Note to Self

I always used to use that expression, “note to self” when I wanted to remember something. I haven’t used it in a long time and it came to me when I was thinking that I have had a lot of little things come up and felt they were important and didn’t want to forget. Here goes…

Note to Self:

I want to remember that all that has happened was to propel me forward. Even in the darkest times, my biggest failures, my rock bottoms, bad choices and shame happened to me for a Divine reason. At the time, I was in despair, but retrospect has changed me beyond what was possible if only I had good times going on in my life. If you were asked what situation has defined you; the reply would never be the trip to Hawaii it would always be the parts of life that has shaken you up.

Thoughts aren’t real, but if you have enough of the wrong ones they come into being. Our mind is a great story teller, but much of that is our fears and memory reels of past handling of issues that comes up to solve present moment problems. It isn’t real and that is why focusing on the present moment helps us process old thoughts and patterns. But, if you continue to tell yourself that life won’t get any better or that you are not enough the universe will shape your life to provide you just what you requested. Focus on stopping that voice and create a positive change.

Meditation has been key. It is the only way to be clear and to hear the soul whispers. I can’t say it enough. Meditation is instrumental for my life. You can find it in many religions in all forms. I think of times the ladies gathered at the front pew of church holding their rosary beads reciting prayer over and over again. They were all finding their peace. It is no different if you repeat a mantra. Settling the mind to embrace the present moment is a gift every time it happens. Exercise and walks in nature are good starts too, but closing your eyes and breathing and finding stillness is so important to well-being.

Instead of eating or drinking or drug use to numb your pain…sit in it. Sit in the pain and feel it and ask yourself what it is and where is it coming from. We spend a lifetime not wanting to face our pains from our past, but we must. We don’t live there anymore. I have sat with my grief recently because I felt that it was over and crying over it again seems to go against moving on. But, as I grow older my past comes up to be released. I can process it now. I can move from a place of rejection from my mother to her loving me now. She boldly loves me more now than I recall of our time together. It brings me peace and tranquility. It has made me look at food and alcohol in a way that makes me ask, am I eating or drinking because I need you for value or that I am in a lovely socializing moment with my friend, or am I using it because I have a million things on my list and I feel anxiety and can’t cope. I beg myself to sit in the anxiousness if it is the latter. Spirituality books say time and again that having an outside source take away the pain for the short term does not take the truth of your self at the core.

We will always grow and change no matter what age we are. I hope to continue my curiosity to the end of my life. I watch so many think that life ends after retirement or that we are expected to go into poor health when we are older. It is important to me not to fall into society shortcomings. It seems we were never told we could be the best and have value as we age and I hope to change that.

I think my biggest gift to the world is that I have the ability to heal others. I have struggled with this gift because many people take from me. I always joke that some person will sit with me all night and tell me what a great conversation we had, but what they don’t realize that the whole time they talked about themselves while I naturally gave them tidbits of life information. After many events like this I started to believe that it was a conspiracy that I continued to feel rejected. I was enough to talk to but not enough to get to know better. I randomly have people ask me for advice or words of encouragement of their situation but rarely ask me about myself. I have taken that to heart over the years, but I finally realized that they come to me for the spiritual seeing and that I have a couple friends that truly ask me about my life and that is enough. I have dropped the feeling of being used and just feel like an anchor for many. But, my true refills of my own spirit come from my time of meditation and spending quality time with my tribe of friends. I am so grateful for them seeing me as a strong figure, but still calls me out on my shitty human issues in the most loving way.

My husband tells me that people don’t think like I do and recently a friend mentioned this too. She always wants me to rally cry the same as her, but in heavy situations I can’t think of it in the same way. It is like a big problem comes up and I focus on pulling the veil that surrounds it. I want to see clearly why it has come up or happened. No bad thing comes up unless you’ve called it in. And I know that is hard to hear but, it comes back to our thoughts and how they can create a reality even if we are thinking of what we don’t want. We could argue about death and why it happens too young or too soon, but death is the one thing that ends the contract we started when we enter this life. It is a huge fear to many and inevitable to all.

And this is why our fears need to be examined. Our biggest fears have a way of coming into fruition to help us get past them. We must look at them. We must understand why we feel that way. And we must call ourselves out loud or in writing what those fears are. If it is too much then seek some professional help. Most of these fears are irrational and are from some childhood belief that were told to us or we felt immense pain from and now have created the fear.

And no matter your “high standards” for a clean house or the best material things is that if you are a crappy person the stuff/appearance mean nothing. You are missing out if you’re focus is on pretty, perfect and notoriety. The character of who you authentically are is the most wanted aspect of you that is being called for in the world. Answer the call of connection with others, love, gratitude and grace.

Embrace who I am. Accept myself. Love myself. Stay aware.


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