I choose a card from the decks I have occasionally. When I feel pulled to get one it is usually a good timing message. The cards are not always a rosy feeling, sometimes it pushes on my hard truths. I am typically reminded that the Universe is watching me and trying to help, remind and reveal the truth in my life.
This card that is shown “Unfinished Symphony” is not the first time I have seen it. I saw it a couple weeks ago and thought “ok, unfinished business blah blah” but didn’t really give it much more thought until I got it again yesterday.
I’ve been on this journey of finding myself. I think what I wanted in that journey is that once I could put a finger on my biggest problem and have awareness that I could just move on from there. Release. Letting go. Mic drop. Done. I would be on the bus to my future and we were all along for the ride in peace and tranquility. This is the proof that as humans we just want to get back to normal after everything feels fixed, including me. Deep down I know that life is more like an onion full of layers. Peel one back. Cry. Then there is another layer. The past traumas seem different since we feel time has healed our wounds. I’m not 14 or 18 anymore. The same people can’t hurt me like they did back then. The realization is that the pain is very real and when it comes back sharply and with the same gut wrenching feeling after a memory surfaces then it is still alive and well living in my storage unit aka human body.
I have been doing some reading and it is one of those self-help books that require you to do work while you read. Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life by Christine Hassler is in the top three of great books that changed my protectory of my life. (The Untethered Soul and Seat of the Soul are the other two books if you were wondering) This book came up on my radar and the person had said it changed their life. I’m not finished the book yet, but it has really made me look and examine aspects of times my expectations were not met and I got the disappointment that came immediately after. I felt I had to write it out because I worried I would forget this moment and it seemed so poignant not to ever forget.
A friend sent me a picture of my young self she found in one of her family photo albums. You know, the good ol’ days of camera flashes going off, film that got sent in and then mailed back the prints. I am guessing it was in kindergarten and my friends mom took a picture and I was the only one looking at the camera.
Looking at my little face, it looked like I had a cheek filled with food and it was a fun party. Little did I know at the time how many things would happen. I already felt the fear back then to fit in and be noticed.
Sometimes when I write in my blog I think one of my children will read this in the future. I wonder if they’ll see me differently than as they see me without the blog entries. I remember not really knowing my own mother before she died and doing research later on and hearing about her life and thinking that I had no idea who she was at all. My mom didn’t tell me too many stories. My dad tried to fill in the blanks for me. My own children dismiss my stories sometimes like they heard it before or it isn’t like that anymore. But, I know the truth that the human spirit and connection between people haven’t changed all that much. It reads the same, but who am I at this stage of the game. I’m just the mom.
Have you ever had a moment of clarity, a great idea or an epiphany, but it was such a small grasp of something that you feel could be so big that you realize you’ll lose sight of it if you don’t write it down? That is where I am at right now. This blog has helped me to stay focused and to remind me of the lessons I have learned. I have turned back to my words many times to remind me that I am slowly getting a clue to this life. This pandemic time has made me feel and acknowledge some things about myself that I don’t ever want to forget, but I am terrified that I can’t articulate it clearly, but I have to try.
When this first started all I could think of was that I wanted things to go back to normal. After time, you start to wonder what normal is for you and your family. The time continues on and the fear holds us all there. Social media and the news outlets are a far cry from calming those fears. Then, you realize then you will never go back to the normal you had known. For me, I could manage, but for my family the children especially, had a hard time to adjust to the social distancing and the lack that online school brought. Continue reading →
It’s a New Year. I refuse to do a resolution. January 1st doesn’t start my time to change. I do hope that I can keep up with moving more, eating healthy and being more social. I bought a rowing machine (yay me). I have been out snowshoeing and even organized a bunch of ladies to come out to enjoy the trail. I did a quick snowshoe last night before it got dark. I like it since it is fresh air and enjoying what I can of winter.
I thought I would review the decade. I saw that there was this feed on Twitter on people doing the highlights of all their major successes which is great, but doesn’t feel real. If you never really look at it all then it seems to defeat the purpose of how things changed. 10 years ago in 2010 I was 34. I had all my kids. We were married for 10 years and we’re living in a 3 bedroom mobile home for a family of 5. Oldest child would have almost 8, the middle was 6 years old and the youngest was 18 months old. Yikes. Remembering that reminds me that I found that time hard. I worked a bit to have my own money. I knew I was done with having anymore children. The older girls were in school. Continue reading →
Being a human with a soul is truly a struggle. The confines of our body. The societal pressures to be “normal”. The fears that wreak havoc on our mind keeping us small and unassuming. Getting too comfortable. Confusing to follow your dreams and loving life if you have no followers. The need to document on Snapchat, Instagram or YouTube but never the true self just a well manicured image. We want to be loved and accepted. But, everything we do proves that we don’t. We are scared to be real because it may lead us away to the unknown. This is scary and different. Who do you think you are? You think you’re better then us? People don’t support you they try to bring you down to their level. Continue reading →
Every year for as long as I can remember I have made the trek to the cemetery. It was the annual honoring (cleaning) of the graves. My father’s family is buried there along with my sister. As a child, I wouldn’t help much. I would check out the graves and calculate the ages and feel sad for the smaller graves of children and babies that had only been days old. It was like a spring time project that we went to each year. As I grew older though I helped clean. Trim the grass, rake it up, sweep it off the headstones and marble slabs and then wash the dirt off. We visit with other families that had come out to do the same. The next day which would be Sunday, there would be church, lunch in town and then a service at the cemetery. The priest would go around and bless each grave that was requested. Continue reading →
I caught myself doing it again. I blog about stuff, but I try to not show you the real juicy stuff. I graze over my troubles with a dismissive hand gesture. Like no big deal, we all go through it, and then I move onto how I overcame my battle. Ughhhhh. Continue reading →