A healing journey is going to be different for everyone because of life circumstances and what lessons we need to learn. But, there is one thing that is the same for everyone is that our healing begins within. It is me.
When I have spent time in the past being the victim and blaming others it is really annoying when you start having to look at yourself. No one makes you feel guilty, you feel guilty. A person treats you poorly that is about them and then how you respond is about you. At times, if you allow the same poor behavior to be given to you then that is something you are carrying to attract such behavior. Uggghhh!!! Fine.
I always joke that sometimes having the awareness just makes you want to put your head in the sand and get more isolated instead of experiencing life. Which brings me to this blog.
I am wanting to shed some light on my patterns. One being the overanalyzing of encounters. I really gained insight last night of myself. Birthday party. Typically, I restrain myself from talking too much, saying the wrong things and hoping that no major issues are brought up or that I cause any. There was something about it last night that I saw myself and that engaging more caused more joy and laughter, but at the same time caused me to struggle inside after and at times during. I felt sad for myself but a sense of understanding too. I could see the self-talk that caused me to try not to have fun. I have cared too much of how others see me when no matter what they didn’t care for me at all anyway. Me being happy or being sad had no effect on how they felt about me. For better or worse. I woke up last night and my mind recapped conversations. I think I did upset a person there. But, I wanted to make sure they knew that their comment was uncalled for. I felt guilty about it, but then reminded myself that not saying anything then would just bring in anger. I let it go. There was super fun things that happened too, but of course others had to comment and may have been joking but I could sense it was pushing my button of being criticized. I had to really say no, this is fun. It was fun. The person involved in the fun still seemed to be having fun. I can’t worry about how someone else viewed it. I had to talk myself down of ruining a fun night out by my self-talk. Sigh.
Rewind, many moons ago I was a bit of a spinning top. I was leaping and bounding like a puppy. Party mode. Dancing queen. Fun was fun. There are parts of her I don’t want back, but being myself seemed closer there than it is now. But, finally fun came to an end. How did it happen? I was too much for another and was asked to stop making jokes and being talkative. Innocent statement maybe but, I felt shoved to the ground. Instead of thinking maybe they were wrong, I thought since they loved me that maybe they were right. And then I spent years trying to find a balance between it. Problem was that no matter what I did it wasn’t enough. I have struggled with joy ever since.
I know joy can come from the little things to the really big things. My husband senses a sort of distance inside of me which even I couldn’t quite place. But it has started to be pieced together. I am searching for my authentic self. I thought when I was a teen I was lost, but I realized I lost myself again in my 20’s and 30’s. Now in my 40’s that I see it I can’t go back to not knowing.
I have thought of myself as this put together person but the truth is that I am not. And, it’s okay. I have serious doubt. My self-talk isn’t the typical body image complaints it goes deeper. It rattles at my well-being. It has made me self-analyze but trying to avoid what really has hurt me.
I am far from perfect. I have no idea anymore of who I am. But, reclaiming me is the top of my agenda.