Self-sabotage. Responsibility. Sacrifice. Vulnerability. Fear. Empty. Lack. And Hope.
I went to a healer for my own healing.
I feel like this may be a last blog and testament of me looking back at my past. I am so ready to move on and let those things go. I thought a part of me has let it go, but as I sit on a spiritual plateau especially after this session. I am sure there will be more, but this felt like the big piece for me. In some ways I knew all of this but I guess I needed to hear it all again.
I resisted in asking for help because I have always resisted. It is a pattern. I can do it myself. I can be the martyr is more like it. So, I went to get my Akashic records read which is best described as looking into patterns of behaviours, contracts and even ancestoral doctrines you have picked up or that have developed from childhood or past lives with a whole bunch more explanation that Google could help you with. We didn’t focus on my past lives because I truly don’t care. I wanted to focus on the present life I am living and understand the block in my heart.
You are asked to write down questions before you come to the appointment which are far more detailed than yes or no questions. I wrote down a bunch but most all were related questions. Big things that came up after asking those questions is my fear around money. My fear that I couldn’t make a living out of being a healer. She said I have a strong gift in helping others. I have abandoned myself in order to make others happy, by sacrificing my life for theirs. Staying comfortable. Lacking the ability to receive from others. This part about receiving was hard for me and hard to accept that it is true. I feel stingy with stuff because it always seemed there was never enough and that includes money. But, I am not open to receive a gift. I haven’t had a birthday cake purchased for me in so freaking long. I cannot remember the last time that happened. Any cake that I have gotten is because I got it. Then I quit buying them because it didn’t feel good. Is it sad that somehow I sacrificed my own birthday celebrations?
She also told me that I focus on healing and doing the work that I get bothered when I hit a plateau. Spirit tells her that that I should take this time and enjoy my life. I get looking past the surface and miss what is going on around me.
You know it bothers me that I have someone pointing out my mistakes. I know it isn’t what she’s doing. But, my first instinct is to defend myself. I feel anger. I have to sit with that knowing that it isn’t true, but my mistakes look like flags of vulnerability that I don’t want anyone to see. Embarrassment. I have to let that feeling go.
At one point we did a guided meditation that asked me to go back to an early memory of where I decided that I had to abandon myself. I pictured myself in a crowd of adults and no one paying attention to me. She asked how I felt there. Alone. Bored. Sad. No one noticed me. It reminded me of all the visits to my parent’s friends that were older and had no children at home. I sat in many a living room watching peasant-vision (3 channel TV) while my parents played cards. Or in darkened rooms with toys that were too young for me. I remember many moments like that of playing alone and being alone.
We moved on from that to talk to my younger self that stood there. Again, this is a guided meditation to embrace your younger self that made a decision to keep that feeling in her heart. I was asked to chat with her and let the past go and that as an adult you can make different choices. I placed my mother in front of me along with her ancestors. She told me to have hope. Release. I placed my father in front me along with his ancestors. What surprised me about my father’s family is that the patterns they carried felt the heaviest. They had the most to say about following my path and dissolving the fear. Many of them have passed with diseases and said to move forward and learn the lessons. Both families took back their ancestoral conditioning they have given me. My husband was put in front of me with his ancestors. They had advice as well and any conditioning they put upon me being married to my husband could not be removed. She said that was accurate since it wasn’t my family. But, they said that he is here to help me heal by continually exposing the wounds and fears I have with not being enough.
The advice and messages were that if I had an inspiration that I needed to write it down and then ask what is the next steps. Release the pattern of the logical mind sabotaging it. She told me that I just had to align that I truly believe that I can be successful in following my passion and making money at it. Issues with receiving anything: She asked me how I felt with the conversation and I honestly felt so uncomfortable. I haven’t wanted to celebrate my birthday because I don’t want to plan it. But, my issue is that I wanted someone else to put it together. I wanted someone else to buy me a birthday cake. And, the truth is that my birthday symbolizes that want for someone to do something that never happens. Expectations that eventually dissolved into having none at all. She said maybe throw a birthday party. I thought that was funny because I have felt that I need to do something with my birthday this year since I’m going to be 44 and thought they are lucky numbers. Auspicious numbers. I do want to change my habits. A couple days ago I let my birthday on Facebook be public. I had it private for so long because it is like I wanted to sabatoge the joy of having people say Happy Birthday. It is sad that I have limited the simple acts of love that I could receive.
So, this all sounds great, but… to put it in practice. It is a good reminder that I tell my own clients that the healing begins within and I can’t hold their hand through it. They have to make a choice to really want to acknowledge what is holding them back. So, now it’s me.
As I think back on my own healing session and all the things that were said it was a good mix of being irritated, sad and hopeless. I know that most people walk away with feeling good and light but these issues with me have been so long lived that it is like passing over a dark corner with a flashlight and then told change it while it remains in the dark. I struggled with the memory of everything that was said so I felt like I had to write it down for my own self.
I have to pursue the ideas I have and write them down and then formulate a plan. If I don’t know the next step I have to ask.
I have to open my heart and feel vulnerable.
I have to stop sacrificing my happiness in order to make others happy including my children. I give so much to make sure they are happy and I always think one day when they are older that I won’t have to do it anymore and can give more to myself, but I think by then it will be too late for me. I want to give them what I never had, but in that I think they may be missing out on resilience and self-power.
Throw myself a birthday party.
To have hope that I can have good things happen to me and that I can have big dream for the future and that is can come to reality.