I have been feeling a bit lost. My creativity has suffered. My meditation practice suffered. Then my fear and resentments build. At one point I had to finally say I needed help. I was in a funk which could best be described as feeling restless and annoyed with everything around me.
I saw a healer because this particular one also likes to speak to you before to get the gist of why you are there. She asks hard questions. After I responded she said that I am feeling growth, but disconnect. She asked me to cut the cords with everything to allow me to look at what I wanted to connect with instead of hanging onto everyone and everything in my life. I needed to speak more freely about my true thoughts. In the midst of this conversation I realized that it was one of the reasons I wasn’t writing in this blog. I felt my creativity was really lacking as well. It was all coming together hand in hand. I told her I was lonely because it was difficult to have people to talk to that felt like me. She said that will get worse before it gets better. Ha! I feel isolated already and it could get worse?
What I know for sure? A practice can’t be neglected. Taking care of myself has to be a priority. I must do things that improve my physical, mental and spiritual each and every day. I must focus on my true authentic self and not worry how that is viewed by others or how my behavior makes them feel.
This one other thing is important for me to learn. I am not special. Anytime I think I am, I can almost prove that I am not. My work and ability doesn’t come from within me. If my human ego steps away then magic does happen.
Also, I need to look at repeated patterns such as thinking I can do it on my own, which has been proven I cannot all the time. Allowing others to say things and not shutting them down when I hate the conversation to avoid confrontation. Allowing my inner voice to create guilt, worry, fear when not one external voice said a damn thing.
And the last one I can think of is that I will not be happier when I get thinner, have more money or reach a goal. It is in the moments that I need to find joy and happiness. I need to commend myself when I keep trying. This is a journey. I need to cheer for me and remind myself that each day is a blessing for my accomplishments and not a curse.
My power and my creativity has made me take a hit on my self. I am ready to get back on track. Here’s to 2020 being a great year of abundance and growth.