The “Real” Reality Show

Reality. It is such a stark contrast to imagination. The truth compared to story telling. It bares all and I have to look at it. It sucks. Sigh, accept it, but quickly I turn to the story telling part of my brain that wants to make everything okay. But, awareness keeps on teaching me that it isn’t real. The truth is the real deal. No sugar coating, justifying, finger pointing will make the truth any less real. Continue reading

A Prison I Made

Here it begins.

Debbie Ford isn’t with us anymore. But, her work on our shadow self is just as needed. I have studied it in the past, but the one thing I learned is that if you open the door and take a peak that you will get a good taste of what is there. Most of us want to slam the door and go back into denial. I do too. But, each time I look it seems that I get a little closer to the truth.  Continue reading

Grace to Freedom

I did it. I finally did a Facebook live. I wrote some things down to keep a train a thought. And then I got a little nervous and had second thoughts but when I looked down at my phone it said 1:11. It was a sign in my mind that I had to go through with it. I did. It was great.

After, I went to a drum circle which was so fabulous. You wish after it all it carried on for a couple more hours. It was so much fun. The next weekend I went to a Wellness Expo to showcase my chakra/angel card readings. I felt nervous again, but my friend reminded me that every time I feel uncomfortable that it is a good thing for me. Continue reading

The Power of Intentions

I have a history of not asking for what I want and sometimes I would say what I didn’t want instead. So, the universe would provide by my thoughts and actions. At times, it works not too bad. But, other times, I get exactly what I didn’t want. I have examined my life to see why I have a hard time asking for what I want and I felt that it stemmed from being raised in an environment that wanting things was sinful. Gratitude for what you had was enough. But, what is really at the base of it all is that I don’t deserve anything good. It is for others. I should be happy with what I do have even if I’m not. I never became the heroine of my own story because I have been waiting to be rescued and no one showed up. I am always waiting for someone to give me a leg up in some way and it has always been me that has to show up. Continue reading

Hey

As I continue on this loving myself revolution I will say that it isn’t anything that I thought it would be. I clearly understand why people fail at resolutions because the things they want to change are tied to things they want to hide. Changing requires us the feelings and thoughts to come up and we have to acknowledge them. But, hiding the pain is why we are stuck in the first place. Continue reading

Can’t Go Back

I’ve been working on this spiritual awareness stuff for awhile. I struggle. Sometimes I think I want to go back to the heavy veil over my eyes before there was awareness of the bigger picture. So, I let my mind wander back about 9 years ago. I was getting my worse cases of anxiety. My little girls were in elementary school and I struggled with them telling me their struggles. I would have been calling the school more. I would have probably developed some illnesses and depression. I had very little friends in the community and I had a constant war inside of knowing that this wasn’t important, but thinking it was everything. I lived in constant fear. I wanted to make my home a safe and comfortable place, but I know that comfortable isn’t safe at all. You never take a risk and you can’t discover your passion. Continue reading

Conditions of Childhood

I am digging at the resistance that comes up in my life. I have struggled in my religion for a long time. I was raised by nice parents that were raised this same way. I didn’t know different until I started to see that others did not go to church or celebrated Christmas with Santa and had Easter bunny egg hunts. I don’t care about those things and don’t think I missed out. It isn’t like my mother tackled the dressed up Santa at the local hardware store and refused to let me get a candy cane from him. There was just a tradition of church in all that we did. Early morning Easter mass to get our basket of food blessed or late night Christmas Eve mass. I found it harder when I was young that I didn’t receive much for gifts and was so lucky that an Aunt would always get me a little fun craft to open. I felt embarrassed to tell my friends after the New Year what little I got after hearing all about their huge piles of toys and clothes. I could have mentioned that I was going to heaven and their toys along with them were going into hell, but it would have killed the game of tag we were about to play. Seriously, I honestly didn’t think of them but of myself. It made me realize that we were different and I wasn’t sure if it was good or not. Continue reading

We All Need “MORE”

Internal struggles.

I could never really put my finger on what it was that bothered me about anyone pushing me to do my passion or my work and that I had to step up and out to be “more” of my true self. I struggled a lot because the word “more” was them pushing me to quit my job and then I could make lots of money and live abundantly being a spiritual leader even though I still felt like the student. Nothing they said felt good because it went against everything that felt right inside. Continue reading

Meditation Heals

She’s sitting in a peaceful room. A strong light illuminates from her. It is her soul shining. The walls start out as blank, but as she sits there then words start appearing along with images on the white walls. She wants to look away but she is unable to move. The memories of the past start flooding the walls to reveal all her fears, humiliations and resistance to her path. But, it also showed when she acted poorly to others and caused the same raw emotions for them. The walls went blank again. Her heart had to reckon with all she saw and felt. She asked herself, “Now what?”. A voice responded with, “Honor your soul. Be authentic. Be kind. Be still. It is time to answer your calling.” In a moment the walls revealed amazing moments of gratitude, kindness that she had given as well as received. She understood in her heart that it was those moments she had to make that a constant in her life. She was going to create change and the first place to start was within. Continue reading