You can’t chase happy. It isn’t something to be found but to be created.
I’ve been very mixed up on what happiness is for me. I’ve tried making others happy which I thought would return back to me. No dice. I’ve struggled with happiness thinking it was something to find outside of myself. But what I’ve really learned is happiness comes from within when you are living your authentic true self, following your passions and being filled with gratitude. I am not always doing this. All my crutches that I’ve used to block out the truth are poison and I need to release them. Anything I have told myself to deceive my truth was pulled out from some foggy files of my youth. I felt like I had things figured out but it is what I didn’t want to see which makes it so dangerous. The good feelings of love, joy and happiness elude me and control and fear replaced them
You know, the biggest problems in my life are replicas of ones from my childhood. I remind myself not to be sad that life is repeating itself instead thinking that the awareness and different choices can make it a different outcome. But, I’ve believed the lies for so long that it is asking in every moment if it is true about me. Running away from my problems I will just find the same ones with different faces and scenery. They will follow me until I face these things head on.
My childhood was based on feeling not enough and not having enough. I felt alone. I had bouts of depression. I feel the same sometimes. No matter how many times I think I got something figured out life proves to me that I don’t.
I went to a lovely cacoa ceremony which is for heart opening. I need. Love comes from there and I need to love myself. I need to focus on gratitude and let my heart open up and trust the universe has had a better plan than the one I’ve tried to control. I’m open. I’m ready. I’m trusting. I step aside to not get in my way.