It was late last night and I left my last blog post hanging. It was late. I am not having a good day. I asked the question, how do I hold myself accountable to my path? I realized that feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable seems to be the only way. And comfort causes more issues which seems so contrary to everything a human wants to feel…peace. I decided that when I feel that way it is just an illusion. Real ups and downs are better for me then just staying comfortable.
But, I don’t want to chase the pain away. I don’t want to push it down. I don’t want to eat or drink anything to calm it. I just want to accept it. I want to look at it and feel compassion and love for myself. I want to let it go and leave my body and fill the space with new passion.
It feels sad and scary here in this spot in the way that my worst fears come up. I’m tired of telling myself it’s ok when it doesn’t feel ok. I don’t want to do the same things that I have always done since I continue to come back to this same exact place. I get angry that I am not moving forward. Others get angry at me that I am not doing what they want. No one is happy in either scenario. The anger rises and then I start moving on my path. Why does chaos bring out who I really am?
This has come up more than once. I write my best when I’m sad or paint inspiring pieces when I’m reflective on my life. And now when I’m angry on how I’m being treated then I make more steps to follow my path. Is this the answer? Am I to use the agony of my life to be most creative? The answer is simply yes. What was I doing previous? Trying to will the pain away by medicating it with food or drinks or some other distractive measures but not wanting to shed the weight of the pain away. I wasn’t willing to use it to get off the ground and fly. I was scared to look at it. I was scared to see that what I have been told all these years isn’t true about me but has been said so many times that its a jacket that seems to fit so you wear it. Everyone else is wearing their jacket of shame and fear. It changes styles and some you don’t notice and others are emblazoned with the word victim on it. The ones you don’t notice are the ones that want to hide it. They want to look perfect in an imperfect world. The ones who are showing the pain constantly tell their story over and over again. They pain they felt in the past is brought up again in the present.
The conclusion is we are all going to have ups and downs but we must not hide from the pain we feel. We must sit back in our seat of our soul and just look at it and watch it fade and disappear. It is not meant to stay with us. If you are searching for others to love you then you must love yourself first. You must approve of yourself first. You must give yourself permission. You must know deep down you are worthy and deserving of all great abundances. It starts with me and it starts with you. If you are not where you thought you should be then make sure you remind yourself that this is not who I are really am and let’s make a step together to not be here stuck in the muck.
I love me.
I am enough.
I am worthy.
I am smart.
I am capable.
I am love.
I am grateful.
I am joy.
I will ask for help because being vulnerable isn’t weak, but a form of empowerment.
I will raise my spirit up.
I will accept the ups and downs so that I am open to the lessons.
I will forgive.
I will love. I will be love.
I will have compassion.