Many of my blog posts get stuck in draft. Some of them don’t get published because I had a thought, but couldn’t get it out and once it takes so long I can’t bother to finish. Others are because I was whining, anger-filled, too much personal content and or possibly hurting someone else.
I read Glennon Doyle’s posts and she is so forthcoming with her life. She is wearing her emotions and talking about the gooey stuff and I am trying to process it on my own. I’m not sure if I could ever be that way. Being open like that is freeing, but I secretly am glad it is her not me. I think of anyone who has the ability to share such personal things as brave, but it can make me uncomfortable. I always thought I was feeling that discomfort for them, but I realize now it brings up discomfort in myself. It pokes at my own wounds.
My mantra is to allow any pain, discomfort or worry I have be released. I don’t want to eat it, drink it or push it down. It is so easy especially during the pandemic to eat and drink all the worries away. But, it only makes it foggy for awhile until the next wave of stuff I don’t want to feel comes along.
This pandemic has proven more to me what I don’t want in life. I don’t want to go back to the full plate of busy-ness I had before. I led a life that was whispering for me to do things, but instead I kept answering “when I have time”. I thought the time would come and now I have more time and I still struggle to fight for my path.
The other thing the pandemic has proven to me is that any issues I am working through now had a cause to it that revolved around me making a poor decision, holding onto resentment, or in some way playing the victim and blaming another. I feel that I am stomping on this like a lit cigarette in dry grass. My mind can wander away and try to think more peaceful thoughts such as it is okay, you were doing your best and try to baby talk my way into cloudy oblivion. I just do not want to allow it anymore, that feeling of pushing it away instead of realizing it was me the whole time. My actions and thoughts created this future. It has some amazing things about it, but also it needs more.
I was thinking of my mother before her death. The days in my teens don’t have a lot of definition. My junior high years were a mix of being a teenager trying to fit in, be noticed for the right reasons, but it wasn’t that way for me. So, because I felt so focused on my sadness, ugly moments of teasing, hair perm from a lady who did senior ladies hair when spiral perms were the rage, bags of hand-me-downs, and friends who got the boys, I lost focus on noticing my parents back then. But, now married with children I have flashes of her life and they resonate with mine. I know why she went out and worked and turned her back to us. She just wanted her own life. I know she considered leaving. She asked me once if she left would I go with her. I think I said something like, do you have to go? She was asking me a question that only brought up the lack I felt as a teen and I can only assume I was thinking that I wouldn’t jump on leaving the crap school I knew to go to a scary school that I didn’t. It would have never been the answer she wanted.
My mother risked more in her life that I have ever done. She moved here from another country and with the youthful tenacity chose a man she knew would never hurt her or drink too much. She made a lot of friends. She visited the neighbour ladies even when no one else did that. She had her faith, her not so great singing voice, but she damn well sang in church, and she believed in hard work.
I think sometimes I am nothing like her, but I can tell you I think my life mimics hers in some ways. Not the risk taking, but the search for more and feeling crazed during a time that it seems your family wants to suck the life out of you. We have our differences, but the stuff that is similar makes me realize things about myself and her. Maybe in a weird way, her passing showed me what life would be if I took the one sliding door and is a slight warning that it is okay to take the other. I want more. She wanted more, but by the time she took those steps her life took a very different turn with cancer.
Everything is a lesson. I just want to keep exploring and being aware. Shining the light in the darkness is the only way to stay the course.
I don’t want this pandemic time to go to waste. I want to be braver and be bolder. I want to do more and just focus on releasing the real me and wherever it takes me I just want my life to have mattered to me. I did it. I tried. I failed. I found joy. I got curious. I hit the arena floor in a bloody mess. I got up. I tried again. I want all of it. I want it to be real.