I’ve sat in fear on taking chances or risks because they wouldn’t work out. I have organized events where no one registers or when no one shows up. I have cried in past. Now, I feel disappointed when people promise and cancel. It takes time for me to organize another thing again. In some ways it’s torture. I feel I have lessons to learn and experience to gain but also I feel like a fool. Vulnerability leads to joy (or so they say) but it’s very uncomfortable along the way.
The fear of failing is real. I have quite a few meditation classes I’m hosting this month. In my local town I had put a poster and said I needed confirmation to go ahead with it. I feel that asking that is so they understand I have put out money and my time. I want to make sure it’s not wasted. I had some people say yes to it. I’ll be there. Now as it starts maybe one of the original yeses has actually come. My fear reminds me that “see, no one wants to come.” “You aren’t liked. You aren’t deserving.” It tries to confirm the worst about myself.
I’ve asked myself many times over these years if what I’m doing and trying is the right thing. Maybe I live in the wrong area? Maybe I’m promoting the wrong thing? Taking the wrong path? Then I remember that the signs still point to this. My pattern is to give up when it gets hard. It comes up in my mind everyday I have to put myself out there. I wonder what am I doing. I am surrendering every single time because my fear and no control is always sitting there waiting for me.
My wanting to break the pattern is strong. I keep thinking that I don’t know what will happen but I want to find out. I want to be the person I’ve feared to be for all these years. I want to say what I’ve been saying inside but now to say it outside my body.
So, even though I’ve had some promises broken and it pains me on this meditation class adventure I have still had people show up. I am grateful. I tell that at the end of class that they are such a blessing to me. I’m so grateful for their presence. Because even if a small part still doubts or feels it isn’t enough I need to remind every cell in my body that I am enough and what I am given in this moment is wonderful.
I have a couple friends that support me. They like my posts, read the blog or attend a class. I also have a few people in my life that do not support me. It causes internal struggles because they are close to me. Do we need the naysayers? Does it help to drive you towards goals? Or does it cause more doubt? I still am not sure how to handle those things and hope that it works itself out.
The fear is real. It reminds me everyday. But, my drive to push through it grows stronger. I hope this gives you hope to keep trying and keep going. You got this!!
Side note: Happy Birthday to my mom! She would have been 77. She’s been gone 26 years. Bless her and all of you who’ve lost loved ones too soon. Take care.