Change My Self

Change. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. I have changed so much but I was wondering what was the shift and when and where that happened. There has been pivotal moments that I can remember and felt the need to write them down so I never forget.

I remember I had the most bittersweet year of 2012. We had built our house. We had lived in our fifth wheel camper for 110 days. My body physically was in pain. My feet hurt. I had helped dig, hammer, prepared meals, parented and everything in between. It was such a hot summer and the saving grace was that our camper had air conditioning. We slept well. But, I had had a cleaning job and I had got let go because of cutbacks. It hurt. It was my extra cash and I was going to miss it. By the time we moved in and the physical pain really set in all I could do was sleep and just function. Christmas rolled around and I was depressed. I had my youngest in playschool and so on those mornings I decided to volunteer at the library. The librarian and I talked and I learned a lot about the system, but she encouraged me to find some casual work through the school. I applied for that job as well as another job cleaning houses for senior’s. I thank the librarian for being such a kind voice and of course the job that I got in the neighboring school as an assistant and also the cleaning work. It became the start of great change for me.

In that same time while we started building the house I started courses to get an Administrative diploma. By the following year I had met a guy I had worked with before but he was looking for a cleaner for his offices. I took the job and worked it a few months and then the autumn season hit and his summer student that helped in the office was leaving and so I asked if I could take over her office job. He told me that it would start slow but if I was willing to wait it out the job would start to get more and more. It was perfect for me. It took another year before it got to be full time, but it was perfect while my youngest got through kindergarten. This job changed my life. I made more money and could quit my cleaning jobs and stopped working in the school. It was close to home and to the school as well as flexible to go on field trips and dealing with sick kids. I still work this job and I am still grateful for it.

But, the real changes were not just financially. I had some mental and spiritual awakenings as well. Reading “A New Earth” by Eckart Tolle and “The Untethered Soul” by Micheal A. Singer were life changing. It shined the light on ego and awareness. Then the quote that changed everything was “I fill myself with love, and I send that out into the world. How others treat me is their path: how I react is mine.” Dr. Wayne Dyer. It made me start seeing the difference of what others are saying are doing is not about me and what I am saying and doing IS about me. The narrative in my head isn’t real. These books and the path it led me on started a ripple effect.

It also woke up my love of art. I picked up a pencil and did some drawings. It then went to painting. It slowly went to a few pieces for me, consigning into a store and hosting paint nights.

I went to my first reiki treatment a year and a half ago. She brought up that I had a negative chatter inside of me. It took a week later for me to understand what that meant to me. I got a slap in the face that I had a horrible habit of taking a situation and then over analyzing and playing it over and over in my head. I was shocked. So, then I had to stop myself. My meditation practice was heightened. I worked on healing that old energy. It was the catalyst of being aware of my Self. I started to see my habits, mental chatter and where my old hurts came from. I was shedding this old self; peeling away the layers of old ways and thoughts.

Then, I took reiki myself. I have my level 2. I started doing reiki on others and what a glorious way to help heal yourself. I realized with a client yesterday that she has a parent losing the battle with cancer. I relate. I told the client stories of understanding. But, I really reminded the client that he is still alive and that finding gratitude and joy in those moments is all that matters. I could cry for myself for that advice that I needed a long time ago. I was caught in the months of the ending of her life and was put in grief but she was still alive. I should have been more aware that she was still there and her life still had purpose. I missed it. I was caught in my own self. Helping my client helped to heal me. I could find forgiveness for my mom and I. This is just one story, but there is so many of my own healing helping others.

Being brave. Taking risks. Searching for long term happiness helped me to find joy. And gratitude in life has given me so much more. I am blessed and so thankful for the changes that I have made. Mindfulness. Awareness of my spiritual self in this body and how that fits into the world has been a miracle. I am 42 now. I have been scared of time, but having changed has made the present moment just as exciting as the future. #blessings

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