I had an epiphany yesterday driving to the hockey arena. The arena has really wonderful people in it, but also very high-energy, competitive, controlling, manipulative people there too. It got me thinking about all the varied personalities on the way there for the second time that day because of our hockey tournament. Continue reading
I have teenage daughters.
I used to be a teenager. I never think of that time as easy or forgettable. I remember. The struggles and emotional world wind that time was to me is brought back to the surface time and again listening to my daughter’s stories. But, I also know with surety that the time we spend in this hormonal hell hole is short. In the big picture it is clear but I understand when you’re in it that it feels like forever. Continue reading
Being a human with a soul is truly a struggle. The confines of our body. The societal pressures to be “normal”. The fears that wreak havoc on our mind keeping us small and unassuming. Getting too comfortable. Confusing to follow your dreams and loving life if you have no followers. The need to document on Snapchat, Instagram or YouTube but never the true self just a well manicured image. We want to be loved and accepted. But, everything we do proves that we don’t. We are scared to be real because it may lead us away to the unknown. This is scary and different. Who do you think you are? You think you’re better then us? People don’t support you they try to bring you down to their level. Continue reading
I was getting ready for a fundraising event and I had my phone playing music. A slow song came on and I let it play not thinking much about it. The song was over and it repeated. No songs had repeated up to that point, and no song repeated after. It was strange. The song was, “I Believe in Love”. It made me ask, do I believe in love? Continue reading
I took a walk last night around a neighboring town while my daughter was at dance. I don’t live in town and so I find it so interesting to glance in the houses and peek into the owners life if only just for a moment. The poinsettia’s still blooming. The art work on the wall. The hockey game on TV. Continue reading
Here I sit. I looked back in my past at some of my most shameful times in Part 2. I sat in the feelings that came up. I pondered all of it for the next few days. I kept reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown. It dawned on me from her book that Part 2 was completely “my story”. It had truth in it, but it was the victimized, selfish story that I have told myself for 20 plus years.
The truth is that looking at Part 2 is that some of it is not real. It felt very real at the time, but I chose to accept all that was said and done to me. I made myself the victim in the story and not the victor. I feel a part of me stayed face down on the arena floor until now. It is time for all of myself to rise up and see it in a clear light. Continue reading
This journey of discovering my vulnerability has made me examine my past. I have struggled with looking back at my life because I have always thought I don’t want to go back there. I don’t live there anymore. I had this belief for a long time, but after visiting a healer she told me that I have my past, especially with my mother, still held inside. I laughed and cried a bit because I thought, haven’t I dealt with this? The healing also brought up vulnerability and how I needed to face the truth about myself. Continue reading
Bubby: If you believe in God then you go to heaven?
Me: What do you think?
Bubby: Yes. When I die I’ll get to heaven and meet Terry Fox*(see note below)? (He had recently watched a video at school and was very touched by his journey.)
Me: Yes, you would meet Terry Fox. It’s not just believing in God it’s being the good person and being kind to one another and that’s how you get to heaven. (Had to add the being good part)
Bubby: Mom? Will you always be my mom?
Me: Yes. Forever.
Bubby: But, when I die and come back in another life you won’t be my mom?
Me: (I had to pause here, my kid is talking about reincarnation) Well, maybe I’ll come back as your kid and you’ll be my dad. Maybe we will be best friends. Maybe we will get married.
Bubby: Ewwww. (And laughs but quickly gets serious again) Mom one day you’ll die. I don’t like that.
Me: Yes, but then I’ll get to meet Terry Fox and I’ll keep watching over you. And I’ll wait for you to live your life and do amazing things and then you can come join me and Terry Fox in heaven.
Bubby: Don’t be a scary ghost. I’ll lock you out of the house. (Laughing)
Me: One day you’ll get older and you’ll understand it’s not so scary. You and I are bonded forever even if we die we will continue being together. But, until your older and can understand this more just know that right now I’m your mommy in this life. I can see you feel worried and I don’t want you to worry about it anymore.
We snuggled up and watched our movie. But it got me thinking and watching him out of the corner of my eye. How does a little person think such big thoughts? And it occurred to me that it’s the soul talking. It brought up our connection to each other. It may appear it was his anxiety but I believe that my job as his mother is to just awaken his soul memory and that he is a much grander soul then me. And I understand why he came to me in this life.
In the awakening of my soul memory and serving my purpose here on earth I will be able to help my children to remember why they are here. Thank you Bubby for that gift!!
* Terry Fox waas a Canadian athlete, humanitarian, and cancer research activist. In 1980, with one leg having been amputated, he embarked on a cross-Canada run to raise money and awareness for cancer research. Although the spread of his cancer eventually forced him to end his quest after 143 days and 5,373 kilometres (3,339 mi), and ultimately cost him his life, his efforts resulted in a lasting, worldwide legacy. The annual Terry Fox Run, first held in 1981, has grown to involve millions of participants in over 60 countries and is now the world’s largest one-day fundraiser for cancer research; over C$650 million has been raised in his name. (Wikipedia)
I’ve used this term “planting a seed” quite often recently. I had told a friend who was frustrated that she couldn’t get out of old habits. I said in awareness the seed is planted and just like a real seed the plant doesn’t grow overnight. It takes time and nurturing of self to see the growth. If you keep being kind in the change to yourself and the acceptance then great changes are made. A seed in this circumstance is planting a new idea in my mind or maybe yours. It can be asking for what you want and releasing it out to the universe. The seed is the beginning and the end. In real seed life span, you use it to plant but then the seeds are reproduced to keep spreading. Is the seeds you are spreading like weeds infesting other plants or is your seeds planted with love and beauty in mind?
We plant seeds every day in our children. I’ve noticed sometimes the seeds I’ve given out myself have had to be removed because I’ve realized it was damaging and there are times it’s too late for me to change it. I may have to ask for forgiveness and forgive myself. These gardens can easily become infested with garbage thoughts and also can flourish into incredible beauty. But, both needs care and attention. My role as their mom has made me question if I’m the garden attendant or the gardener. But I’m just a seed planter. I hope that a remark or kind word or by my actions will stimulate new growth for them. It can quickly change because my child doesn’t guard their garden and someone comes in and destroys what has been created. Or they plant new seeds that may or may not help. My role is simple that I must teach them how the garden works. It starts with our self.
It’s a crazy seed gardening trip. It’s so easily manipulated and changed. So I focus on planting seeds with great love and to make great positive change. In every action and interaction we are planting seeds among people we are in contact with everyday. Be considerate of those actions and either you are adding beauty and possibly destroying it. Choose well.
I wondered for a few days what to write about this one. I didn’t sense you. This plan with the Signs and Symbols course was to open up our relationship again. It was to create connection. It was to create forgiveness. It did open a door between us. I felt such a good connection with you.
But, I realized this week that the door is closed again. I have gently placed my hand on the door and don’t feel the pain. I don’t feel that you are ignoring me. I just feel that my focus on you is no longer needed. We have healed. You have been able to move on with your soul. I have closed this door that was wedged open for the last 20 years which was held open by my pain in not feeling loved or wanted. As my hand remains on the closed door I don’t feel any of that. I sense that all is well. The door is closed so that I focus on this no more and move on to my purpose.
I thank you Mom for showing me this open and closed door. You will never be forgotten as long as you stay in my memories. But, from this point on the rest of the Signs and Symbols it will be Dear Spirits.