I wanted to update all of you a week ago. I was on a euphoric-high and wanted to tell you all about it. I was so pumped! It was going to say something like….this positive thinking thing freaking works!! But, I got busy and didn’t have a chance. And then, real life started happening and I don’t feel like I am on such a high now. But, now I feel that this moment is actually more important to update you on.
I saw some really great improvements in my life. I had more clients come, more paint nights booked and had unexpected money. I was feeling good and full of gratitude. Releasing resentment and anger were helping with my relationships around me.
If you are in any bit of awareness you realize that when you think you got something figured out the universe always asks you, do you really?
In the last couple days the resentment started coming back. I know it is because of the thoughts I have which have a constant thread of not being appreciated, seen or heard. Last night, every time I woke up I would start repeating my affirmations. Every time I have a not great encounter I repeat “I release all resentment and anger.” It is great and it helps. The problem is that I need to look at these things. Why does this come up? And, what is the base of it?
I can keep it positive and recite the affirmations, but if I don’t acknowledge what some of the old stuff is that is so buried and when someone says something that touches that wound it brings up the old feelings. This is about me and not the person who says it. I have to deal with them as things come up, but my reaction and hurt feelings is what happens to me and is what I control.
To help myself I’m going to list the thing that comes up and brings up old feelings:
Not being able to ask for help, but instead resenting others for not knowing my needs even if I haven’t voiced out loud what I want. And then, if they get smart and do offer help I have now taken the place of a martyr and say that’s ok I’m fine. Because somewhere secretly I have this victim mentality that no one sees me or needs me and expect it every time to be like that. Somewhere in the thought that I’ll never be chosen for the team, no one will show up for me, and I’ll get stuck with the job myself. Because, if they help me, see me than I have no victim story to tell.
pause here to shed some tears
I think that comes from watching my mother be that person too. I don’t know at the time if I saw her in my young years, but I do think that being this age now and looking back on that time she probably felt very similar. So, it is what I was taught to be like. Be the martyr mother, wife and let your personal self resent every moment of it to the point that you want to escape to a place that has no one needing you one iota. I remember her pulling away from us to the point she took a night shift position 40 minutes away at a truck stop to work. But, I know what happened not long after that is she got diagnosed with ovarian cancer. And this is why I resolve to look at myself clearly. I truly want to release the resentment I feel on how others treat me. I want to be appreciated and supported and not fearful accepting help. I want to feel like I deserve other people’s time instead of feeling like a burden to them and that if they could help me they would just as I would for them.
The ovaries lie in the area of our sacral chakra energy. It is where we feel connected with others, our sexuality and relationship energy goes there. If I can’t open my heart to feel more connected and just resentful instead then I am doing myself a disservice every single time.
This love myself more resolution is truly a gift and coming at a crucial time. I want to truly let the old stuff go. I want to be held accountable for my actions and what I am putting out in the world by actions as well as thoughts. Positive thinking isn’t enough, you really have to look at what keeps coming up again and again. Those things need to have the light of awareness shine on them. I forgive myself and release old beliefs and ways of doing things. I want to break the cycle.
I love myself. I appreciate myself. I release all resentment and anger.