I have been glancing at Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey to try to understand where I am in mine. I felt called, I know I have refused the call and then came back to it. I am now at a point that I am at a threshold of change. I know I am purely on the knowledge that I don’t want to go back, but terrified of moving forward.
I can make a lot of jokes that sometimes I wish I didn’t wake up and got stuck in the disillusionment of human life. But, the joke is on me. Once you see life in a way you have never seen it before then you can’t pretend you didn’t see it. The flashbacks of knowledge will flood you everytime you sway from the truth.
The biggest joke that I can’t seem to laugh about is the one that I am the only one that has control over my life. I am responsible. My words and actions from my past has been called into action into my present. Even though I have known this I still struggle with it. The worst words that cause the most damage are the silent ones that I tell myself. My biggest issue is not that I think I’m ugly, but how I justify that my resentment for others is warranted.
This is a big breakthrough for me, but what makes it hard is that I still struggle to accept that how others treat me in some ways is how I taught them to treat me. My words of resentment has caused trauma in my relationships. I have physical symptoms showing up on my body, but from a spiritual standpoint these symptoms have told me some hard truths. Right now they show up as male dominated relationship resentment issues. I use to tell myself I release my anger and resentment, but it has crept up on me again.
I do deserve good things and to be treated well. I also have to accept others how they are in their life. I am a mom that feels like I give and give. I am a wife that feels like I give and give. Lately, I have really retreated into myself. I know my pain is coming from a place that is full of resentment towards the ones I love. I have hung onto that one day they’ll see me, but I really have to give it up. Even hanging onto a fraction of that feeling causes me discomfort. No expectations. Surrendering. Forgiving. I can’t control them only myself. You know what is hard about reading this? Is that I have to concede. It feels like defeat. It is vulnerable. It means that all that I fought for or tried to guilt them over is done. If they don’t care about me then I have to allow that, but I know it isn’t true that they don’t care. I just have to accept the love that they are offering to me instead of thinking it isn’t enough, or I wish they would do more.
My resentment that I hold onto is causing me a lot of grief right now. The universe is showing me that in order to be free I have to let it go. I have to live in a place that sees others on their Hero’s Journey. I need to see them without a bunch of labels and just look harder at the soul. I got caught up again and again.
I had started writing this yesterday to finish it today. Yesterday, it was like the perfect example of my feelings and issues with my family came up. The universe is truly unique place. You ask to let something go and it heeds the call. We had gotten back home and then they started making fun of me about a situation that had happened earlier. It came clear to me later that the issue I have is that when you hardly have anything nice said to you the jabs feel worse. It’s like kindness received gives you a little cushion around your body so when they say something personal it doesn’t touch your wounds. I told my husband after that everyone is quick to jump on me when I do something wrong but no one ever compliments or says things when I have done well. It is immature but my heart couldn’t take the lack of love I felt. I finished making supper and went to my room to cry and cried for 2 hours.
Don’t get me wrong, I probably needed to cry. It wasn’t just what happened but all the stuff that has been going on for the past while, the stress, the pandemic and fears. My husband said later, don’t you know you are loved? And I said sometimes I don’t.
In the end, this blog post was really about the realization that I was still holding onto my pain. Yesterday, when I wrote the earlier part it was just a glimmer of an epiphany but the day that followed was to show me that it was something I really needed to see and feel what I was holding onto. I thought I was doing better with things but all my bad habits of negative self talk was coming back. The sadness was creeping in. Resentment was making the pathway muddy and hard to walk through. My awareness of this didn’t make me feel better. But, to get through this and truly move forward I have to look at this pain and the truth it revealed to really heal or it will repeat time and again.
It sucks to feel vulnerable.