The pandemic and the global reaction is like a road block on the path. You know that the road ahead has a sink hole and you cannot pass. So, many stand in line waiting for it to be fixed, but with this many days waiting there has a been a change of how people view this road block. I swing in different directions each day. At times, I understand why we are waiting, but while the economy collapses around us and with each passing day more of us set to lose our jobs with no clear knowing if even if the road is fixed will we be able to go back. And then, I have my dad in a seniors home and don’t want him to be a statistic even he shares with me he is worried that he will get the virus. I understand that right now life is on hold until…. and that unknown date is what is hard to grasp. There is no clear knowing and lifting some of the restrictions and the number skyrocket up is a real threat.
On a personal level we had so many fun events planned. My daughter is set to graduate high school and was so excited for a prom. Even if the event can come together in some form it won’t be the same. There is no large groups allowed all this summer, so this could wait until fall and even that is an unknown. I am sitting in the room where her prom dress hangs in the closet. It is a reminder of how I want things to go back to normal but, normal will not return for some time. I find it hard to share my emotions of this because I feel like there’s a big picture and I shouldn’t complain. But, I am going to tell you that it breaks my heart that my first child will not get to experience of prom and graduating from the biggest investment she has made in her life thus far. I was looking forward to seeing her wear her dress and celebrate. No one can actually say what will happen for those graduates, because even if something is allowed in fall the moment seems to have passed now.
I had planned to take some in person courses (reiki and meditation) which fell away quickly once the shutdowns occurred. Our 20th anniversary was going on this fall and we had wanted to make a party. I know we may be able to still do something, but I can tell you that my heart is not going far into the future. It hurts venturing out of the binding of the pandemic to somewhere into an unknown that is restricted which they keep saying is our new normal.
The truth is that I have focused on the present moment which is what meditation is all about, but I’m a human that thinks of the future as well. You have to make plans, goals and appointments. We can’t deny that present moment living is where magic happens. It is where you find acceptance to what is going on in your life. It brings peace to us when it feels there is none. The other question I have to ask myself is why this is happening and what am I supposed to get from this? It is like a deep pause. I have said previously that it feels like whatever may have been a good quality, or your worst quality or your biggest fear is going to show itself during this period. Mostly for me, I want to help others. I miss normal, but I am unsure if I want it all to come back to normal. Normal was so busy that I forgot myself and put others before me. I don’t feel so tired right now like I have in the past because spring time running the kids around isn’t happening.
I feel like something better is going to come out of this situation for myself and others. I feel divinely inspired by the signs I see. I was texting with a friend about the frustration of dealing with kids doing online school, we are at work, and trying to organize their chores from afar as well. That is a whole other future blog post, but we were saying that we feel like this pandemic has presented us a situation that is supposed to make you pause. What are we to learn? For me, I have been opened up to all the things that I chose to remain small in my life and am being told to make another choice. What are the examples of this? I have recently been working on myself and my inner “stuff”. This “stuff” has to do with resentment I have felt. Resentment is a trap. It is a fancy name for being a victim. I do all these things and no one appreciates me and then resentment builds. I wanted to be seen. I wanted to feel that what I did mattered. I wanted to be valued in my marriage and my family. All these years later I still don’t feel their value, but I do see my own value. The years leading up to this moment is that I always believed one day they would see me and expectation that has to be put to rest so I can find peace. Finally, I realized that I had punished myself with lack of respect and love for me. I made bad choices in order to show them I was over here waving my arms for attention and now I am paying for it. I am owning that I chose to deal with life this way. I chose to be small. I chose to focus on my lack. I had it in my mind that the people I loved would just know what I wanted. They don’t, even if I spelled it out they don’t really recognize me.
I am making another choice. I want to live a bigger life following my path to joy and fulfillment. Action has to become my new middle name. I get the little nudges to do more and I have to say yes, because otherwise I will just fantasize about a life and be disappointed every time. Being in self-isolation is uncomfortable after this much time. The community feels at odds with how to proceed. I need to stick with growth. I need to be more of the real me.