I refuse to move from this spot until I make another choice. I want to choose as I always have…the choice of staying small. I sit here thinking a miracle will happen but the universe has conspired to stand back and let me choose. I know if I choose the same I’ll end up here in a year in the same exact spot just a different date on the calendar.
If I choose different then I must be vulnerable and face my fears. The fears of getting some attention, failing, falling on my face, rising to new heights and all the other possibilities.
Can I tell you somethings that you don’t know about me? I have an insane imagination. I get the best ideas but I let them die. I should write every one of them down and finish the story but I stop myself. I’ll do it later. I kill the dream like swinging the fly swatter on the bug. Splat. It’s done. I was quite the daydreamer when I was a kid. But, you know what I struggled with? I was told that daydreaming was a sin and with that I felt like every time my mind went like that I had to stop it even though I loved the stories in my head. Isn’t it crazy that something so innocent can then create such issues in your life. Being myself was wrong or so I believed.
Another reveal? I talk too much. I always get told that to some degree. Why did you say that? You’ll go on and on and no one wants to hear that. God gave me a voice, but society said that I should shut up. I did. Even recently I was told to watch what I say as to not piss off the people we were going to see. You know how I feel? Like an embarrassing friend. Me being me is offensive and loud.
I realize that I don’t know how to be anymore. I wrestle with all the doctrine from childhood and then all the things I’m told even now. Who I am is not good enough? But, who believed this? Them? Or me?
And that’s why things have to change. I need to make another choice to be ok with being me. I can’t let others dictate my future or well being. I have said it over and over and repeated myself in my blogs to the point that I had to reread them to inspire myself again to continue on this journey of finding myself. I need to know that desire and dreaming are the ways to make great things happen in my life. My thoughts and actions now will be my future.
I’m going to write my list of goals and with some dates to get them completed. This loud mouth needs to go complete some of these day dreaming goals. Wish me luck. I’ll be back and let you know.