I had an epiphany yesterday driving to the hockey arena. The arena has really wonderful people in it, but also very high-energy, competitive, controlling, manipulative people there too. It got me thinking about all the varied personalities on the way there for the second time that day because of our hockey tournament. Continue reading
Dear child, hear my wise voice so loud and clear
Don’t fret teenagers of the trials of school
Be true! Let no one try to create new fear
Rise above and know who you are. Be cool
If it is freedom you want then grab hold
The web of lies and labels you must fight
Where? You ask. It is within your soul, be bold
There is a fire there, so pure in light
In troubling times, darkness falls on you
But, your soul will shine even brighter then
Many will attempt to make you be blue
Trust the universe, you can’t comprehend
One day you’ll graduate, you will feel free
Spread your wings dear one. It’s safe. Believe me.
I can tell you that today is not the worst day of my life. But, if it had a place in days I wouldn’t repeat then it would be thrown on that list. I wrote it all out, but felt bad to leave the words there. So, I went through and deleted most of them. Continue reading
Bubby: If you believe in God then you go to heaven?
Me: What do you think?
Bubby: Yes. When I die I’ll get to heaven and meet Terry Fox*(see note below)? (He had recently watched a video at school and was very touched by his journey.)
Me: Yes, you would meet Terry Fox. It’s not just believing in God it’s being the good person and being kind to one another and that’s how you get to heaven. (Had to add the being good part)
Bubby: Mom? Will you always be my mom?
Me: Yes. Forever.
Bubby: But, when I die and come back in another life you won’t be my mom?
Me: (I had to pause here, my kid is talking about reincarnation) Well, maybe I’ll come back as your kid and you’ll be my dad. Maybe we will be best friends. Maybe we will get married.
Bubby: Ewwww. (And laughs but quickly gets serious again) Mom one day you’ll die. I don’t like that.
Me: Yes, but then I’ll get to meet Terry Fox and I’ll keep watching over you. And I’ll wait for you to live your life and do amazing things and then you can come join me and Terry Fox in heaven.
Bubby: Don’t be a scary ghost. I’ll lock you out of the house. (Laughing)
Me: One day you’ll get older and you’ll understand it’s not so scary. You and I are bonded forever even if we die we will continue being together. But, until your older and can understand this more just know that right now I’m your mommy in this life. I can see you feel worried and I don’t want you to worry about it anymore.
We snuggled up and watched our movie. But it got me thinking and watching him out of the corner of my eye. How does a little person think such big thoughts? And it occurred to me that it’s the soul talking. It brought up our connection to each other. It may appear it was his anxiety but I believe that my job as his mother is to just awaken his soul memory and that he is a much grander soul then me. And I understand why he came to me in this life.
In the awakening of my soul memory and serving my purpose here on earth I will be able to help my children to remember why they are here. Thank you Bubby for that gift!!
* Terry Fox waas a Canadian athlete, humanitarian, and cancer research activist. In 1980, with one leg having been amputated, he embarked on a cross-Canada run to raise money and awareness for cancer research. Although the spread of his cancer eventually forced him to end his quest after 143 days and 5,373 kilometres (3,339 mi), and ultimately cost him his life, his efforts resulted in a lasting, worldwide legacy. The annual Terry Fox Run, first held in 1981, has grown to involve millions of participants in over 60 countries and is now the world’s largest one-day fundraiser for cancer research; over C$650 million has been raised in his name. (Wikipedia)
This is where I have to begin. The truth. I looked on Facebook this morning and I have people in my life that share everything. They share their ugly stuff and their triumphs. They are so open that I’m sure there are other people screaming at their computer or mobile for them to stop sharing so much. But, it is their truth. I am not like that.
It the act of being vulnerable. I feel that state of saying something so truthful that it exposes this vulnerability and I feel pain come up. I stop myself from saying anything. I have associated this as the reason not to share. But, the pain needs to be released. It is a viscous cycle for me and I am the one that is losing out. The world is losing out on me, but they don’t even know it because I am not putting myself out there.
