A Prison I Made

Here it begins.

Debbie Ford isn’t with us anymore. But, her work on our shadow self is just as needed. I have studied it in the past, but the one thing I learned is that if you open the door and take a peak that you will get a good taste of what is there. Most of us want to slam the door and go back into denial. I do too. But, each time I look it seems that I get a little closer to the truth. 

My anxiety has started to come back. It signals that I have an opportunity to change but my old stuff wants me to remain the same. I want to create more in my life, but where I get stuck is that I do not have the tools at my disposal to create this life. I have to do things I have never done before. I have to be someone I am not. I feel so uncomfortable with the notion of it that it put me into a very high anxiety state.

The more I struggle and cannot shake it the more I want to numb it with alcohol. A glass of wine that will numb the pain and body. You just want the one worry to disappear, but the problem with alcohol, food and drugs is that it has no discrepancy for which pain that you want to numb; it numbs everything. I have had this battle many times and the wine wins every single time. So, instead of the wine I have to sit with the weight on my heart. It didn’t go away. I struggled for a full breath. I still feel it held there. And no, it isn’t a heart condition, but I know why people mistake anxiety for heart attacks.

I meditated and asked what to do. Not once did they say open the merlot. I kept having the thought I had to embrace this heaviness on my heart. My original thinking was how to get rid of it, but instead I was supposed to embrace this feeling that made me feel sick and love, support and hold it with some esteem. What I pictured is my younger self at the beginning of feeling inadequate. And you know when that was? As soon as I started being around others. Comparison. Not enough. Blah blah blah. But, this time I see how I have built my self in a prison. A fortress. So, I held my young self with love and remembered the innocence of that time. It’s all I ever wanted was to be loved and treasured.

Debbie Ford says that all the we fear in our shame and pain is in our shadow. We spend our life hiding it because we want to show the outside a better version of our self. And then to keep up that life we are not living our true self. We must befriend that part of ourselves so that we can heal and move ahead in our most authentic self.

img_4206Panache Desai says fear is not weakness which reiterates Debbie Ford’s message. Our fears are actually what we need to use to move forward. So, it goes against everything we have ever done in our past.

My biggest struggles is to be truly putting myself out there. I have passion but scared to show it. I want someone to come in and save me and it is me that has to save myself. I have been so guarded and have found shelter in being right that I am unable to listen to others for advice and to ask for help. I have been stuck thinking that I am fine where I am but now sitting in the truth of my anxiety ridden heart I see the mud for what it is. The wine would temporarily give me a bit of amnesia until I woke up and realized that nothing changed or went away. It has been this cycle of fear and get back to comfortable as fast as you can.

Now, I am uncomfortable and holding the key to release myself from this prison. This is the most ready I have been. I must do the things that I have been scared to do to experience the things I have wished for. If I don’t ask for what I need the need will just get bigger. Wish me luck.

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