We All Need “MORE”

Internal struggles.

I could never really put my finger on what it was that bothered me about anyone pushing me to do my passion or my work and that I had to step up and out to be “more” of my true self. I struggled a lot because the word “more” was them pushing me to quit my job and then I could make lots of money and live abundantly being a spiritual leader even though I still felt like the student. Nothing they said felt good because it went against everything that felt right inside. Continue reading

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My Pain for Glory

It was late last night and I left my last blog post hanging. It was late. I am not having a good day. I asked the question, how do I hold myself accountable to my path? I realized that feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable seems to be the only way. And comfort causes more issues which seems so contrary to everything a human wants to feel…peace. I decided that when I feel that way it is just an illusion. Real ups and downs are better for me then just staying comfortable.

But, I don’t want to chase the pain away. I don’t want to push it down. I don’t want to eat or drink anything to calm it. I just want to accept it. I want to look at it and feel compassion and love for myself. I want to let it go and leave my body and fill the space with new passion. Continue reading

Lightbulb Moment

I had an epiphany yesterday driving to the hockey arena. The arena has really wonderful people in it, but also very high-energy, competitive, controlling, manipulative people there too. It got me thinking about all the varied personalities on the way there for the second time that day because of our hockey tournament. Continue reading

Teenage Girls

I have teenage daughters.
I used to be a teenager. I never think of that time as easy or forgettable. I remember. The struggles and emotional world wind that time was to me is brought back to the surface time and again listening to my daughter’s stories. But, I also know with surety that the time we spend in this hormonal hell hole is short. In the big picture it is clear but I understand when you’re in it that it feels like forever. Continue reading

Second Chance

Being a human with a soul is truly a struggle. The confines of our body. The societal pressures to be “normal”. The fears that wreak havoc on our mind keeping us small and unassuming. Getting too comfortable. Confusing to follow your dreams and loving life if you have no followers. The need to document on Snapchat, Instagram or YouTube but never the true self just a well manicured image. We want to be loved and accepted. But, everything we do proves that we don’t. We are scared to be real because it may lead us away to the unknown. This is scary and different. Who do you think you are? You think you’re better then us? People don’t support you they try to bring you down to their level. Continue reading

Love?


I was getting ready for a fundraising event and I had my phone playing music. A slow song came on and I let it play not thinking much about it. The song was over and it repeated. No songs had repeated up to that point, and no song repeated after. It was strange. The song was, “I Believe in Love”. It made me ask, do I believe in love? Continue reading

Part 3 Examine My Life

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Here I sit. I looked back in my past at some of my most shameful times in Part 2. I sat in the feelings that came up. I pondered all of it for the next few days. I kept reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown. It dawned on me from her book that Part 2 was completely “my story”. It had truth in it, but it was the victimized, selfish story that I have told myself for 20 plus years.

The truth is that looking at Part 2 is that some of it is not real. It felt very real at the time, but I chose to accept all that was said and done to me. I made myself the victim in the story and not the victor. I feel a part of me stayed face down on the arena floor until now. It is time for all of myself to rise up and see it in a clear light. Continue reading

Part 1 Examine My Life

This journey of discovering my vulnerability has made me examine my past. I have struggled with looking back at my life because I have always thought I don’t want to go back there. I don’t live there anymore. I had this belief for a long time, but after visiting a healer she told me that I have my past, especially with my mother, still held inside. I laughed and cried a bit because I thought, haven’t I dealt with this? The healing also brought up vulnerability and how I needed to face the truth about myself. Continue reading

Life After Death and Terry Fox

Bubby: If you believe in God then you go to heaven? 
Me: What do you think? 

Bubby: Yes. When I die I’ll get to heaven and meet Terry Fox*(see note below)? (He had recently watched a video at school and was very touched by his journey.)

Me: Yes, you would meet Terry Fox. It’s not just believing in God it’s being the good person and being kind to one another and that’s how you get to heaven. (Had to add the being good part)

Bubby: Mom? Will you always be my mom?

Me: Yes. Forever. 

Bubby: But, when I die and come back in another life you won’t be my mom?

Me: (I had to pause here, my kid is talking about reincarnation) Well, maybe I’ll come back as your kid and you’ll be my dad. Maybe we will be best friends. Maybe we will get married. 

Bubby: Ewwww. (And laughs but quickly gets serious again) Mom one day you’ll die. I don’t like that. 

Me: Yes, but then I’ll get to meet Terry Fox and I’ll keep watching over you. And I’ll wait for you to live your life and do amazing things and then you can come join me and Terry Fox in heaven. 

Bubby: Don’t be a scary ghost. I’ll lock you out of the house. (Laughing)

Me: One day you’ll get older and you’ll understand it’s not so scary. You and I are bonded forever even if we die we will continue being together. But, until your older and can understand this more just know that right now I’m your mommy in this life. I can see you feel worried and I don’t want you to worry about it anymore. 

We snuggled up and watched our movie. But it got me thinking and watching him out of the corner of my eye. How does a little person think such big thoughts? And it occurred to me that it’s the soul talking. It brought up our connection to each other. It may appear it was his anxiety but I believe that my job as his mother is to just awaken his soul memory and that he is a much grander soul then me. And I understand why he came to me in this life. 
In the awakening of my soul memory and serving my purpose here on earth I will be able to help my children to remember why they are here. Thank you Bubby for that gift!! 

* Terry Fox waas a Canadian athlete, humanitarian, and cancer research activist. In 1980, with one leg having been amputated, he embarked on a cross-Canada run to raise money and awareness for cancer research. Although the spread of his cancer eventually forced him to end his quest after 143 days and 5,373 kilometres (3,339 mi), and ultimately cost him his life, his efforts resulted in a lasting, worldwide legacy. The annual Terry Fox Run, first held in 1981, has grown to involve millions of participants in over 60 countries and is now the world’s largest one-day fundraiser for cancer research; over C$650 million has been raised in his name. (Wikipedia)