I started out almost too truthful, but that easily got shut down by society. I retreated and went silent for a long time. The people in my life wanted it back, but I had found my home in my body, the house, and didn’t want to come out anymore. I felt safe inside. My body was my temple and that is where I worshipped. Quietly. Alone. But, there is no truth if it is left inside. It isn’t anything to anyone when it isn’t acted on or told. It is just thoughts of a weary soul.
The truth is I need to be vulnerable to more people then just my friends or family. It isn’t enough that they see it. There are far fewer people stepping up as healers compared to the people who want to be healed. If you speak your truth this in turn opens the door for others to speak their own. It is time. It is time.
So, what is the plan to speak my truth….I will start here. I have a pain in my ovary. It has been nearly for two years. I should mention my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and passed away from it. It is just cysts and nothing to worry about they tell me. I feel this pain is associated with my unwillingness to tell the truth about me. I know that is strange but I have had this show up in my life before. I will have pain in my body and then when I step up the pain has gone away. I am frozen in this fear of exposing myself this time. This is different. I have to step up in a more public way and even with the threat of poor health and death I still hesitate here. Can you imagine? You are told that if you let this continue on that you may leave this planet too soon and you still just stand here. Why? Fear. My own fear paralyzes me. Fear that I created. It is scary as hell. I have a great imagination so I have made it so immobilizing that I sit here and do nothing.
But, it is time to face this demon. I have to become vulnerable to set my life free. This is the next step and I must begin.
I got here, because I didn’t fit in. I tried. Dear Lord, I tried to fit the “normal” people, but I couldn’t act cute, spunky, or be sexy. I wasn’t willing to conform. Conformity was death to me. Fitting in was no match for the hatred I had for giving in.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a level of “pretend” in my life. I pretended I was ok and that was enough to satisfy the peers. I had a level of conformity, but it was simple; don’t be weird. Be funny. Be high energy. Be a friend. But, under no circumstances show your true self to these people. What I truly learned about myself from child through to my teens is that when you unsure about your place in your community then you internalize it to be a bad part of you. When in fact, it actually demonstrates what is wrong with society.
I always had a calling to this light that was deeper and stronger then I could understand. I was the strange girl that would not side with you just to make you happy but point out both sides of the situation. I was the teen counsellor to my friends. My mother hated this because we had a party line (shared a phone line with our neighbor) and anyone who called either residence was getting a busy signal. I was an excellent listener and had a Dr. Phil flare with a tell it like it is long before he made his debut on TV. This never changed over the years. I would always regard this as people would talk and I could hear what they weren’t saying. The problem is that most people were speaking in half truths for a reason. They did not want some girl telling them their truth out loud. The reactions were not nice, but I didn’t know that just because I heard it didn’t mean I should say it. I feel like I see their story and can see the bottom layer on where stuff started for them, but again most people aren’t ready to hear the truth unless they are in search of healing.
But this calling was too strange sometimes and I would mask it with parties and drinking. I tried my best to put out the flame of light inside me. I covered it up as much as possible. And then, it all fell apart and the flame appeared to be snuffed out. My mother was sick and later died. I had an Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love moment of break down lying on the floor and instead of not wanting to be married or have babies as Elizabeth felt; I instead I didn’t want to be dealing with this at my young age. In the year after her death, I had kept my life as dull as I could with alcohol. .
So, I kept partying. I met a guy and he was a good sign in my life. But, there came a point that he reached out his hand and offered it to me. He wanted me to settle down and sober up. It was like a door opened and it felt like it could save me. I thought I’d feel euphoric entering into that choice, but instead I lost everything. My friends were gone. I chose the guy and I was black-balled from my “normal” life. I never felt so alone. The guy remained steady, but I felt lonely and isolated. This lasted several years. In wasn’t all for nothing because this is where I started searching for spiritual growth. The flame I thought was gone it came back around where I had strange comfort in the fire I was building within. It reminded me when I was younger before the teen years when I still felt that being myself was cool or at least a small version of my Self. I circled around in this private world. I got married and had children. I kept to myself until I had no choice because the universe has a bigger plan for me.
