I want to believe that what others think of me it does not matter. But, it is not truthful. I want approval. Taking chances and risks when you have those moments of pushing past your fear does not always result in success. When you dare to try to rise above your fear you do sense there are people upset that you have exceeded their limited expectations of you. It is that feeling they don’t want you to do better and that is largely because they don’t feel enough.
It appears we all get caught up in the same things within as well as what we give out to other people. But, it seems we think we should hide ourselves, but it makes no difference if we hide or shine they will never be satisfied. We were built to blossom into more and not restricted by our own voice or others.
If we set no intention in our actions, or maybe a subconscious intention, that we expect one thing but truly intending another is like a mixed signal to the universe. What is my intention? Looking at my life in this moment I can see where some of my intentions have created some amazing things for myself. But, I also know when I just expected things to happen with no intention named I am not happy how it turned out. So, if I ask myself what is my intention in every choice from this point on what could I create?
So, if I look back on my past motivations I have secretly wanted people to be pleased by me. I can tell you I have not been rewarded often in the past. All it left me with is more criticism and pulling back from people. In ways I have been rewarded by having some time on my own. I got clear about some things, but I have more understanding to gain. What am I passionate about? What do I want to do more of? What makes me happy?
I don’t feel very happy in my life. There are so many blessings, but my life seems more about the grind and feeling resentful for looking after my home with no rewards. I have allowed them all to drop their stuff in my lap physical stuff as well as their mental stuff. I always wonder who or where do I take my stuff. It is why the spiritual practice became so important to fill myself up. But, it is not enough lately.
I worry about my health, my low feeling is not something I want to keep. I get clarity and then ego comes in and reminds me why I am not enough. I want to take a chance, but I get to the shaky knee feeling and release it. I give up. It is painful to live in this place over and over again. I wonder why I continue to write in this blog when I wanted to focus on the truth, but it just seems to be the same old whine and cry. Am I improving? I honestly feel like giving up and trying something new. It doesn’t seem to be working what I am doing.
I need a change. I need to leap.