being a human with a soul is truly a struggle. The confines of our body. The societal pressures to be “normal”. The fears that wreak havoc on our mind keeping us small and unassuming. Getting too comfortable. Confusing to follow your dreams and loving life if you have no followers. The need to document on Snapchat, Instagram or YouTube but never the true self just a well manicured image. We want to be loved and accepted. But, everything we do proves that we don’t. We are scared to be real because it may lead us away to the unknown. This is scary and different. Who do you think you are? You think you’re better then us? People don’t support you they try to bring you down to their level. Continue reading
Every year for as long as I can remember I have made the trek to the cemetery. It was the annual honoring (cleaning) of the graves. My father’s family is buried there along with my sister. As a child, I wouldn’t help much. I would check out the graves and calculate the ages and feel sad for the smaller graves of children and babies that had only been days old. It was like a spring time project that we went to each year. As I grew older though I helped clean. Trim the grass, rake it up, sweep it off the headstones and marble slabs and then wash the dirt off. We visit with other families that had come out to do the same. The next day which would be Sunday, there would be church, lunch in town and then a service at the cemetery. The priest would go around and bless each grave that was requested. Continue reading
I caught myself doing it again. I blog about stuff, but I try to not show you the real juicy stuff. I graze over my troubles with a dismissive hand gesture. Like no big deal, we all go through it, and then I move onto how I overcame my battle. Ughhhhh. Continue reading
I have a split personality. I have the awareness, spiritual side. That side of my parenting and me as a woman in the world is very calm and peaceful. When she is strongly connected in spirit, surrounded by nature and in harmony she does offer the best advice. She sees her children as these souls experiencing life. She wants them to see themselves as they are and being ok with all of it.
The other side is the ego. It holds the fears. It shows itself mostly with anger, but it has sneaky ways too when I get a great idea and then quickly my brain tells me how I shouldn’t do that. I pass it off as no big deal, but in awareness I realize that was my fears at play. The ego yells at my kids and snots off the lady at the grocery store. It is the reactive place when I am not conscious.
The awareness is starting to be there more and more. Even if the ego starts its rant the awareness kicks in and stops me. I am working on this in my parenting of my children. I am trying to keep it in the forefront that each of my children are individuals and have a purpose here. I cannot impose my dreams on them. I have seen it already in many things. My kids all show athleticism in sports they try. I did too. But, wasn’t allowed the opportunity until I was older to join sport activities. I sent them off to soccer, volleyball, basketball and hockey. There has always been a small voice that says if you did all the training and took them into the elite levels they will make it. Then, the spirit asks is that what they want, or is it what I had wished for? I have to breathe. Is it my dream for them, or their own?
Is success for them based on my expectations?
It truly is the hardest thing to not force confirmation on them. To just allow them to be there and speak to them when I am in my awareness. I was upset with my daughter the other day because of a website she was on. I yelled at first, but soon realized, no that is not what I want to convey here. I immediately calmed my tone and told her the concern and that I wanted her to understand the stranger on the other side of the computer. Underneath all of that I told her, if you are lonely then lets make plans with your friends, or let’s watch the movie you wanted me to watch with you. I want you to focus your connection with real people and not think that connection will come from strangers. We watched the movie. When I spoke to her in the calm voice and tried to see what the real deal was she said to me, I love you. I know that’s her way of saying thank you for seeing me.
I want to help pave the road and open doors for them. But, I want them to choose if it is the road for them or the door to go through. I want them choosing in their awareness. I want them to remember that they’ve had the power all along and not to let them forget that the awareness is what they were born with. We, as a society, put the limitations and the children forget who they truly are to be. We must let them remember.
So, I hear from my friend who tells me that she thinks I should open up my heart more. I recently related to all of you that I have this feeling of distance in my heart. But, after more contemplation I know there is love in all things. I love my little family. I have said to my children that I wanted to have more connection between all of us. Get off the ipods and computers and talk to one another. They really stepped up. Continue reading
I was getting ready for a fundraising event and I had my phone playing music. A slow song came on and I let it play not thinking much about it. The song was over and it repeated. No songs had repeated up to that point, and no song repeated after. It was strange. The song was, “I Believe in Love”. It made me ask, do I believe in love? Continue reading
Here I sit. I looked back in my past at some of my most shameful times in Part 2. I sat in the feelings that came up. I pondered all of it for the next few days. I kept reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown. It dawned on me from her book that Part 2 was completely “my story”. It had truth in it, but it was the victimized, selfish story that I have told myself for 20 plus years.
The truth is that looking at Part 2 is that some of it is not real. It felt very real at the time, but I chose to accept all that was said and done to me. I made myself the victim in the story and not the victor. I feel a part of me stayed face down on the arena floor until now. It is time for all of myself to rise up and see it in a clear light. Continue reading
*As I have said in Part I, I do not blame anyone in my past nor wish them ill feelings that they could have said or done anything to change the outcome of my life. I acknowledge that I made bad choices. This blog is clearly my perception of my life at that time and seeing it with fresh eyes right now, because at the time my eyes were closed.
From Part I Examing My Life: In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt gave the speech which contained the line, “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcomings….” Brene Brown talks about this speech in her book ‘Rising Strong’. She says that we don’t focus on when we are face down on the arena floor; society only wants to hear when you graze over the battle and talk about when you rose back up. We love the victorious stories the best. The face down on the arena floor is the part that I have not wanted to face. I didn’t want to focus when I was in my biggest despairs because it hurts to go back to it. But, why I need to do it this time is to release all the pain I buried there.
I can picture the room that my mother spent her last couple months in. I picture myself sitting back in there with her on the bed and I cry. I think at the time I felt numb. I felt like the elephant followed us to that room. There was so little said and so little closure. My mother showed me her anger. She showed her pain. I just ate it all. I can’t even recall if I told myself that it wasn’t true what she was saying. I know she had cancer and was on pain meds, but it was only me out of my whole family she took it out on. Honestly, it has haunted me all these years. It felt like our last memories together was her saying she was disappointed in me. I was no good. There was a better daughter out there and she ended up with me. My dad just passed it off as she doesn’t know what she is saying, but I think she did. I thought of it like her being drunk and saying what she really thought. Dismissing it never took away the pain of it. Trying to forgive someone who never said anything nice after those words could not change my heart. Continue reading
This journey of discovering my vulnerability has made me examine my past. I have struggled with looking back at my life because I have always thought I don’t want to go back there. I don’t live there anymore. I had this belief for a long time, but after visiting a healer she told me that I have my past, especially with my mother, still held inside. I laughed and cried a bit because I thought, haven’t I dealt with this? The healing also brought up vulnerability and how I needed to face the truth about myself. Continue reading