*Disclaimer: My life is not dark and dreary. Most of the time I would describe it as neutral, but that is the part of life I am tired of and seek to find more….happiness. The point is to pull down the walls that keep me enclosed.
It is a struggle at times to actively write in my blog. I’m sure there is no one in cyberspace that is disappointed, but I feel it for myself. I’ve mentioned that this blog is like a journal. I go back and read it and sometimes the woman in the post doesn’t feel like me anymore (which is good, letting stuff go) and sometimes she is extremely wise. At times my lack of writing it is because I cannot articulate what I want to say and sometimes I have nothing to say. But, this particular blog has been building up. I have worked on writing it, but the universe didn’t allow it to come to fruition. Until now.
For the last couple weeks I have made an effort to be aware of my eating food and drinking alcohol. We all know that we use excess food or drink to numb pain. I could blame my weight gain alone on working at an office job the last 5 years, but I knew that there was more to it. Brene Brown says that we think drinking is to numb one thing but it numbs it all. I wouldn’t say I was eating bags of chips and chocolate, but just eating more than what I was using. My other bad habit is eating too fast. Slowing down would allow my stomach to catch up to the bites I was taking. Easy. I wasn’t asking to do anything crazy but be aware. I ate less. I drank less. I did that because at times I asked myself why I wanted something. I wanted to feel what was there before I fed the wolf. This would mean I would have to feel the feelings that I have been avoiding because I knew alcohol worked, but I wondered what the food aspect would reveal.
I felt empty.
Physically with nothing in my stomach I had forgotten that feeling of being hungry. Food had been my subconscious reaction to entertaining, satisfaction and not being poor. I can think when I was in college how I was hungry more times than not. Money was short and my extra money went to my entertainment fund. Being hungry was a good thing. After some time, my body got used to eating less at a meal and with hardly any snacks.
Then, there was another emptiness in spirit and soon after I felt flooded with emotions. I felt everything from anxiety, anger and sadness. I didn’t like it. Where was it all coming from? I’d like to think that I am making head way into my healing, but I know I am still peeling away the layers.
It hasn’t gone away. I continue to feel this but in some ways it is dissipating. What is revealing itself why feeling all these unpleasant emotions? I feel stuck in some ways. The extra weight makes me feel unable to be active and carefree. The alcohol takes away any ambition I might have had and even the extra financial cost of it. It is more than those things. I want to do more, but I have made excuses. And alcohol hasn’t been much of a social thing anymore because I don’t do much for social activities. It was something I was reaching for to take away the feelings I didn’t want to feel.
I have been doing more. I have said yes to things that originally make me feel uncomfortable and they work out just fine. I have made calls and created some opportunities that wouldn’t have to come to me otherwise. I recently did a wine glass painting event. It was awesome. I worried and it unraveled into a great event. If anyone enquires I do my best to sell the products that I have to offer and then release that anything will happen. So far it has worked really well.
And then, I come to revelations about myself that have been lingering a long time which is a heaviness in my heart. I struggle with love. I want to lift the weight off my heart but it has been there a long time. I love others but I never feel that is free. I give love and I want it in return. That isn’t what happens sometimes.
“It can be a challenge to learn to love another in a way that does not harm you. Perhaps you learned that love was about making yourself less in order to help another feel more. This is not love. Nor is it consciously chosen sacrifice. It is the heart acting out its scars from the past. Your heart deserves to experience real love.” – oracle deck
Love is the answer. But, I continue to limit that love.
My stripping down to get to the emptiness makes me feel the weight in my heart. It is a big block. Someone once told me that the wall isn’t there. I created it. If I tell myself in this exact moment that it isn’t there it feels less. But, what has continually happened is that I’ll be good alone but then get around others and I struggle all over again. People who say they love me hurt me too. And, if the quote is correct I am just acting out scars of the past. The part of the quote that I want to happen is to love others so that I don’t take their rejection or lack of being able to love me back personally. I just want to love because love leads to happiness and joy. Otherwise, I can’t take chances if I am always feeling too neutral and protected.
Love is taking the chance. Love leads to joy. I am scaling this wall. I have to find the opportunities that bring me to this more. Peace out!