This is where I have to begin. The truth. I looked on Facebook this morning and I have people in my life that share everything. They share their ugly stuff and their triumphs. They are so open that I’m sure there are other people screaming at their computer or mobile for them to stop sharing so much. But, it is their truth. I am not like that.
It the act of being vulnerable. I feel that state of saying something so truthful that it exposes this vulnerability and I feel pain come up. I stop myself from saying anything. I have associated this as the reason not to share. But, the pain needs to be released. It is a viscous cycle for me and I am the one that is losing out. The world is losing out on me, but they don’t even know it because I am not putting myself out there.
I started out almost too truthful, but that easily got shut down by society. I retreated and went silent for a long time. The people in my life wanted it back, but I had found my home in my body, the house, and didn’t want to come out anymore. I felt safe inside. My body was my temple and that is where I worshipped. Quietly. Alone. But, there is no truth if it is left inside. It isn’t anything to anyone when it isn’t acted on or told. It is just thoughts of a weary soul.
The truth is I need to be vulnerable to more people then just my friends or family. It isn’t enough that they see it. There are far fewer people stepping up as healers compared to the people who want to be healed. If you speak your truth this in turn opens the door for others to speak their own. It is time. It is time.
So, what is the plan to speak my truth….I will start here. I have a pain in my ovary. It has been nearly for two years. I should mention my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and passed away from it. It is just cysts and nothing to worry about they tell me. I feel this pain is associated with my unwillingness to tell the truth about me. I know that is strange but I have had this show up in my life before. I will have pain in my body and then when I step up the pain has gone away. I am frozen in this fear of exposing myself this time. This is different. I have to step up in a more public way and even with the threat of poor health and death I still hesitate here. Can you imagine? You are told that if you let this continue on that you may leave this planet too soon and you still just stand here. Why? Fear. My own fear paralyzes me. Fear that I created. It is scary as hell. I have a great imagination so I have made it so immobilizing that I sit here and do nothing.
But, it is time to face this demon. I have to become vulnerable to set my life free. This is the next step and I must begin.