As I continue on this loving myself revolution I will say that it isn’t anything that I thought it would be. I clearly understand why people fail at resolutions because the things they want to change are tied to things they want to hide. Changing requires us the feelings and thoughts to come up and we have to acknowledge them. But, hiding the pain is why we are stuck in the first place.
I am loving the aspects of this resolution challenge because it has seriously got hard. I love listening to Kyle Gray and his Raise Your Vibration challenge for 111 days. I have made more effort to exercise and do yoga. I have kept up with the affirmations but they are a huge struggle for me. Example, “I am noticed and appreciated in the most positive ways. I am loved.” So, when a “loved” one says I think I’m perfect (not in a good way) and I’m annoying I felt like I was punched in the gut. I have been reading the Four Agreements and so I repeated to myself not to take it personally. I calmed down and acknowledged that it hurt me. In awareness it is about them and not about me. They use those words to cut me down and put me in my place, because suggesting anyone is perfect in “that” tone is saying I think I’m better than others. It is laughable because here I am struggling to keep my head above water and knowing I carry some harbored secrets of my deepest regrets, pain and fears and somehow someone still thinks I should be knocked down.
This world is a tough place. No one wants to be happy for anyone. It is dog eat dog. Look out for your own. Can it really truly be this way? No. There are people like-minded. I have a couple people in my life that say supportive comments. I cannot base my whole life on one thing that is said especially when it isn’t true for me but, this is how I got here. I have lived a life of people saying things to me that then I made an “agreement” within and held it close to me. I am ugly. I have a nice body but my boobs hang a little low. I talk too much. I don’t have nice teeth. I would be prettier if I didn’t have so many scars on my face. Etc. I kept these close to my heart and just repeated or limited what I could think of myself. So, now I am doing the work to change these agreements and really examining the Four Agreements from the book by Don Miguel Ruiz.
My resolution of loving myself more has made me realize how little I do. It has brought up the worst pain in me and what I have believed so tragically to be true about me. So, everything leads me to love myself more. I continue on with these affirmations and putting my health as a priority. In the end, I want to do amazing things but I have to do the work. No wonder it was such a burden on the heart when I would dream of doing great things and then nothing would happen I felt like such a disappointment, but I truly wasn’t doing the work. I wanted to stay safe and not take any risks. I wanted good fortunes to fall on my lap without making the effort. I was so lost in my thinking that someone else would help me and in my silence not one person saw me. I thought it was them, but it was me not speaking up and speaking out. I may have been accused of talking a lot but I don’t say what I want and as my cards have revealed to me that I need to set some clear intentions. I did. I wrote them down.
So, there are positives to this post. I promise. I am doing a meditation teaching course which I am super excited about. I made contact with a lady who runs a flower farm to do a day event involving her flowers, yoga and meditation (last part led by me). She said the one thing that I knew made it fit right, “This is perfect timing.” I am excited where this will take me and I will continue to do the work especially when it is hard. The harder it is the more layers come off to get to my authentic self. The more that is revealed the more I can help others. The more I can help others the more that goodness spreads.
Bless you all on your time of discovering your own self, but when it gets juicy; don’t quit.