It is nearly a month into my resolution to love myself more. I bet you all have wondered, how’s it going? Well, it has a different outcome then I could have predicted.
The affirmations have been really helpful. I found a sense of peace taking my few moments in the morning to repeat them and then using them throughout the day or before I went to bed. But, what I noticed is that my self-worth was badly burdened with the bricks and mortar I had built up around myself to protect. I thought I was strong, but I soon realized that the affirmations affected me that it brought up all the pain that I have tried to hide or bury and because my body doesn’t want to hold it; it all came up. It sounds difficult, which it is, but also helpful. Reading The Four Agreements reminds you that I made my own agreements and accepted the negative things said about me. I need to make new agreements which the affirmations were there to show me what I wanted now. It really showed me my addictions and patterns. All things in my life that are not working is a cycle. I get a good idea and I take a step forward and then I start talking myself out of it and get busy with activities that mean nothing to me and then the idea goes away. Or, I have an evening free and drink some wine, eat some chips and then watch something on TV. I always regret it because I could have done something I wanted. What’s the point? The thing is that the pattern has gone on a long time, but as my affirmations have gone on as well I feel differently about myself. I want more. I am deserving of good things. It has been easier to decide to do a workout, write or read for myself.
The 30 day yoga challenge changed a bit. I just vowed to do some form of exercise which does include yoga. Some nights I go for a walk when my son is at practice. We have a fitness room so sometimes I’d go in there. I can say I did some form of exercise everyday. My body thanks me for it. I have an office job and I sit a lot. I then drive kids to practices and then watch games. It is a lot of sitting watching others exercise. I am shocked how certain areas of my body felt so weak and how they are getting stronger. There is great YouTube videos of office workouts and different workouts that are easy to do and make you feel you’ve accomplished something. The only funny thing with a quick office workout is that if someone calls and you’re out of breath it is difficult to explain what you were doing.
I also added Kyle Gray’s 111 day challenge to raise your vibration. I am still continuing that and it has been really good. He always mentions something to take in your day such as today’s suggestion that the light from you extends out around the world. He typically asks you to put your hands on your heart and take some breaths and then says some things that will resonate with you until next time. It has been fantastic and has added some extra boost to my morning.
Overall, this has been a struggle. I’ve had some positive things happen, but it also has brought up the old stuff which instead of burying out back I need to acknowledge it doesn’t serve me anymore. I need to forgive myself for carrying it for so long. In some cases, forgive the person that said or did anything to me that made me think badly of myself all those years ago. I have had the most challenges this month. I know this seems to defeat the purpose but it has truly been a way to see myself in a not so kind light. I am full of problems, fears and controlling tendencies. I don’t want to risk anything so I don’t fail. I have refused to take chances because I don’t want to fall. I have cried more this past month then I probably did last year. I distract myself with wine or food so that I don’t have to do anything. It just numbs everything.
But….the big awareness is that I have finally found some tools to get me started. Exercise has been a big help. The affirmations have made me feel kinder to myself. I have had some really challenging situations with people and I have either been able to calm the situation or let it go. It has been gratifying. I have work to do. I want to take an idea and proceed ahead. I want to take a risk and release it to the Universe instead of extinguishing it before it even begins. I want to go back to wild and free over overburdened and full of responsibilities.
So, I will continue on with my positive affirmations, keep moving everyday, monitor my eating and drinking and taking an active role in making healthy choices for my future and raising my vibration. Nothing is going to change for my resolution because 30 days is only the start to the rest of my life. And as I said, failure of a resolution is in direct proportion to the pain you’ve been hiding. Because whatever it is you want to change it is tied to some painful part of your self that you’ve been keeping down. I guess the biggest surprise is the reality that I have hidden a large amount of pain that I didn’t want to deal with back then, but now it is time. I got this and so do you.