My children grew up. I hesitated at every classroom door for every class party. I felt the same at every family function. They all thought they knew who I was, and I knew they were wrong. But, nothing made me want to tell the truth. It took me a long decade to have true friends. I have the most amazing group of people in my life now. But, I am the one that has the answers but I am the worst offender of not taking my own advice. How do you truly tell others to live their best life when you too scared to do the work that you are passionate about? Fear. How do you have such good friends but they know that deep down you aren’t telling them the truth of who you really are? Unworthiness.
And now here I am. I have been shaken to my core to live up to the potential and I still hesitate. Am I willing to knock down the wall to be free? The obvious answer should be yes. But, what would that really take? I have championed for others but I don’t do the same thing for myself. Why do I not think to put myself first? To put my goals as a priority? To love myself like I would my child? To want the best for me? I am in fear of achieving my goals. I know how to give love, but don’t give it back to myself. I have never done this before so how do I begin? And that is where I start….
“Your degree of resistance around something will be proportional to the amount of power waiting for you on the other side of that resistance.” Barbara Stanny
I shouldn’t even write a blog about this at all. The reason is because the best stories are the ones that you accomplish and then share. It isn’t a good story to tell people that I’m trying to put myself out there but haven’t quite done it yet. <silence> Continue reading
I got home from work and grabbed the laptop and hurried to sit on the deck. I wanted to enjoy the sunshine before the supper rush was upon me. As I reached the door I saw the butterfly waiting for me. I had seen it here a few times during the week. I’d open the door and off it would go.
I had never seen so many butterflies as I did this past week. There was a storm the one day and a couple sought refuge under the eaves. They would close their wings and hold steady while it poured and the wind tried to shake their grip.
It was fitting to see this one before I wrote this last blog post. I didn’t know what to expect with requesting different signs and symbols for 24 weeks would do for me. It had started as a connection to my mother but I see that I have so many loved ones and angels all showing me that “hey, here we are” and that we exist. We are really only just energy just outside of yours.
I feel that what it truly did was close a chapter on forgiveness for me and my mother. I was hurt by her in her death and now feel that we have buried the burdens of our past. If she was alive now and was going through a fight of cancer I would have done everything to help her. I just wasn’t equipped to do it at 16. I would have been the daughter she would have hoped for instead of the one she had then. But life wasn’t to be at that time. I’ve learned many things and she has been able to get through her own pain of her life. I believe with her gifts, if she could get past the hurdles of the human ego, she will be a powerful healer.
Carmel’s favourite messenger is the butterfly do it was quite fitting that she saved it for last. Thank you for the healing it provided. Thank you for the connection that made me laugh and sometimes cry. Thank you spirits for giving me exactly what I need.
I am done the detox. I felt nervous waking up on Day 11. I wondered could I continue with these changes and make it work in my everyday life. I got on the scale and I have lost 8 pounds in total.
Questions of course:
What have I learned about my body over the past ten days? I realized I took it for granted that it would always be there for me. I need to take care of it.
What did I notice or discover about my relationship to food? Sigh. I love food. But, I love it in a way that isn’t healthy. I love it all. I loved the treats. I love cooking. I can still do all that, but in reason.
What did I notice about my energy levels? I would not say my energy levels were high.
This rolls into ….What did I notice about how my sleep affected me the following day? I slept well if I went to sleep on time. I had a couple shorter night sleeps and with no coffee to get me through I had a hard time. I had a few naps which I never take. I felt ok about it, but I realized how much effort to get yourself to bed and rest properly, because otherwise I would suffer.
How did I effectively handle difficult moments? I was lucky. I didn’t have to many, but I just told myself that particular sugary item is the reason I got here in the first place. And then when I walked away I’d tell myself I had done great.
What practices do I want to continue? I think that I will stick to paying attention to meals that it has good fat, protein and lots of vegetables. I have not drank coffee either. I would like to stay away from sugary products.
What do I want for myself going forward? I would like to continue to lose more weight and make this part of daily life with the food choices.
It was a good 10 days. I did learn a lot. I learned mostly about my own impulse controls. I could sustain myself on the diet and I didn’t starve. I have convinced my husband of changes in his diet as well. My family tried different food. I made homemade kale chips last night and everyone ate them and said they were good. That was awesome.
I’m off to a birthday party. It is the true test…wish me luck.