Can’t Go Back

I’ve been working on this spiritual awareness stuff for awhile. I struggle. Sometimes I think I want to go back to the heavy veil over my eyes before there was awareness of the bigger picture. So, I let my mind wander back about 9 years ago. I was getting my worse cases of anxiety. My little girls were in elementary school and I struggled with them telling me their struggles. I would have been calling the school more. I would have probably developed some illnesses and depression. I had very little friends in the community and I had a constant war inside of knowing that this wasn’t important, but thinking it was everything. I lived in constant fear. I wanted to make my home a safe and comfortable place, but I know that comfortable isn’t safe at all. You never take a risk and you can’t discover your passion.

Raising children has been a constant reminder to them and me that so many have fears and concerns about their own lives. My comments to my girls this morning on their first day of school was that to keep an open heart and that where you struggle others struggle too. It is just that we all try to deal with it differently. I always apologize to them that I may have ruined their high school experience by trying to show the other side to their own life. I love them, but the world doesn’t revolve around us. They are also powerful beings that can make positive change within their groups of friends with just a small energetic response.

My oldest was asking if grade 11 was tough for me. I said my mother had cancer and school was a place to not think about it. I said I suffered because I pretended that all was well. I told her that I couldn’t quite compare my time with hers, but that everyone is trying to spread their wings and some do it better then others. I said if you watch you’ll see all kinds of growth from your classmates. There will be ones that stay focused on their studies, others who focus on their passions and others who can’t make sense of what is going on but want to take a leap. Some of these youths will fall hard and others will soar and others will do both.

What kind of mother would I have been if I had been stuck in my comfortable but fearful place? I don’t know If I could have gotten out of my own shell to really help my daughters navigate the world. I think I would have yelled at them more and freaked out about everything they do. But, my response to them now is that I tell I am ticked off about bad behavior but I love them. I want them to learn to have empathy and to do the right thing. I don’t want them to live in fear and know that it is better to release their pain off their heart then to keep it in.

But, I know that I can’t go back because once you see you can’t pretend you don’t see it.  anymore. I do understand the thinking that if you have awareness that it is actually more difficult because you see your stuff that hinders you on moving forward and you have to face the resistance. It actually seems easier to be the victim and blame others and wear the veils of denial.

My life has brought me here. I can’t go back. But, I need strength. I’m asking.

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