I have suffered this week.
My dad did not have a good weekend.
His bad weekend put fear in my heart. I worry about him. Then I had to step into action to try to get him help. Of course, I felt weak in my spirit so other things piled up and the anxiety started creeping in until it felt full blown crazy.
Then the habit that I has been a crippling issue had come back in full force. It is a combination of repeating a conversation that I have had or will have or may never have. It is my way to work through something, but it causes anxiety and physical pain. I had worked on it a couple years ago and felt that it was a lot better. I would tell myself to stop. I’d ask myself does this serve you and then get still.
I felt super weak. The difference this time was that I kept being aware that I was failing and that old habits that I had thought died came back just as bad as they used to be. It was the worst one night when I had taken care of some things and thought that I should feel better but I had a phone call in the morning. My patience was thin and I couldn’t stop going over this phone call because I thought it was the magic piece to get my dad some extra help. Turns out all my tossing and turning and going over and over had nothing to do with getting my dad help because the phone call that I made before I went to bed is what got him the assistance the next morning.
I know in the deep recesses of my mind that ALL of the time my conversation analysis never goes as I thought it would. I know that I should not even get started but I think that I do it to try to get control over the fear but I end up feeding it instead.
My friend asked me, what is that proving to yourself? I replied that nothing is mastered. Staying in awareness and keeping up the practice of stillness is the only way to be in control. And even then control in how I am using the word is surrendering the worry and fear to God/Universe/Source and allowing the universe to be as it should be. So, there is really no control but an agreement with the Source of all energy to allow life to move and flow.
I have never felt as vulnerable as I do now. And with that I head into the weekend with another art show. The foot traffic to this one will be high and I really am excited and scared. But, I feel like a wound opened and instead of finding a way to slam it shut and guard it I think I need to let it bleed. I have learned that controlling the wound never lets it heal. That is why I thought my negative self-talk was dead and gone, but it was very much alive. So, this time I want to really look at it and feel it and let my hands run through it to get to the heart of where that fear resides in me.
Vulnerability is where I will find joy. And, I will get still and allow what I think are the worst things I carry with me and look at them more closely and love all parts of me. What I think of as a weakness probably would be the most beautiful aspect of me to another. My vulnerability would give others a chance to express their own.