I worked on writing down my goals and desires. I tried to write down the first steps in moving forward and then added some deadlines to get motivated. I faltered there. Ego took over a lot and convinced me that I am crazy for wanting more. I have a good life. I still worked through and wrote it down, but when I stared at them nothing made me feel excited. I flipped the page over and then just wrote down every idea that I have had recently and filled up the page. I felt more excitement. They appeared to be more of a bucket list, but maybe that is what is needed from me. I have so many hopes and dreams and I am not even trying to fulfill them a little bit.
I struggle internally with this idea that people don’t have it together, but they are still plunging ahead with their life by taking risks and travelling. I sit here thinking I have it together and I do fuck all. This ideology that I cling to needs to be put to rest. I need to take ACTION. Thinking too much is why I feel stuck here. If I think I have it together then share that with others. If I tell others to be brave with their life then I must do this for myself.
I’m scared. Scared of what others think. Scared to fail. Scared to succeed. Scared to lose control. Admitting I don’t know the answers. Of being vulnerable. Of feeling my shame. Of feeling pain. Of my limitations I have created. Of living an amazing life. Of death. Of regret. Being alone.
But, what scares me most is living an ordinary life.
I asked myself if I die tomorrow did I live this amazing life with no regrets and I could not say yes. I am grateful of many things in my life, but there is this nagging feeling that I could do so much more. And, it is time to move from ordinary to amazing.
So, next blog I have to tell you about a real step I have taken. I am ready, scared as hell, but ready.