This has been my pattern. Great ideas are born in my mind in private and solitude. But, planting the seed out in public gets my back up. I have the most random thoughts of someone bad mouthing others about an event I might promote. The truth is that they will ignore it and just not go. If I saw someone who I wasn’t interested in advertising for an event I would just pass it on by and not go around telling others not to go. It takes energy to be negative and no one usually cares that much to waste precious time. Why do I self-sabotage? What is behind the fear of trying? I have had the bad moments happen such as no one showing up. I’ve had poor turnouts and great ones too. I think I am past the point that most know I dabble in some meditation, art or healing. It should be no surprise to most people. I shouldn’t feel awkward about talking spiritual. But, somewhere in the recesses of my mind not taking action rubs me the right way in my currency. Do I feel good for a moment when I don’t try? Do I get some satisfaction of being safe? Or staying comfortable? Do I watch the idea float up inside and it flourish in my imagination to watch it wither and die and disintegrate into thin air?
What is wrong with this picture?
I have been really into Dr. Phil’s Living by Design podcast series. He is like a bald headed Tony Robbins begging us all to take action. Write it down. Make a goal. Write those steps down. Find someone to help you stay accountable. He gives tips and advice. But, it says the same thing….take action. Where did I learn this behaviour from? Why did it engrain in my DNA so strongly that it is resistant to my struggles? I have at times “won” and was able to push a step ahead or try something new. I won’t lie, it has been difficult even when accomplished. If I think too much I’ll talk myself out of it. I try to say yes to intuition and then spend the rest of the time talking myself down from the fears. I have held myself accountable and moved forward. But, I want more. I need to not just be asked to do something, but also take initiative to organize some things on my own. I don’t think anyone would be surprised if I organized a meditation class or a paint night so why do I fight with it?
I know there are others that can do what I do. I think about that a lot. But, I remind myself that there are always more people that need help than the ones willing to step up. It takes someone like myself to get through the resistance and hopefully give them strength to try it out themselves.
The one thing I did finally sense about myself from all the things I do is that where I feel really good and that something inside of me lifts is when I do healing work or can speak about healing. I really sensed it after the most recent meditation session at a Woman’s conference. I loved speaking to those woman and seeing the nods of approval or even when the eyes change to reveal that you just gave them an Oprah A-ha moment. It comes so clear to me. I ask for more of that. I truly love it. I feel so darn good. But, I can’t get that from sitting at home waiting for someone to ask me to do it again. I just have to find a way to keep repeating it in some fashion. I would like that to become my true currency. The feeling that I am being the best of myself instead of thinking the worst of it.
We just have to get out there and put ourselves out there once in awhile. It is a rush to run out streaking in the world with an idea. I can’t say it enough that people are looking at their phones to see you out there being all vulnerable but I can guarantee a few will be. In the acknowledgement of being seen part can satisfy a hunger inside of you to want more and wanting more is just the desire to be more of the real you. Do one thing. If you read this and do that one thing let me know what you did and what happened.
My plan is to put out a wine glass painting class and start a new meditation series. It doesn’t matter whether it gets enough interest. I just have to try. You too.