I’ve had this week of wanting to give up…trying. I talk all the talk of fighting vulnerability and that I need to take action, but when you take action and then there is nothing that happens with it you question if you are following the right path.
I feel confused on what I should be doing because it seems the things I have focused on are not working. I take a chance with barely a movement in change. I speak to a large group of women and get one extra follower.
Then you realize it must be me. I am missing something.
This feels like a time of reckoning my path. I could focus on the conventional job. I could abandon all the art and sell off everything and gain space back in my spare room and corner of my garage. I could turn the healing room downstairs into the proper storage space it was meant to be when we built the house. I could abandon all spiritual practice and just think it was that time I went a little woo-woo.
Then what? Focus on being happy. What makes me happy? I’d have to keep some of the art stuff. I think back to when I pulled out my pencil and paper and sketched after years without. It brought me peace to feel like a kid again. I’d have to have a little art in my life.
What else? I’d still have to meditate because otherwise the control-ridden Ukrainian comes out of me. It is my form of anxiety control.
Anything else? I would still have to use some of my spiritual skills since it is what fuels my listening and ability to give sound advice to others. Otherwise, I’d just have to force feed them drinks and food so that they would be drowned of their pain in stomach discomfort. Because I have had a distorted view of alcohol and food to last me a lifetime I think I’ll have to stick with my skills instead.
I guess I can’t give up. But, I am seriously feeling lost. I have tried things one way and it isn’t working. Dr. Phil would say, how’s that working for ya? And I’d say it is not. So, how do you approach this in a way that is different. If your greatest gift is the ability to be intuitive to when people come to you, then what is the next step to be able to do that more often? I need to get around the people. How? What is the next best step for me? I’m asking. Anyone listening?