I wrote 2 very serious and painful blogs that I left in draft. I’m going to delete them. I’ve mentioned that we have patterns and stories we tell ourselves. In those blogs I wrote of my pain and how my expectations were once again thrown down to the very bottom. I felt so hurt over some actions that I felt winded from the gut shot. I couldn’t post it. I felt that I was throwing someone under the bus and it wasn’t worth it. The next day, still in pain, I wrote another one. It was similar but I was starting to come out of my pain coma and started to see a bit clearly. I articulated myself nicely and couldn’t post that one either.
In this time, I had given up on a birthday celebration. I said it was ridiculous to have one. I had an argument with my husband. I was hurt. And during my flurry of blog posts that only got as far as drafts I just didn’t think I was worth it. It was making me so angry that this pattern of times near my birthday would always end up such a crummy time. It was like the energy of it always brought in negative stuff. I figured fine no one cares why should I, again.
That night I grabbed a book to read while I waited for my son to get ready for bed and him and I were going to work on a book he was reading. He was reading “The One and Only Ivan” which is a fantastic book. But, I grabbed “The Heart of the Soul, Emotional Awareness” by Gary Zukav. I can barely tell you what I read without searching the pages again, but of course I flipped it open to a part that pretty much said that sheltering myself from people was just the work of ego. It struck on everything that I was feeling and of course feeling bad about myself. I vowed I would invite friends over even though I feel absolutely like I have few friends in my neck of the woods.
The next day I did it. A few said they’d come but others said they had plans but their words were chilling. They told me how the invite made their day, or how honored they felt and enjoy my company. I thought that the words that had been sticking with me from Dr. Phil was that I have fought to be right but not to be happy. I honestly didn’t even know who to invite. I struggled but looked through and asked myself who lights up when I run into them. I know it sounds silly in some ways, it feels silly to write this but somehow I told myself that I wasn’t worth the trouble. And since I put that out in the world, the world behaved as it should.
I have changed my life to one that is very lonely because I have been made to feel guilty about loving and spending time with my children, spending time with others and eventually to not rock the boat you just dwindle off of the social planet. I invite nobody and nobody invites me. It just becomes a very bad habit and then you develop a story to tell yourself why this happened. Blame someone else, but you somehow constructed this as your new reality. I wanted someone to jump on the sofa for me and make my life exciting. I thought I would be saved by another. I have realized that with my healing life that no one is coming to help me. I have to realize that my place in the world is only what I put into it. No one is coming to rescue me. I must be my own rescuer, my own savior, my own helper and my best friend. It can’t be left to others. Friends are great support but only if you raise yourself to the point that realizes they are there to support you but you have to make the steps.
Hard lessons. The book made a very strong statement that I’m paraphrasing which stated that the universe will keep giving you the lesson over and over until you get it. I’ve had this happen to me over and over and I have to move on. I will struggle because I have gotten into such a bad habit of this, but the realization has helped. The light was shining on a dark shadow of myself. I see it now. I deserve a celebration for aging one more year. 44 is a lucky number. I am going to find a tiramisu cake too! Tomorrow’s party is the beginning. Happy Birthday to me.