I worked on writing down my goals and desires. I tried to write down the first steps in moving forward and then added some deadlines to get motivated. I faltered there. Ego took over a lot and convinced me that I am crazy for wanting more. I have a good life. I still worked through and wrote it down, but when I stared at them nothing made me feel excited. I flipped the page over and then just wrote down every idea that I have had recently and filled up the page. I felt more excitement. They appeared to be more of a bucket list, but maybe that is what is needed from me. I have so many hopes and dreams and I am not even trying to fulfill them a little bit. Continue reading
I refuse to move from this spot until I make another choice. I want to choose as I always have…the choice of staying small. I sit here thinking a miracle will happen but the universe has conspired to stand back and let me choose. I know if I choose the same I’ll end up here in a year in the same exact spot just a different date on the calendar.
If I choose different then I must be vulnerable and face my fears. The fears of getting some attention, failing, falling on my face, rising to new heights and all the other possibilities. Continue reading
I’m walking down a dusty path. I can imagine it’s hot, but can’t feel it. I sense it is an earlier time. The silence of the earth is deafening. It has a lack of activity in the air. I see you in the distance with the others. We all stop, but I sense you feel I am threat. You don’t recognize me in this body. I approach and notice I have a long bustled skirt. Is this the 1800’s? You are on a horse, but you get off yours.
I sense death is near for me if he doesn’t really see me. I walk toward you with purpose. I feel I haven’t seen you in a longtime. Your indigenous culture does not trust me and especially since I am a woman. We get closer and you have a weapon in your hand. I am unwavering in my expression. I am determined that you know me. You are also making long strides to reach me, but when you get close enough to meet my eyes you falter. I say to you, can you see me? Your expression goes back to devilish since I spoke English to you. But, I reach you and put my hand on your heart. You see something in me.
Shouting starts and shots are fired. Your friends are fighting with my people. I grab your hand and we run into the trees. I’m not scared. In my mind, I ask you to close your eyes. You do it. I ask if you remember me. You nod. I tell you our time together is short but I needed to see you in this time. You nod again. You open your eyes and we look at each other. Soul recognizing soul.
I apologize. Sorry. I never realized your dreams because I was scared. I felt that to go for it was risky. I had the 3 kids and the husband that were counting on me to be safe, reliable and attentive to them. I questioned myself constantly. My brain was riddled with the relentless inquiries, “how are you going to do this?”, “millions of people are talented, why do you think you are special?” or “what if you fail?” I know, I had been at the bottom before, but with everything at stake could I rise up again? I felt safe here. It was comfortable. I eventually tucked away the dreams to be forgotten.
I was a good mom. I raised children who watched me be content with my life. They’d catch me staring into the distance not realizing that my dreams and aspirations were being taken by the wind. They took safe jobs, safe relationships and lived exactly like I did. No risks. I wanted them to believe in themselves. I wanted them to know they could be or do anything that their hearts desired. But, sadly actions speak louder than words. They watched me be safe. So, they chose that for themselves as well. It was good enough for me it was good enough for them.
My dreams were not forgotten. I am at a point in my life that I can see how simple it is to go for it. I don’t care what others think anymore. I have no time for bullshit. I kick myself that I didn’t just throw caution to the wind instead of my dreams into the vastness of nothing. I should have known that it was just me telling myself I couldn’t do it. Why would I want to stop myself from living my best life? Why had I done it for so long? Fear. I have no more fear. It left me when I knew that I had nothing to lose anymore. Death is coming for me. I see it clearly now that I stood in my own way.
If I could change anything, I would ask myself to be brave. Start small and take a little risk. Take a little more. Repeat: My children will learn more from what I do then what I say. And, then believe, even just a small amount that it is all possible. You can do and be bigger and braver then you thought possible. You have a purpose and it is within your grasp. Grab it!!