Reality. It is such a stark contrast to imagination. The truth compared to story telling. It bares all and I have to look at it. It sucks. Sigh, accept it, but quickly I turn to the story telling part of my brain that wants to make everything okay. But, awareness keeps on teaching me that it isn’t real. The truth is the real deal. No sugar coating, justifying, finger pointing will make the truth any less real.
I treat this blog like my old journals that I used to write in. I share bits of my life. I wrote in quite a few over the years. My resistance is strong in sharing on my blog. I want to focus on my truth and not the “stories” which puts a damper on sharing. I am not saying I’m a big liar but I know my mind wants to make everything ok. I’ve really been learning to instead of saying that it is fine I sit in my pain, anxiety and look at where it comes from. Lately I have been feeling down and embracing those feelings. In speaking about these old journals, I picked one up recently and started flipping through it. I was naïve thinking that it would be a lovely walk through memory lane because it turned into a harsh reality check. I was very candid with my thoughts which was better than my teenage journals which were written in code and I could barely understand what or who I was even describing. “I went with T and L and S. We were at B and then later went to WT.” Ha! What? But, the reality of my more recent handwritten journals in 2004 and 2005 were that I was under the impression before I read them that I had grown some but there was some harshness in the words that I haven’t changed much at all. I wrote about financial worries and loneliness which is still the same issues I grapple with at present. I mentioned how I wanted to go back to school or do anything, but didn’t know how it was possible to pay for any of it. And then, talked about how it was difficult that no one lived close by and they were all busy. It wasn’t on one page, but throughout the years just different scenarios and situations.
It shook me up. I felt stifled back then that I feared taking any big chances because I didn’t have the money. I make more money now but feel the exact same way. As for the loneliness, I was in the midst of having my second child then. I really hoped that I would find more people to share my life with, but that has not changed. Everyone was busy back then and they continue to be busy. I was hoping that I would find more freedom when my children didn’t depend on me so much. I do have more free time but few to spend it with. It isn’t like the friends aren’t there but they don’t live close by and really they do have a life of their own and families to take care of just as I do.
But, the conclusion is that these things didn’t change because I didn’t make any real effort to make them change. Darn awareness, it never allows you to blame others but to look at yourself. I did get the better job and make more money, but it does seem the more money you make the more you spend and in my case; share in the family financial responsibility which includes braces for 2 out of the 3. I’m fairly sure once the 2 are done the last one will need as well. My friend reminds me that I also helped my children by being able to give them opportunities that the old me back then could never have given them. True.
I went to bed that night wondering about myself and I felt so blindsided that I had wasted all this time with the same problems. Tears welled up in my eyes. But, then some other memories flooded my mind of all the people I have helped over the years. I may not have overcome some of my own issues but I know I have been a huge support to others as they have gone through hard times or just knowing someone had their back. I think of all the times I have been thanked or told I changed their life. And just to prove it I will share some recent comments that I have been told…
“Thank you and actually a lot has changed, my belief has a lot to do with your session and things have prevailed so thank you. Will be coming back soon to see you.”
“I have a beautiful soul sister that just commented she’s not as in touch with herself as I am and I told her I was going to bring her to the person that opened the doors for me….that’s you.”
“I cannot thank you enough. You also have a friend for life. I will be back! Thank you thank you thank you!!”
I’m not trying to brag but I know what I do makes a difference to people. I need to remind myself that I have changed. I have done more outside of my Self than I ever did before. If anyone had said that I would teach painting, meditation classes or that I would do energy healing I would have thought they were crazy.
And as for my issues, in order to heal I have to remind myself that I can always contact a friend and any one of them if I reached out would chat with me. I am not alone nor am I a victim. And, I am tackling my money very differently this year. I am focused on writing down what is going on each month and being more organized with a budget. I see how easily I get anxious when a lot of bills come down and need to remind myself that I am not alone and that I have always managed to pay and take of my responsibilities. Just breathe. And, make sure I have money to have fun too.
I am capable of change. I accept myself. I hope you do too.