The Face of Death

Death.

It is a foreboding message. But, it is also honest and expected. One day, we will die.

I got an early morning call from where my dad lives and they said he had been taken by ambulance. My first response after I hung up the phone was to notice what I felt in the moment and I felt calm which gave me the notion that my father was going to be ok. Last time he had called and went in by ambulance I didn’t have that ok feeling I knew that it was more serious and even though both paramedics and emergency doctor did not believe me when I said he had a stroke until his tests came back positive. I trust myself. Continue reading

Part 2 Examine My Life

*As I have said in Part I, I do not blame anyone in my past nor wish them ill feelings that they could have said or done anything to change the outcome of my life. I acknowledge that I made bad choices. This blog is clearly my perception of my life at that time and seeing it with fresh eyes right now, because at the time my eyes were closed.

From Part I Examing My Life: In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt gave the speech which contained the line, “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcomings….” Brene Brown talks about this speech in her book ‘Rising Strong’. She says that we don’t focus on when we are face down on the arena floor; society only wants to hear when you graze over the battle and talk about when you rose back up. We love the victorious stories the best. The face down on the arena floor is the part that I have not wanted to face. I didn’t want to focus when I was in my biggest despairs because it hurts to go back to it. But, why I need to do it this time is to release all the pain I buried there.

I can picture the room that my mother spent her last couple months in. I picture myself sitting back in there with her on the bed and I cry. I think at the time I felt numb. I felt like the elephant followed us to that room. There was so little said and so little closure. My mother showed me her anger. She showed her pain. I just ate it all. I can’t even recall if I told myself that it wasn’t true what she was saying. I know she had cancer and was on pain meds, but it was only me out of my whole family she took it out on. Honestly, it has haunted me all these years. It felt like our last memories together was her saying she was disappointed in me. I was no good. There was a better daughter out there and she ended up with me. My dad just passed it off as she doesn’t know what she is saying, but I think she did. I thought of it like her being drunk and saying what she really thought. Dismissing it never took away the pain of it. Trying to forgive someone who never said anything nice after those words could not change my heart. Continue reading

Dear Mom – Butterflies

I am still living in a bit of a harsh climate. There is not a lot of bug activity mostly because the temps are sitting around freezing. But, I knew you would think of something. So, I asked for you to show me butterflies in any means possible.

I then came home from work and I do not watch much TV. But, I did pause at the TV because my husband had on Three’s Company which I haven’t seen in some time. I laughed because there was so much sexual innuendo in that show and always a mix up with the room mates. This episode was Terry thought Jack was going to give a woman love lessons, but oops it was cooking lessons. Laughter ensues. In the apartment there is the big butterfly on the wall in the background. It caught my eye and I smiled. I don’t believe there is any coincidences. Continue reading

Dear Mom Letter 1

I don’t speak to you very often. I don’t acknowledge you very much either. It isn’t that I don’t think of you, but I didn’t understand the human spirit or the soulful spirit yours is now. I denied you being out there near me for many years. I felt disconnected to you when you died and I didn’t understand what would happen to your soul or to mine. It took a decade for me to feel you near, but our relationship had changed so much that it was like rediscovering who you were to me. I did. I spent time asking questions to Dad about you. I wanted to understand. I wanted to forgive the pain that had hung on so long. You were mean to me on your death bed. It hurt. You didn’t share with me what was going on. I felt so in the dark about your illness. I know you were hoping to protect me, but looking back I felt so isolated. I didn’t cry in front of you but saved that for my Math 20 teacher. Continue reading

Letter From My Future Self

I apologize. Sorry. I never realized your dreams because I was scared. I felt that to go for it was risky. I had the 3 kids and the husband that were counting on me to be safe, reliable and attentive to them. I questioned myself constantly. My brain was riddled with the relentless inquiries, “how are you going to do this?”, “millions of people are talented, why do you think you are special?” or “what if you fail?” I know, I had been at the bottom before, but with everything at stake could I rise up again? I felt safe here. It was comfortable. I eventually tucked away the dreams to be forgotten.

I was a good mom. I raised children who watched me be content with my life. They’d catch me staring into the distance not realizing that my dreams and aspirations were being taken by the wind. They took safe jobs, safe relationships and lived exactly like I did. No risks. I wanted them to believe in themselves. I wanted them to know they could be or do anything that their hearts desired. But, sadly actions speak louder than words. They watched me be safe. So, they chose that for themselves as well. It was good enough for me it was good enough for them.

My dreams were not forgotten. I am at a point in my life that I can see how simple it is to go for it. I don’t care what others think anymore. I have no time for bullshit. I kick myself that I didn’t just throw caution to the wind instead of my dreams into the vastness of nothing. I should have known that it was just me telling myself I couldn’t do it. Why would I want to stop myself from living my best life? Why had I done it for so long? Fear. I have no more fear. It left me when I knew that I had nothing to lose anymore. Death is coming for me. I see it clearly now that I stood in my own way.

If I could change anything, I would ask myself to be brave. Start small and take a little risk. Take a little more. Repeat: My children will learn more from what I do then what I say. And, then believe, even just a small amount that it is all possible. You can do and be bigger and braver then you thought possible. You have a purpose and it is within your grasp. Grab it!!

My Mother on 72

My mom was a young lady coming to Canada in the early 1960’s. She was to be a bride to an unknown gentleman that she had only knew through letters and pictures. She got off the plane and rested her eyes upon this liar-liar-pants-on-fire Canadian. It turned out he was not forthcoming with his age and had sent a picture of himself 10 years younger. So, my mother got a rude-awakening about seeing-is-believing to a man 20 years older than her. She was only 19. My mom in her no nonsense attitude told him “Oh no, I will not be staying at your mother’s house, please take me to my distant cousins home.” And so he did. Continue reading