I want to be clear. If I ever give off the impression that I got this whole “life” thing figured out. I do not. I’m sorry if it comes across that way. I would say about half my life I wore a heavy veil over my eyes. I had some natural ability to be a counselor to my friends and trusted my gut without explanation. But, I was heavily shrouded with my outside self and less focused on my true self.
Each moment a layer of veil was lifted created a new shift and awakening. I’ll give you some examples:
I read “A New Earth” by Ekhart Tolle. I bawled like a baby after realizing that the size of my ego was beyond HUGE! It shook me up. I think for months I was in awe of the lightbulb that turned into a strobe light. I finally had this amazing way to identify awareness and my ego. The universe opened a door.
Started having anxiety attacks after my third child. It began innocently enough when my daughter had issues with other girls in school. She would come home and tell me that she got left alone on the playground and the one girl told other girls not to play with her. She cried. I listened and took all her pain. She would feel better by getting it out and then I would go sit in the living room in a state of shock. I’m not sure how my mind would play it out, but I think that mostly the issue was that I couldn’t help her. I would not be the parent that called another parent and I refused to go to the school. But, it was her sad, rejected energy that sat with me. I couldn’t get rid of it. It took a lot of time to talk myself down off the ledge. I would have to talk to myself like a friend that said it was ok and that how she feels now does not define her entire life. Be supportive. Give her positive words. The anxiety attacks were not just about my daughter because they had started to show up with other people. I would over analyze any conversation that I had. Friends would share their pain and I would eat it up. They would say I always feel better after talking with you and I’d realize that I would not. I spent months putting a new voice in my head. This time the universe opened the door to the beginning of self-love.
My husband and I have always had our ups and downs. I don’t recall all the fights or issues. But, what stands out to me in our 20 year relationship is that I started out as the “good” wife who cooked, cleaned up after and made lunches for my man. I don’t even know who I was, which was the problem. I thought that if I made him happy I’d be happy. It didn’t work. I tried to please his parents, his extended family and I got lost in it. The problem was that I stepped into harsh criticism. I didn’t behave appropriately for their standards. I was held at distant third or fourth place in importance on my husband’s list for a long time. My happiness was not what my husband held dear to him as I had done for so many years for him. I felt stripped down and the slightest rejection would turn into open wounds. I had depression and felt increasingly isolated. I had few friends. I had few allies in his family. I felt judged most of the time. It didn’t seem to matter how many good things I did they would hold onto the one “bad” thing I did, or they would punish me if they didn’t like what my husband did. I got the wrath. It hurt and I felt my spirit break. Why had I chosen this? I feel so vulnerable to tell you this. It feels like I was this weak person who became the Stepford wife. I love my husband. But, I taught him how to treat me. I didn’t value myself and no one else did either. I started doing some radical things. I read a lot of books. I did a running challenge to do 1000 miles in a year. I started making plans with friends. I started creating lasting friendships. I went on a retreat. I started to come alive. In that time, I started loving myself and the people close to me started loving me like that as well. My husband and I have continued to go up from there. Our biggest issues are the ones that I don’t talk about to him. The biggest thing I have learned about men, which maybe should be its own blog post, are that they are literal creatures. They say what they mean and there should be no analysis of it. He comes from the thought that he works, builds and makes things for us and all he wants to know he is appreciated. We say thanks Dad or Hubby and you know what happens is that he shows more appreciation for us. I get compliments on my meals and when I take the time to do something that will help him out it makes him happy. He loves talking to me when he’s dealing with big problems. I have a kind ear, but a rational one too. He asks me my opinion because he trusts it. I trust my gut and tell him if I think its a good or bad idea. We talk more then we ever have before. He is more open to listen to me talk about my philosophies on life and my concerns with our kids. But, what the universe did for me is bring a man into my life that shows me what I don’t want to acknowledge about myself. If I had no awareness I would blame him for pushing my buttons, but I’ve realized that he is always prompting me to honest, open and to put myself out there. He’s the ice breaker to all my big ideas. I get a lot of eye rolls, but then always ask later on, when are you doing that? If I don’t take all his actions and words personally and just accept it as his personality or his own “stuff” and we can have the most amazing interactions. We banter back and forth like the best paid comediens. We are both witty. And I love when he laughs out loud at my jokes. He’s a traditional man, but he has adjusted to my journey, because he would rather be with me then without. So, he may seem annoyed with my plans, but he loves me. He wants me to be happy even if he doesn’t say it. As I want him to be as well.
As well, in all my book readings, teachers, experience and the universe placing something in my lap I have learned some valuable lessons:
- Gratitude. Saying thank you out loud or just within. I don’t make many goals, but one thing that has worked for me is that whatever happens and I found joy or happiness in it I say thank you and I want more. It’s as simple as being paid back money you forgot about, a wonderful encounter with a friend, an unexplained hug by my husband or children, kind words, gifts etc.
- Meditation. I actually sit and meditate in silence, but I find a long walk, run or just sitting in nature can have the same effect. I stare up at the trees or look at the stark clash of blue sky and snow and feel joy rise in my heart. A moment that made me cry was when I had a brief break at work and the weather had warmed up and the hoar frost was falling off the trees which inspired a cascade of sparkles off the trees. I was blown away by the beauty of the moment. Being present is what meditation is all about.
- Your thoughts create your future. Thinking positive. Trusting the universe that there is abundance for everyone and everything. So, if I ask for good things for myself I know it isn’t taking away from anyone. I have seen the universe shift and all of sudden there are people crossing your path or opportunities. It doesn’t happen overnight but the more and more your thoughts are positive the more positive things happen to you.
- Everything happens for a reason. The universe is always showing us the path, your angels are always guiding and you are receiving gut instincts on what you should do. When you don’t listen you get hit by pebbles, then bricks or the wall falls down. When you are in your stormiest state there was probably warning signs. Oprah always asked her guests did you have a feeling that something was going to go wrong and they all said they knew the accident was going to happen. They were warned but ignored the signs. Pay attention.
- Always go with your first gut reaction. If it was no, then why convince yourself to say yes. Or if it was yes, then why let ego convince you that all your fears are true.
- If you are scared to say no, use the excuse I need to look at my calendar or I have to talk it over with my family. Give yourself the time to decide and say no if it isn’t something you can do. Avoid resentment to others and yourself in doing things you hate. But, if it something more in the moment and saying yes/no to getting in the strangers vehicle then you have to think what was my first thought if it was no then don’t do it. Save yourself. Trust your gut.
I’m still a work in progress. I still feel fear. I still hesitate. I still let ego convince me to be small. But, I put myself out there more and more. I’ve seen the little things make huge changes in me such as hitting publish on this blog. Saying yes to taking on clients for energy healing and them having amazing results. Hosting paint nights. Being afraid to help people, but trusting that saying the truth, handing them a crystal to cope with stress, and telling them my experiences has been the bravest and most rewarding things I have done.
So, I dedicate this blog to the Magician and High Priestess. We have all had experiences that has made us who we are and I wouldn’t change a thing. Had the world been perfect then what would be the point. Your biggest challenges have the best rewards if you can face them and find your truth in it.